Grampa: What're you cackling at, fatty? Too much pie, that's your problem!
Bart: [after Grampa spits] Grampa! I don't mind when you spit at home, but I have to work with these people.
Grandpa: Oh, jabberjack. Schoolhouse don't put up spittoons, I ain't responsible. [spits again]
Mrs. Krabappel: All right, seniors, we'd all love to share in your wisdom, experience, yadda yadda yadda.
Grandpa Van Houten: Uh, how many of you have a house? [children raise their hands] All right, now how many of you drove your house to school today? [children raise their hands again, then wake up] Well, I did. [chuckles] No, I'm not Superman; I just own an RV. Me and the new wife travel the country searching for adventure. Last fall, we won a chili cook-off in Beaumont, Texas.
Grandpa Muntz: No, I'm not Superman; I'm a judge. Why, just this morning I sentenced my 46th man to death. Oh... no, 47th.
Bart: Maybe it's time we put him in one where he can't get out.
Mr. Burns: There, Simpson, seven gone. As soon as you're in your press board coffin, I'll be the sole survivor and the treasure will be mine.
Grampa: Over my dead body, it will!
Mr. Burns: That's precisely the point! Oh, Simpson, can't you go five seconds without humiliating yourself?
(Grampa's pants fall down with a "boing" sound.)
Grampa: How long was that?
Nurse: Abraham Simpson, your family is here to visit you.
Abe: Hot diggity, my family's come to visit me! [runs down the hall] Wait a minute... My family never comes to vi... Whoa! [a knife flies at his head]
Vidal: [disguised as Homer] D'oh! Not again!
Burns: [disguised as Marge] I can't take much more of your blundering numskullery.
Smithers: [disguised as Bart] I'll be in the car, dudes.
Jasper:[after gunshots are aimed towards Abe] Was that me or was that you?
Grampa: Nurse! Someone's trying to kill me!
Nurse: Okay, we'll do something about that right away. Let's start by doubling your medication!
[Vidal comes in, shoots everywhere]
Nurse: [loads shotgun, and shoots] Our residents [shoots] are trying [shoots] to nap! [shoots]
Abe: [pounding on the door] Let me in! Someone's trying to kill me! Sweet merciful McGillicuddy, you gotta open the door!
Homer: Who is it?
Marge: It's Grampa. And it sounds like he's gotten into the horseradish again.
Abe: And then, a knife flew at my head. And [points to Homer] you were there, and [points to Homer] you were there...
Lisa: Uh, Grampa, maybe I should moisten your washcloth.
Abe: It's plenty moist!
Marge: Where are we going to put him?
Homer: Bart's room.
Lisa: Bart's room.
Marge: Bart's room.
Bart: Mm-hmm. You bossed around the richest, most powerful guy in town. How come you were a sergeant and he was only a private?
Abe: Well... he got busted down for obstructing a probe from J. Edgar Hoover. We got stuck with him.
Abe: [yells] Don't kill me!
Burns: I've tried to meet you halfway on this, Simpson, but you had to be little Johnny Live-a-lot. Now, give me your key to the Hellfish bonanza.
Bart: Oh, wow! There really is a treasure! Whatever you do, don't give him the key, Grampa.
Abe: Here's the key.
Bart: Aw... figures.
(Mr. Burns plows through Lisa's room in a cherry picker.)
Burns: Terribly sorry. Back to sleep, little girl.
Abe: Ah, I guess Burns is finally gonna be rich.
Bart: Not without the keys, he isn't! [shows Abe the two keys]
Abe: Hey, you got the keys!
Bart: Now we can get the treasure!
Abe: Oh, what's the use. Burns would still find some way to take it from me.
Bart: I can't believe you, Grampa. The sergeant in that story you told would never be scared of a dork like Burns. You gotta get that treasure, you gotta do it for Ox, and Asa, and Griff, and Burnsie... Well, not so much Burnsie.
Bart: Hey, Grampa, do you think that dead bodies get up and walk around at night?
Abe: If they're anything like me, they have to get up twice.
Ned: [to Abe on the boat] Well, howdy-doodily, stranger! Couldn't help but notice you're stealing my boat.
Abe: I'll bring it back.
Ned: You ever operated a powerboat?
Ned: Know anything about water safety?
Ned: What do you need it for?
Abe: It's a secret.
Ned: Hoo-hoo, sounds spine-tingling-dingling! Just promise you'll have a good time. [hands him the keys] Maude, boys, come on up! We're gonna have a little camp out in the dingy!
Maude, Rod and Todd: Yay!
Bart: Hey, Grampa, do you thing I could've been a Flying Hellfish?
Abe: You're a gutsy daredevil with a give-em-hell attitude and a 4th grade education. You could've made sergeant.
Bart: You coward! You're an embarrassment to the name Hellfish.
Burns: Oh, am I? [aims his gun at Bart]
Abe: No! Look, take the art if you want, just don't hurt the boy.
Burns: Hmm... I'd rather do both. [kicks Bart in the crate, which tilts over and falls in the sea]
Bart: I'm sorry I cost you your fortune, Grampa.
Abe: Oh, the fortune doesn't matter, boy; the important thing is you're safe. Now let's get that fortune!
Smithers: They're gaining on us, sir. We'll have to jettison something. [Burns stares at him] It's been an honor to serve you, sir. [jumps off]
Burns: Don't kill me...
Abe: I ain't gonna kill ya, that'd be cowardly; Monty Burns cowardly. I just want to watch you squirm.
Burns: Yes sir. [squirms] Is this to your liking?
Agent: Baron von Herzenberger, on behalf of the American people, I apologize for...
Baron: Ja ja ja, mach schnell mit der art things, huh? I must get back to Dancecentrum in Stuttgart in time to see Kraftwerk. [the agent is storing the paintings in the trunk]
Hey, und dummkopf! Watch out for the CD-changer in my trunk, eh? Idiot.
Abe: Oh... I'd hug ya, but I know you'd just get embarrassed.
Bart: I won't get embarrassed; I don't care who knows I love my Grampa. [both hug]