Executive: I don't see why Rainier Wolfcastle should be the star. I think we should bring back Dirk Richter. Kids will want to see the original Radioactive Man.
Producer: I keep telling you, he is 73 years old and he's dead.
Executive: Granted, but...
Director: Besides we want to stay as far away from the campy 70s version as possible.
(Director imagines TV show)
Fallout Boy: Billowing backpacks Radioactive Man, it's the worst villian of them all, the Scoutmaster!
Radioactive Man: I see him, Fallout Boy.
Scoutmaster: Go get 'em, scouts. Don't be afraid to use your nails, boys!
(Fight sequence begins where Radioactive Man and Fallout Boy attack the Scoutmaster's underlings to still-shot fighting, where expressions such as POO! ZUFF!, SNUH!, BORT! flash on screen. Suddenly several pretty girls in hotpants appear in middle of fight and start dancing to pop music. Defeated hoods get back up and start dancing with Radioactive Man, Fallout Boy, and the girls. Scene then returns to present)
[Milhouse runs to the Van Houten residence and shuts the door to get away from the mob of screaming girls chasing him]
Milhouse: Mom! Dad! Make 'em stop! What is all this stuff?
[Kirk van Houten is unpacking a large flat screen TV]
Kirk: We've heard you've become a star. We've decided we better start living in the fast lane.
Milhouse: What if I'm not a success? How will you pay for all this?
[Luanne is wearing a bikini and in a device that looks like a gigantic, transparent snowsuit]
Luanne: I'm sorry, I can't hear you, son! I'm wearing a jacuzzi suit.
Director: We have got to do the "jiminy jilickers" scene again, Milhouse.
Milhouse: But we already did it. It took us seven hours, but we did it. It's done.
Director: Yes...But we have got to do it from different angles. Again and again and again and again and again.
Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. Rainier Wolfcastle as Radioactive Man is tied up. Director is readying the scene
Director: OK, listen up, everybody: this is the hardest, most expensive scene in the movie, and we only get one shot at it, so we have to do it right. Fallout Boy will untie Radioactive Man and pull him to safety moments before he's hit with a forty-foot wall of sulfuric acid that will horribly burn everything in its path. Now, that's real acid, so I want to see goggles, people! [Director and crew don goggles]
Rainier Wolfcastle: [nervously] Real acid?
Director: OK, roll film...tip the acid vats...and -- action!
Rainier Wolfcastle dons goggles, then immediately afterward gets swept up in wave of acid
Rainier Wolfcastle: My eyes! The goggles do nothing!
[Rainier Wolfcastle is swept out of SNPP and the acid breaks through a wall in a trailer as well as melting the Radioactive Man costume. Rainier Wolfcastle is trapped in the broken wall with his naked rear end visible to everyone outside]
Bart: George Burns was right… show business is a hideous bitch-goddess.
Lisa: Cheer up, Bart. Milhouse is still going to need a true friend, someone to tell him he is great. Someone to rub lotion on him. Someone he can hurl whiskey bottles at when he's feeling low.
Bart: You're right, Lis. I can suck up to him, like the religious suck up to God.
Helicopter Pilot: Hurry, Mr. Rooney! We've got a disenchanted little girl in a Jell-O Pudding commercial!
Assistant: Yeah, well, we only have $1,000 left anyway.
Mayor Quimby: Uh, there's a $1,000 leaving town tax.
Comic Book Guy: Well, I suppose you know, then, that Hollywood is planning a feature film about Radioactive Man. (Bart and Milhouse gasp and their hats shoot up off their heads)… I have got to do something about that air conditioner suction.
Lunchlady Doris: At last the world is safe, eh, Fallout Boy?
Ralph: What's for lunch tomorrow?
Ralph: Chicken necks?
Chief Wiggum: Okay, we can all stop worrying now. These dogs never fail.
Kirk: But will they just find Milhouse, or will they find him and kill him?
Chief Wiggum: Well, they'll... when they find him, they'll, um... (mumbles)
Kirk: Uh, excuse me. You didn't answer me. You just trailed off.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah...yeah, I did kind of trail off, there, didn't I? Heh.
Nelson: (pointing at himself in the mirror) Haw-Haw!... Hey that hurt, no wonder no one came to my birthday party.
Homer: I've always wanted to be a teamster; so lazy and surly.
Principal Skinner: (on P.A. system) Students, I have an announcement. One of your favorite comic book heroes, Radio Man...
Nelson: Radioactive Man, stupid!
Principal Skinner: (on P.A. system) Strange, I shouldn't have been able to hear that.
Bart: Ohh, all these new superheroes suck! None of them can hold a candle to "Radioactive Man."
Milhouse: The only decent new one is "Radiation Dude".
Bart: Nah, he's just a cheap imitation of Radioactive Man.
