- Troy McClure: Come to Duff Gardens, where roaming gangs aren't a big problem anymore!
- Homer: Now what do we say when we get to the ticket booth?
- Bart and Lisa: We're under six.
- Homer: And I'm a college student!
- Marge: Kids, I have some bad news. I'm afraid your great-aunt Gladys has... passed on.
- Bart: Gladys, Gladys... about yea high, blue hair, big dent in her forehead...
- Marge: No... Gladys looked more like your Aunt Patty.
- Bart: [thinks for a moment; then shudders] Oh yeah, there she is.
- Marge: The funeral is in Littleneck Falls. Looks like we'll have to go to Duff Gardens another time.
- Lisa: We understand.
- Bart: No use complaining about something you can't change.
- Homer: (whining) But I wanna go to Duff Gardens. Right now!
- Marge: Oh, Homer, quit pouting.
- Homer: I'm not pouting. I'm mourning. Stupid dead woman.
- Bart and Homer: On top of Spaghetti, all covered with cheese, I lost my poor meatball...
- Marge: If you don't mind, we're on our way to a funeral!
- Homer: Ding-dong the witch is dead..
- Bart: Which old witch?
- Homer: The wicked witch!
- Marge: Homer!
- Patty: I can't believe Auntie Gladys is really gone.
- Selma: Her legend will live forever.
- Homer's Brain: Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman.
- Homer: Legend of the dog-faced woman! Oh, that's good!
- Marge: Homer! That's very rude of you.
- Homer: Wha--? D'oh!
- Homer: Patty, Selma, I'm sorry. [hugs them]
- Selma: He's hugging us. What do we do?
- Patty: Just close your eyes and think of MacGyver.
- Selma: Can we please stop somewhere? My butt's asleep.
- (at Aunt Gladys' funeral, Lisa goes up to the casket)
- Lisa: Goodbye Great Aunt Gladys. I'm sorry I didn't get to know you better.
- Bart: (in a raspy voice from behind the casket) Don't worry about it.
- (Lisa runs away screaming; Bart laughs)
- Lionel Hutz: Hi, I'm Lionel Hutz, executor of Gladys Bouvier's estate. She left a video will, so I earn my fee simply by pressing this "Play" button. Pretty sweet, eh?
- Aunt Gladys: I would like to begin by reading a passage from Robert Frost. "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and...[Homer fast-forwards the tape]
- Marge: Homer!
- Homer: All in favor of skipping the poem? [everyone but Marge raises their hands] Thank you. [continues fast-forwarding]
- Aunt Gladys: Now let's get down to business. (Voice changes to Lionel Hutz) To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $50,000.
- Marge: MR. HUTZ!
- Lionel Hutz: You'd be surprised how often that works, you really would!
- Aunt Gladys: To Marge, I leave my potato chips that resemble celebrities. They're all here: Otto von Bismarck, Maurice Chevalier, right up to Jay Leno. These chips were my children. Marjorie, take special care of them.
- Homer: [eats the chips, and looks at them] Uh oh. [continues to eat them]
- Aunt Gladys: To my sister Jackie, I leave my pet Iguana, Jub-Jub.
- Mrs. Bouvier: Why didn't she just leave me the bowel obstruction that killed her?
- Selma: Aunt Gladys was right. There's something missing in our lives.
- Patty: Don't worry. We'll get that barking dog record tomorrow.
- [after a poor date with Hans Moleman]
- Selma: Get out of my car. [drives off]
- Hans Moleman: This isn't my house.
- Marge: Selma! You're back already?
- Selma: Yeah. I was so depressed, I ate a jar of expired olives. [sighs] I guess I'll never have a baby.
- Lisa: Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination?
- Homer: [laughs] I don't know. You gotta be pretty desperate to make it with a robot. [Marge whispers in his ear] I knew that.
- Marge: "101 Frozen Pops." [turns the page] A Nobel Prize Winner! An NBA All-Star! Ooh, one of the Sweathogs.
- Selma: I checked. It's not Horshack.
- Bart: [after seeing Homer extremely sick in bed] Oh, great, Dad's dead.
- Marge: [to Selma] I want to thank you for taking care of the kids on such short notice.
- Selma: We'll have fun, won't we kids?
- Bart: To get to Duff Gardens, I'd ride with Satan himself.
- Selma: That's the spirit.
- Lisa: [reading from the pamphlet] The Duff Beer-amid contains so much aluminum it would take five men to lift it. 22 immigrant laborers died during its construction.
- Selma: Eh, there's plenty more where that came from.
- Abe Lincoln Robot: Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers brewed refreshing drink from hops and barley. [drinks his Duff and starts beatboxing] We-e-ll, I'm Rappin' A.B. and I'm here to say, if you want to drink beer, well Duff's the only way! I said the only way! Break down! [crushes a beer can on his head]
- Lisa: This is a disgrace.
- Selma: Hey, anything this bad has to be educational.
- Bart: [reading] "Beer Goggles: See life through the eyes of a drunk." [puts them on; Selma becomes a foxy lady]
- Selma: You're charming the pants off of me.
- Bart: [removes his glasses] What did you say, Aunt Selma?
- Selma: I said, take off those damn glasses!
- Bart: Hey, Lise, I dare you to drink the water.
- Lisa: [looking at the horrible brown "water" the boat is floating on] I'm not sure that is water.
- Bart: Chicken. [begins to cluck like a chicken]
- Lisa: Quit it, Bart. Quit it! QUIT IT! QUIT IT!
- Selma: Bart, be quiet! Lisa, drink the water!
- [Lisa complies. She immediately begins to experience hallucinations.]
- Animatronics: Duff Beer for me/Duff Beer for you/I'll have a Duff... ["Duff" echoes]
- Lisa: They're all around me. No way out! [laughs] No way out, I tell you!
- Selma: [looking absolutely nightmarish to Lisa] What's wrong? You just put your head right here.
- [Unfortunately, her kindness backfires, as her shoulder appears to have grown a monstrous mouth to the hallucinating Lisa.]
- Lisa: [screams and tries to attack Bart and Selma with an oar]
- Marge: [to Homer] You know, I rented another movie, in case you felt better. [hands it to him]
- Homer: "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules".
- Marge: With Norman Fell as Zeus.
- Homer: Woo-hoo!
- Lisa: (having hallucinations and seeing everything blurry) Whoa, I can see the music!
- Selma: Don't blame these kids, it's not their fault. I think their father's missing a chromosome.
- Officer: [with Lisa, who is covered with a towel and acting jittery] We found this one swimming naked in the Fermentarium.
- Lisa: [raises her arms] I am the Lizard Queen!
- Employee: Give her this [gives two pills to Selma], and this [gives her two more pills] and then, these [gives her a bunch of pills]
- Selma: Thank you, doctor.
- Employee: Oh, I'm not a doctor.
- Homer: Come to Homercles!
- Marge: [laughs] I can't! The beans will burn!
- Homer: Homercles cares not for beans! [lifts up Marge on her shoulder]
- Homer: Hi, kids, how was Duff Gardens?
- Lisa: Can't talk, coming down. [takes some pills]
- Selma: Oh, Jub-Jub.
- Patty: When I went to pick him up, Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin.