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Separate Vocations/Quotes

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Episode
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Quotes
Credits
Homer at the Bat
Separate Vocations
Dog of Death
Lisa: Dear Log: This will be my last entry. For you were a journal of my hopes and dreams, and now I have none.

Dr. Pryor: Here's your scientifically selected career.
Janey: Architect.
Kid: Insurance salesman
Ralph: Salmon gutter?
Milhouse: Military strongman!
Martin: (talking to himself while crossing his fingers) Systems analyst. Systems analyst.
Dr. Pryor: Systems analyst.
Martin: Alright!
Lisa: Homemaker?
Dr. Pryor: Mm-hm. It's like a mommy.
Bart: Police officer? Well, I'll be jiggered.
Dr. Pryor: I am going to be blunt with you, Bart. Before this test, I was thinking you would become a drifter.
Bart: A drifter? Even better!
Bart imagines himself as a full-grown man. He is scruffy, unkempt, and smoking a cigarette while trying to hitchhike in the rain.
Bart: {talking to himself}: That lousy sheriff thinks he can banish me from his town? Well, I ought to go back and teach him a lesson about the right to travel!

Lisa plays a saxophone solo for a jazz musician.
Jazz musician: I did not like it.
Lisa: Oh! How come?
Jazz musician: The playing was good, but unfortunately you have a disabling condition known as "stubbiness". Your fingers are too short. It mostly is found on the father's side.
Simpsons residence. Homer drops a can of beer.
Homer: (talking to himself) D'oh! Stupid stubby fingers!

Principal Skinner: Some sick individual has stolen every "Teacher's Edition!"
Teacher #1: What do we do?
Mrs. Krabappel: Declare a snow day!
Teacher #2: Does anyone know the multiplication table?
Teacher #3 is in class smoking a cigarette, appearing nervous to his class.
Teacher #3: Have I ever told any of you about the 1960s?

Lisa: Bart, why did you take the blame?
Bart: Because I didn't want you to wreck your life. You got the brains and the talent to go as far as you want. And when you do, I'll be right there to borrow money.

Lisa: Well, I'm going to be a famous jazz musician. I've got it all figured out. I'll be unappreciated in my own country, but my gutsy blues stylings will electrify the French. I'll avoid the horrors of drug abuse, but I do plan to have several torrid love affairs, and I may or may not die young. I haven't decided.

Marge: You know, your father wanted to be a policeman for a little while, but they said he was too heavy.
Homer: No, the Army said I was too heavy. The police said I was too dumb.

Teacher: This is a great day for me. I thought I could never teach again!
Skinner: Oh, things have changed. There will be no mockery of your name, Mr. Glascock.

Mrs. Krabappel: Some of you may discover a wonderful vocation you'd never even imagined. Others may find out life isn't fair, in spite of your Masters from Bryn Mawr, you might end up a glorified babysitter to a bunch of dead-eyed fourth graders while your husband runs naked on a beach with your marriage counselor!

Principal Skinner: (cleaning the Puma Pride statue) Sleek, vigilant puma-Principal of the Mountains.

Principal Skinner: Your punishment is 400 days detention.
Bart: I could easily do that on my head.
Skinner: 500 days!
Bart: Oh, ho ho.
Skinner: 600 days!
Bart: Maybe I should keep my big mouth shut.

Skinner: Bart Simpson on the side of law and order? Has the world gone topsy-turvy?
Bart: That's right, man. I got my first taste of authority... (rubs his hands) And I liked it!

Marge: Bart's grades are up a little this term, but Lisa's are way down.
Homer: We always have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't both our kids be good?
Marge: We have three kids, Homer.
Homer: Marge, the dog doesn't count as a kid!
Marge: No, Maggie.

Miss Hoover: Now put paste on your paper. Ralph, are you eating your paste?
Ralph: (a gluestick is poking out of his mouth) No, Miss Hoover.
Miss Hoover: Good. Now sprinkle the sparkles onto the paper. Lisa, you're not sprinkling your sparkles.
Lisa: Shove it!

Principal Skinner: (to Bart) The school is a police state. Students are afraid to sneeze. And I have you to thank.

Bart: Seymour, this is an absent slip signed by Nelson's mother. And this is Nelson's English homework. Notice the identical elongated loops on the d's.
Principal Skinner: Forgery! So he didn't have leprosy!

Lisa: Ok, but if you want to hock Skinner off, I suggest you do the one thing he truly believes in!
(The bad girls stop upon realizing that Lisa knows more of Skinner's weakness than they do)

Principal Skinner: (sadly looking at the vandalized Puma Pride statue) I saw some awful things in 'Nam, but you really have to wonder at the mentality that would desecrate a helpless puma. I never thought I'd say this, but the no-goodniks rule this school.
Groundskeeper Willie: (from outside) Get yer hands off me!
Principal Skinner: God, I could really use a half day...
(Skinner walks outside to find Eddie and Louie putting Groundskeeper Willie in handcuffs.)
Groundskeeper Willie: Think ye're big men with yer handcuffs and blasted tasers!
Bart: Get him out of here.
Groundskeeper Willie: I'll get ye, Bart Simpson, if it's the last thing I do!

Miss Hoover: Lisa, what nineteenth-century figure was named 'Old Hickory'?
Lisa: I don't know. You?
(The class laughs with Lisa)
Miss Hoover: Lisa, if you'd bothered to do the assignment, you'd know the answer is... (flips to the answers) The Battle of New Orleans. I mean, Andrew Jackson.
Lisa: Well, you're earning your $18 grand a year.

Mrs. Krabappel: Children, I know this is highly irregular, but for the rest of the uh, day, Martin will be teaching this class.
Martin: I will? But I wouldn't know where to begin.
Mrs. Krabappel: Just do it, brainiac!

Bart: Seymour, I'll bet you a steak dinner those books are still here. All we have to do is search every locker.
Skinner: Oh, Bart, I'm not sure random locker searches are permitted by the Supreme Court.
Bart: Pfffffft. Supreme Court. What have they done for us lately?
Skinner: Let's move.

(Lisa is sent to Skinner's office by Miss Hoover.)
Skinner: I have never seen a good student take such a tumble. Lisa, what are you rebelling against?
Lisa: Whaddya got.

Lisa: (serving detention with clapping erasers clean) Stupid Hoover, she wouldn't be so smart without her teacher's edition!
(Lisa gets an idea and steals Hoover's Teachers Edition as well as many others and hides them in her locker! She walks away snickering as the teachers' lack of education is exposed.


Season 2 Season 3 Quotes Season 4
Stark Raving DadMr. Lisa Goes to WashingtonWhen Flanders FailedBart the MurdererHomer DefinedLike Father, Like ClownTreehouse of Horror IILisa's PonySaturdays of ThunderFlaming Moe'sBurns Verkaufen der KraftwerkI Married MargeRadio BartLisa the GreekHomer AloneBart the LoverHomer at the BatSeparate VocationsDog of DeathColonel HomerBlack WidowerThe Otto ShowBart's Friend Falls in LoveBrother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?

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