- Mr. Burns: How much do you want?
- Homer: A million dollars and three Hawaiian islands. Good ones, not the leper one.
- Smithers: Look at all the wonderful things you have, Mr. Burns. King Arthur's Excalibur, the only existing nude photo of Mark Twain, and that rare first draft of the constitution with the word "suckers" in it.
- Mr. Burns: Yes yes yes, so what?
- Smithers: You want your bear, Bobo, don't you?
- Burns suddenly snaps and turns to Smithers
- Mr. Burns: Liar! I'll give you the thrashing of a life time! (flails fruitlessly at Smithers, exhausting himself) Resistance is futile! (continues flailing before collapsing in Smither's arms) Oh god, how I want my bear. But he's gone, I give anything to know what happened to him.
- Mr. Burns: Ah, these minstrels will soothe my jangled nerves.
- Joey Ramone: I'd just like to say this gig sucks!
- Johnny Ramone: Hey, up yours, Springfield!
- Joey Ramone: One, two, three, four!
- (the band starts sings a punk rock rendition of "Happy Birthday")
- Happy birthday to you
- Happy birthday to you
- Happy birthday, dear Burnsie
- Happy birthday to you!
- C.J. Ramone: Go to hell, you old bastard!
- (Burns looks shocked; the curtain closes)
- Marky Ramone: Hey, I think they liked us!
- Mr. Burns: Have the Rolling Stones killed.
- Smithers: But, sir, those aren't...
- Mr. Burns: Do as I say!
- Homer: Mmmm. Sixty-four slices of American cheese. Sixty-four. Sixty-three.
- (time lapse: the sun is rising, and Homer is about to finish the pile)
- Homer: Two... One.
- Marge: Have you been up all night eating cheese?
- Homer: I think I'm blind.
- Marge: What are you doing?
- Homer: I'm writing a delicious send-up of Mr. Burns for his birthday party. Is poo-poo one word or two?
- Marge: I don't think it's a good idea to humiliate your boss on his birthday.
- Lisa: Actually, Mom, a tweaking of Mr. Burns' foibles, if done with the greatest of care, could earn Dad a special place in the old man's heart.
- Homer: Well, I also do a delightful impression of him. [laughs] I paint a frowny face on my butt and pull down my pants!
- [Marge and Lisa groan]
- Homer: Now, I'm not saying Mr. Burns is incontinent...
- Bart: Incontinent! (laughs) Too rich!
- Lisa: Does either of you know what incontinent means?
- Homer: Lisa, don't spoil our fun.
- Marge: Come on, everybody, it's time to go.
- Homer: OK, stupid.
- Marge: Homer, you've got to stop insulting everyone, especially your boss!
- Homer: Marge, the comedy roast is an American tradition. It's what gives us the freedom to criticize our social betters. [Outside, Flanders is clipping the hedge] Hey, Flanders! You smell like manure.
- Flanders: Uh-oh. Better cancel that dinner party tonight. Thanks for the nose news, neighbor!
- Smithers: I have some sad news to report. A small puppy, not unlike Lassie, was just run over in the parking lot.
- (Audience gasps)
- Smithers: And now it's time for the comedy stylings of Homer Simpson!
- Homer: Are you ready to laugh?
- Man: That poor dog.
- Homer: Are you ready to laugh? I said, are you ready to laugh!?
- Lady: Quiet, you awful man.
- Homer: You know, Mr. Burns is so cheap.
- Mr. Burns: Whaaat?
- Homer: I mean...Mr. Burns is so old--
- Mr. Burns: How dare you!
- Homer: Woo hoo, tough crowd.
- Homer: Oh, where did I lose 'em? I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.
- Lisa: I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.
- Marge: Bart, run down to the store and get a big bag of ice for your father.
- Bart: Yes'm. Dad, I know you're discouraged, but please don't deny the world your fat can.
- Homer: Don't worry, boy, he'll be ready for your Aunt Selma's birthday.
- Lisa: I knew it.
- Marge: I'm sure he'll offer a fair reward. And then we'll make him double it.
- Family: Huh?
- Marge: Well, why can't I be greedy once in a while?
- Ice Delivery Man: You've got to start selling this for more than a dollar a bag. We lost four more men on this expedition!
- Apu: If you can think of a better way to get ice, I'd like to hear it.
- Mr. Burns: Smithers, I'm home!
- Smithers: Already?
- Mr. Burns: Yes.
- Nelson: My old man can't get a beer because his old man won't give a bear to another old man! Let's get him!
- Jimbo: Wait, why are we getting him?
- Martin: Look, fellows. The first snapdragon of the season.
- Nelson: Never mind. Let's get him!
- Smithers: Who's Bobo, sir?
- Mr. Burns: Bobo? Duh..uh, I meant Lobo... Sheriff Lobo, they should have never canceled that show.
- Bart: (pulls Bobo out of the bag of ice.) Hey, it's a teddy bear. Gross, it's probably diseased or something. Here, Maggie.
- Homer: Who needs his money? We're getting by okay.
- (Grampa crashes an Ute through the Simpsons' wall.)
- Grampa: Son, you gotta help me! I hit three people on the way over here, and I don't have any insurance! (pause) So, how's about you?
- Homer: My life can't get any worse.
- Smithers: Homer Simpson, report for "much worse" duty.
- Homer: D'oh!
- After being whipped by a man in black
- Homer: After lunch, can I whip you?
- Man in black: Nope.
- Homer: Ah, no fair.
- Mr. Burns: Smithers, I'm so happy. Something amazing has happened, I'm actually happy. Take a note! From now on, I'm only going to be good and kind to everyone.
- Smithers: I'm sorry sir, I don't have a pencil.
- Mr. Burns: Oh, don't worry, I'm sure I'll remember it.