- (Homer finishes painting "'74 Oakland A's - Best Team Ever" on his curb)
- Lisa: Dad, all you had to do was paint one number, now no one is going to be able to find our house!
- Homer: But sweetie, I just wanted to tell the '74 Oakland A's how I felt about them.
- (Sal Bando, Gene Tenace and several members of the '74 A's roll up in a convertible)
- Sal Bando: Look, that guy remembers us!
- Gene Tenace: Hey Sal Bando, give him a '74 A's thank you honk! (Sal Bando honks horn and drives off)
- Homer: My work here is done. (wipes off the message)
- Brenda: Hi. I'm Brenda Weingarten.
- Homer: Aaaah! (slams the door in her face and scampers off)
- Maid 1: You know what I found in their dirty clothes hamper? DIRTY CLOTHES!
- Maid 2: I found a hair in the drain! Not a fine, upstanding head hair, but a curly-wurly!
- Maids: UNTIDY! UNTIDY! UNTIDY!
- (shamrock wipe to reality)
- Marge: (hastily cleaning a door keyhole) Untidy! Untidy! Untidy!
- Dr. Hibbert: How many fingers am I holding up?
- Marge: Two.
- Hibbert: Very good, now I'll put them back into the jar.
- Marge: Now I just have one question. (pointing to Homer, Bart, and Lisa) Who are you people?
- (Homer, Bart, and Lisa gasp)
- Homer: She doesn't recognize us! (grabs Dr. Hibbert) You monster! What have you done to my face?!
- Marge: Oh you're such a kind... uncle?
- Homer: I'm your husband!
- Marge: Whaaa?
- Homer: I am! We're the same age!
- Marge: But you look so much more... ravaged... than I do.
- Homer: Ha ha! I do eat a lot of crap.
- Moe: For once, things are going my way. (his shotgun fires into the ground and a black substance spews out) I've struck oil! (begins dancing around)
- DWP Guy 1: When do we tell him that's not oil?
- DWP Guy 2: Let him have his moment.
- Lisa: (in a tree with Bart) Oh no! This is horrible!
- Bart: We've gotta tell Dad!
- Homer: (in the same tree) Oh no! Bart and Lisa are gonna tell me something horrible!
- Wiggum: (in the same tree in a crashed hang glider) 'Buy the police a hang glider', you said! 'It will help us', you said!
- Lou: You said you weigh only 180 pounds!
- Wiggum: Shut up and look for crime.
- Marge: Don't answer the door! I don't want that judgmental bitch in my house!
- Ned: Now, how would you boys like to clean my garage for $100?
- Bart: What? Honest work for honest pay? (they scream and run off)
- Homer: You idiot! (the man screams) Do you know what you just gave up?
- Man: Who the hell are you?
- Homer: The wisest, wettest man you'll ever meet.
- Man: Go on.
- Homer: You just walked away from the sweetest most beautiful woman a guy could want. In ten years, she never had the last slice of pizza and she's never complained. Every election she wishes she could vote for both guys because they both seem nice. And there's a light inside her that makes everyone else look better. And you blew her off.
- Man: Dude, she's got three kids.
- Homer: I...really? Well, she's still great.
- Homer: What do you say we stop for a drink on the way home?
- Marge: You drink?
- Homer: Uh, yeah, I started while you were in the hospital. You see, I recently tried this thing called beer...
- Marge: (gasps) I remember everything now. You get drunk all the time!
- Homer: Oh...but do you also remember that you're an enabler?
- Marge: Of course! That's why we're such a great team (she kisses Homer on the cheek).
- (Homer begins swerving uncontrollably)
- Marge: Homer, have you been drinking today?
- Homer: I sure have, partner!
- Luigi: (singing while playing an accordion during Marge and Homer's date)
- Homer Simpson is a great guy.
- He paid me ten bucks so I would lie.
- Truth is, he's not so great.
- He's the one man I truly hate.
- Homer: (crying in happiness) I wish I knew Italian.