Bart: The similarities are subtle, but many. For example, Radioactive Man has his famous catch phrase, "Up and at 'em!" with "at 'em" spelled A-T-O-M in a delicious pun.
Milhouse: Go on...
Bart: While Radiation Dude has a similar but lamer catch phrase, "Up and let's go!"
Assistant: All right, we have $30 million to spend.
Mayor Quimby: We'll blow up our dams, destroy forests, anything! If there's a species of animal that's causing problems nosing around your camera, we'll have it wiped out!
Director: Look! We just want to make movies, not kill things.
Chief Wiggum: [winks] Riight, we understand, heh.
Bart: Look behind you, Radioactive Man! The sun is exploding again! [jumps down and does a somersault]
Marge: Bart, why are you talking like that?
Homer: Yeah, and who the hell are you talking to? Marge, do you have other men in this house? Radioactive men?
Bart: I'm practicing my Fallout Boy dialog. If I get this role, I can finally come to terms with this funny little muddle called Bart.
[When Moe shows a poster of him with "The Little Rascals"]
Barney: Whoa! You mean, you were one of the original Little Rascals?
Homer: Which one were you? The ugly one? [Moe glares at him] Were you the ugly one?
Moe: No, I was the tough kid, Smelly. My shtick was looking into an exhaust pipe and getting a faceful of soot. Nobody could do that better than me. Of course, it was kind of hard to think of reasons for me to look in that exhaust pipe every time, but, you know... we had good writers. William Faulkner can write an exhaust pipe gag that would really make you think.
Barney: If you were such a big shot, why aren't you still making movies? Moe? Moe!
[Moe looks back to an episode where the Little Rascals are playing marbles; he flicks one away and it bounces into an exhaust pipe]
Moe: Oh, no! My favorite aggie!
[Before he can go after it, Alfalfa runs off.]
[Alfalfa looks in the exhaust pipe. The car starts and blows soot in his face.]
Moe: [smashing Alfalfa's head into the ground] You stole my bit! That's my bit... ooh! Ooh! You stole my bit!
Director: Cut! Oh my God! He's killed the original Alfalfa!
Moe: [back to the present] Yeah. Luckily, Alfalfa was an orphan owned by the studio.
Homer and denizens: Oh! I see. That makes sense.
Bart: Oh, I only grew half an inch. I'm still too short.
Marge: Growing half an inch in one day is still pretty good, Bart.
Lisa: Yeah, that's how fast Grampa's shrinking.
Grampa: [walking by, his head below table level] Oh, I'm as tall as I...
Bart: Hey, Milhouse. I want you to know that I'm glad at least one of us got the part. [Milhouse explodes] Milhouse! [a leg lands in front of him] I didn't do it...I didn't do it! I wished him well. [his head lands in Bart's arms] Aah!
Man: Stupid dummy wasn't supposed to explode yet!
[After Bart finds Milhouse in the treehouse]
Milhouse: Stay away from me, Bart. I mean it, I'm not going back. I'm not cut out to be a star.
Bart: But, Milhouse, being a star is every patriotic American's dream.
Milhouse: Not mine. It's a sham, Bart! You get up on that movie screen pretending to be a hero, but you're not. The real heroes are out there, toiling day and night on more important things!
Milhouse: No! Curing heart disease and wiping out world hunger.
Bart: But, Milhouse, they haven't cured anything! Heart disease and world hunger are still rampant. Those do-gooders are all a bunch a pitiful losers...every last one of them. Want results? You have to go to the Schwarzeneggers, the Stallones, and to a lesser extent, the Van Dammes.
[When Mickey Rooney arrives to the treehouse by a helicopter]
Bart and Milhouse: [gasp] Mickey Rooney!
Mickey Rooney: Hi, Milhouse. The studio sent me to talk to you, being a former child star myself, and the number one box office draw from 1939 to 1940.
Bart: Wow, spanning two decades.
Mickey Rooney: Milhouse, listen: you can't quit this movie. I've seen your work; it's good. Very, very good. Van Johnson good.
Milhouse: I know I'm good. Movie stardom is just so hollow.
Mickey Rooney: Hollow?! The only thing in show business that's hollow is the music industry. Come on, Milhouse, you have to do this, if not for yourself, then for the moviegoing public and for the foreign markets that are more important than ever nowadays and...finally, for me: the Mickster.
Mickey Rooney: All right, I tried.
Mickey Rooney: Well, I hope you're all satisfied. You bankrupted a bunch of naive movie folks: folks from a Hollywood where values are... different. They weren't thinking about the money. They just wanted to tell a story: a story about a radioactive man, and you slick small-towners took 'em for all they were worth.
[Everybody looks upset]
Otto: [sniffles] Do we give them some of their money back?
Mayor Quimby: [weeps] No.
Assistant: Thank God we're back in Hollywood where people treat each other right.