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Missionary: Impossible
Pygmoelian
Bart to the Future
Homer: Moe! The new Duff calendars are out! The ones with your picture.
Moe: Oh, boy! Move over, liquor license. (takes a framed license down from the wall)
Lenny: (reading license) Hey Moe, this license expired in 1973, and it's only good in Rhode Island … and it's signed by you.
Moe: Yeah, yeah, I've been meaning to get that updated, uh, for this state and, real.

Duffman: And the winner… Moe Szyslak!
Moe: Aw, that's great, thank you, thanks a lot. Uh, I just want to say that it was an honor for me to compete against the Mick and the, uh, the chick with the rack there.

Duffman: Duff beer is brewed from hops, barley, and sparkling clear mountain … what?
Titania: (rings bell) Goat.
Duffman: Close Enough!

Duff Man: Are you ready for some Duff love?!

Homer: Good work, everyone. We're sure to be first in line for "Duff Days."
Marge: You set off the smoke alarm to rush us to a beer festival?
Homer: (chuckles) I know. I'm a character. Now a little beer music to get in the mood.

Moe: Homer, did you hear that? She called me handsome! Me! It's like I've gone to heaven. Wait a minute… I died on the operating table didn't I?
Homer: Heh heh, yeah. But just for a minute. It's a funny story, I'll tell you some time.

Nurse: Oh boy, what a mug!
Surgeon: Yea, you should see his genitals, would you like to see his genitals?
Moe: I'm awake here.
Surgeon: Hey this isn't anesthetic. It's new car smell.

Moe: It's hopeless, ain't it?
Surgeon: No, no, no, I love a challenge. First, we must install buttocks.
Moe: Nah, nah, nah - no luxury items. Just the face.
Surgeon: (drawing on Moe's face with a marker) Okay, I'm going to move this up, this wider. Gonna lose that. I've never even seen one of these!

Marge: Kids, would you like a balloon?
Bart: (sarcastic) Yeah, right, Mom. Then I'd like a rattle and a wowwypop. Actually, I would like a wowwypop.
Lisa: Those balloons won't biodegrade for ten thousand years. And if Bart gets a wowwypop, I want a wowwypop.

Gay man: Alright then, we need a symbol for our campaign. Something that says we're gay and republican.
(A pink balloon in the shape of an elephant flies through the window.)
Gay man: A little bit on the nose, don't you think?

Homer: (to Lenny & Carl) OK, ready, guys? One...two...three...
(All three lift up their shirts; Homer has "M" on his chest, Carl has "O" on his and Lenny has "O" too)
Homer: "MOO"!? Lenny, you were suppose to be "E"!
Carl: See what happens when you skip rehearsal?

Moe: Am I really that ugly?
Carl: Well, it's all relative, Moe. Is Lenny really that dumb? Is Barney really that drunk? Is Homer really that fat, bald and stupid?
(Everyone but Carl begins to cry)
Carl: (to the camera) See, this is why I don't talk much.

(At the end of the episode)
Moe: But what I don't get is why after the wall fell on me, why did it go back to my old face and not turn into a new, third face? Don't make no... (the end credits begin to roll.)

Moe: I've been called ugly, pug-ugly, fugly, pug-fugly, but never ugly-ugly.

Actor: [to the producer] But I've been playing Dr. Tad Winslow for 25 years! It's time I got a raise.
Producer: Oh, shut up, you windy old hack.
Actor: And another thing, you have to stop calling me that.
Moe: [pushes the actor aside] Remember me? 25 years ago, you said I was too ugly to play Dr. Tad Winslow.
Producer: I did? Well, that's why pencils have erasers, hon. You're our new Dr. Tad Winslow.
Moe: Really? You mean it?
Actor: But there can't be two Dr. Tad Winslows, that's going to ... [realizes] Oh. [he takes off his eye patch, hands it to Moe, and walks off the set]

Lisa: I don't know if I'll be able to accept Moe as Dr. Tad Winslow.
Marge: Well, I'm going to keep watching as long as they have shocking story twists and endless pillow talk.

Carl: So, Lenny, how are things working out between you and that girl next door?
Lenny: Eh, it's over. She got a windowshade.

Homer: (reading the "It's Never End" storylines) Gabriella's baby shower will be invaded by terrorists, with sexy results.
Moe: Ooh, that's unexpected. What else?
Homer: Well, Sister Bernadette will leave the convent and start a softball team, with sexy results.
[Scene cuts to the Simpson home, where Marge and the kids watch the show]
Bart: What's Dad doing on the show?
Marge: Who cares? He's dishing out the dirt. [writes down "Sexy Results" on her notepad]

Producer: (to Moe and Homer) What the hell are you two doing?
Moe: Sticking it to you for killing off my character. [he and Homer high-five each other]
Producer: You idiot. Dr. Winslow was only going to die in a dream.
Moe: Whaa?
Producer: [holds up the script to a pink page] Pink pages always mean a dream.
Moe: I thought dreams was on goldenrod.
Producer: No, goldenrod is for coma fantasies.

Homer: (Drinks his Duff Beer) You can really taste the goat.


Season 10 Season 11 Quotes Season 12
Beyond BlunderdomeBrother's Little HelperGuess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner?Treehouse of Horror XE-I-E-I-D'ohHello Gutter, Hello FadderEight Misbehavin'Take My Wife, SleazeGrift of the MagiLittle Big MomFaith OffThe Mansion FamilySaddlesore GalacticaAlone Again, Natura-DiddilyMissionary: ImpossiblePygmoelianBart to the FutureDays of Wine and D'oh'sesKill the Alligator and RunLast Tap Dance in SpringfieldIt's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad MargeBehind the Laughter

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