|See Homer Run||
- (Mayor Quimby is hijacking a plane)
- Joe Quimby: (pointing with a gun to the pilot) Take this plane anywhere, girls are going wild! audio clip
- Aide: Mister Mayor, your twelve years as mayor have been corrupt and full of scandals.
- Quimby: Who the hell are you?
- Aide: Your Press Secretary.
- Quimby: I knew I should have hired my nephew.
- Aide: I am your nephew.
- Quimby: Dear God, every wacko, nutcase and Disco Stu in this town is gonna run against me.
- Kent Brockman: Over 200 candidates have filed, including yours truly, Kent Brockman. In other news, a common household fabric can kill you! Find out which one... when you vote for Kent Brockman.
- Kearney: Way to give into peer pressure!
- Dolph: Hey, Milhouse! Cool kids ride bikes with their eyes closed!
- Milhouse: (off camera) I'm cool! (he is heard biking, as well as the inevitable results involving a train)
- Dolph: I'm out of here. I got Hebrew school.
- (At the debate forum)
- Kent Brockman: Now, our first question is to Eleanor Abernathy, also known as the ‘Crazy Cat Lady’. If you were mayor, what would be your primary concern?
- Eleanor Abernathy: (unintelligible staggering) Small business incentives! (unintelligible staggering) Corporate accountability! (unintelligible staggering) Cats in everyone's pants!
- Homer: I will run for mayor!
- Lisa: And I will be your campaign manager!
- Homer: And I will find out what a mayor does! (Pulls out a bottle of beer) Expand my brain, learning juice. audio clip
- Kent Brockman: Mr. Simpson, what about those photos of you strangling your child? (Holds up a photo of Homer strangling Bart in front of a banner that says "Good luck at the press conference, Dad!")
- Homer: Why should this election be determined by a photo taken hours ago? audio clip
- Rainier Wolfcastle: Vote for me! A steroid-abusing, pot-smoking, women groping, son of a Nazi, washed-up, has-been movie star! (crowd cheers) Oh, also, I believe we should keep an open mind toward stem-cell research. (crowd boos)
- Miss Springfield: Just imagine... me! The mayor! Then no one will laugh at my singing! (High pitched and very terrible singing voice) I'm proud to be an American...
- Skinner: Lisa, I hold in my hand a sticker with a frowning face on it. Don't make me affix it to your file.
- Lisa: (mocking him) Don't make me affix it to your file!
- Skinner: (Lisa hits him with a dodge ball) I'm peeling off the back. (with a shoe) Don't make me do this! (with her saxophone) May God forgive me. (He puts the sticker on Lisa's file. The lights begin flickering overhead) Willie, we've got rats chewing through the wiring again.
- Groundskeeper Willie: Leave me alone! I'm makin' me Roman noodles!
- Bart: Check it out, I stole the sign!
- Dolph: Check it out, we stole The Scream!
- Kearney: Put that away! It creeps me out!
- (Cletus drives his car with Brandine)
- Brandine Spuckler: I said turn left on Bart Boulevard!
- Cletus Spuckler: I'm telling you, there t'ain't [sic] no "Bart Boulevard"!
- Brandine: Too late. Baby's already out. Get your huntin' knife and cut the umbrellical cord. (Holds up his baby, still attached to the umbilical cord)
- Homer: To open another present now would be like following the London Philharmonic with Jessica Simpson.
- (Moe is pasting his own face onto pictures of Marge and Homer's wedding)
- Moe: (to the tune of 'Here Comes The Bride') Here comes the Moe / with a pretty girl / 'cause these are things that happened in real life.
- Barney: Hey, Moe, can we get a beer?
- Moe: Ah, shut up and hand me more Moe heads.