- Homer: Moe! The new Duff calendars are out! The ones with your picture.
- Moe: Oh, boy! Move over, liquor license. (takes a framed license down from the wall)
- Lenny: (reading license) Hey Moe, this license expired in 1973, and it's only good in Rhode Island … and it's signed by you.
- Moe: Yeah, yeah, I've been meaning to get that updated, uh, for this state and, real.
- Lisa: (visitng the Alco-Hall of Fame) Whoa, there's Ulysses S. Grant, Babe Ruth... (gasps) Ben Franklin...
- Ben Franklin robot: Early to bed, (hiccups) early to rise....
- Babe Ruth robot: (in a slurred voice): You think... you think you're better than me? Huh?
- Announcer: All right, Springfield, belly up for the Duff Beer-tender of the Year contest. (the audience cheers)
- Announcer: Now, fresh from his appearance before the House Sub-Committee on teenage alcoholism, Duff Man!
- Duffman: All right! Today, we're going to find out which of these bartenders has the right stuff to dispense Duff.
- Duffman: From the Green Potato Pub at O'Hare International Airport, Michael Finn! (the crowd cheers as Michael Finn comes on stage, flexing his arms)
- Duffman: From Juggernauts in Hollywood, California; Titania! (the crowd cheers wildly)
- Duffman: And now, the local lug who fills your mug with the drug you chug -- Oh yeah! -- Give it up for Moe Szyslak!
- Moe: Hello Springfield, how you--
- Titania: (accidentally spills beer on her breasts) Ooh! (the crowd applauses as she tries to shake her breasts dry)
- Duffman: And the winner… Moe Szyslak!
- Moe: Aw, that's great, thank you, thanks a lot. Uh, I just want to say that it was an honor for me to compete against the Mick and the, uh, the chick with the rack there.
- Duffman: Duff beer is brewed from hops, barley, and sparkling clear mountain … what?
- Titania: (rings bell) Goat.
- Duffman: Close Enough!
- Duffman: Now, our final round, which counts for 98% of the total score, making the previous rounds a complete waste.
- Duffman: Don't forget, today's winner will be immortalized on our new Duff Calendar!
- Duffman: All right, bartenders, toss your drunks!
- Michael Finn: (tosses Larry) And stay out!
- (Titania's drunk starts ogling her)
- Titania: Ew! You said if I slept with you, I wouldn't have to touch the drunk!
- Duffman: Duffman says a lot of things! Oh yeah!
- (Titania walks off the stage)
- Duffman: Are you ready for some Duff love?!
- Homer: Good work, everyone. We're sure to be first in line for "Duff Days."
- Marge: You set off the smoke alarm to rush us to a beer festival?
- Homer: (chuckles) I know. I'm a character. Now a little beer music to get in the mood.
- Moe: Homer, did you hear that? She called me handsome! Me! It's like I've gone to heaven. Wait a minute… I died on the operating table didn't I?
- Homer: Heh heh, yeah. But just for a minute. It's a funny story, I'll tell you some time.
- Nurse: Oh boy, what a mug!
- Surgeon: Yea, you should see his genitals, would you like to see his genitals?
- Moe: I'm awake here.
- Surgeon: Hey this isn't anesthetic. It's new car smell.
- Moe: It's hopeless, ain't it?
- Surgeon: No, no, no, I love a challenge. First, we must install buttocks.
- Moe: Nah, nah, nah - no luxury items. Just the face.
- Surgeon: (drawing on Moe's face with a marker) Okay, I'm going to move this up, this wider. Gonna lose that. I've never even seen one of these!
- Marge: Kids, would you like a balloon?
- Bart: (sarcastic) Yeah, right, Mom. Then I'd like a rattle and a wowwypop. Actually, I would like a wowwypop.
- Lisa: Those balloons won't biodegrade for ten thousand years. And if Bart gets a wowwypop, I want a wowwypop.
- Gay man: Alright then, we need a symbol for our campaign. Something that says we're gay and Republican.
- (A pink balloon in the shape of an elephant flies through the window.)
- Gay man: A little bit on the nose, don't you think?
- Homer: (to Lenny & Carl) OK, ready, guys? One...two...three...
- (All three lift up their shirts; Homer has "M" on his chest, Carl has "O" on his and Lenny has "O" too)
- Homer: "MOO"!? Lenny, you were suppose to be "E"!
- Carl: See what happens when you skip rehearsal?
- Moe: Am I really that ugly?
- Carl: Well, it's all relative, Moe. Is Lenny really that dumb? Is Barney that drunk? Is Homer that lazy, bald and stupid?
- Moe: Oh, my God, it's worse than I thought!
- (Everyone begins to cry but Carl is concerned)
- Carl: (to the camera) See, this is why I don't talk much.
- (At the end of the episode)
- Moe: But what I don't get is why after the wall fell on me, why did it go back to my old face and not turn into a new, third face? Don't make no... (the end credits begin to roll.)
- Moe: I've been called ugly, pug-ugly, fugly, pug-fugly, but never ugly-ugly.
- Actor: [to the producer] But I've been playing Dr. Tad Winslow for 25 years! It's time I got a raise.
- Producer: Oh, shut up, you windy old hack.
- Actor: And another thing, you have to stop calling me that.
- Moe: [pushes the actor aside] Remember me? 25 years ago, you said I was too ugly to play Dr. Tad Winslow.
- Producer: I did? Well, that's why pencils have erasers, hon. You're our new Dr. Tad Winslow.
- Moe: Really? You mean it?
- Actor: But there can't be two Dr. Tad Winslows, that's going to ... [realizes] Oh. [he takes off his eye patch, hands it to Moe, and walks off the set]
- Lisa: I don't know if I'll be able to accept Moe as Dr. Tad Winslow.
- Marge: Well, I'm going to keep watching as long as they have shocking story twists and endless pillow talk.
- Carl: So, Lenny, how are things working out between you and that girl next door?
- Lenny: Eh, it's over. She got a windowshade.
- Homer: (reading the "It's Never End" storylines) Gabriella's baby shower will be invaded by terrorists, with sexy results.
- Moe: Ooh, that's unexpected. What else?
- Homer: Well, Sister Bernadette will leave the convent and start a softball team, with sexy results.
- [Scene cuts to the Simpson home, where Marge and the kids watch the show]
- Bart: What's Dad doing on the show?
- Marge: Who cares? He's dishing out the dirt. [writes down "Sexy Results" on her notepad]
- Producer: (to Moe and Homer) What the hell are you two doing?
- Moe: Sticking it to you for killing off my character. [he and Homer high-five each other]
- Producer: You idiot. Dr. Winslow was only going to die in a dream.
- Moe: Whaa?
- Producer: [holds up the script to a pink page] Pink pages always mean a dream.
- Moe: I thought dreams was on goldenrod.
- Producer: No, goldenrod is for coma fantasies.
- Homer: (Drinks his Duff Beer) You can really taste the goat.