- Homer: Marge, honey, I've got five words to say to you: (counts on his fingers) Greasy Joe's Bottomless Bar-B-Q Pit!
- Marge: Oh, Homer, remember you promised you'd try to limit pork to 6 servings a week?
- Homer: Marge, I'm only human!
- Lisa: Aunt Selma?
- Selma: [grunts]
- Lisa: Do you think you'll ever get married?
- Selma: [sadly] Oh, I don't know. [perks up] Why? You know somebody?
- Lisa: No.
- Selma: [grunts]
- Lisa: Since I'm sure you'd only resent the pity of an 8-year-old niece, I'll simply hope that you're one of the statistically insignificant number of 40-year-old single women who ever find their fair prince.
- Homer: Which one's Selma again?
- Marge: She's the one who likes Police Academy movies and Hummel figurines, and walking through the park on clear autumn days.
- Homer: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. But I thought she was the one that didn't like to be... you know... touched.
- Marge: It's Patty who chose a life of celibacy. Selma simply had celibacy thrust upon her.
- Principal Skinner: Bart, I'm flabbergasted. Surely you knew as you were writing your own name in 40-foot-high letters on the field that you would be caught.
- Bart: Maybe it was one of the other Barts, sir.
- Principal Skinner: (yells) THERE ARE NO OTHER BARTS!
- Bart: Uh-oh.
- Principal Skinner: The sheer contempt demonstrated by this incident makes me wish I could pull the trusty Board of Education out of retirement. (sighs) Call your father immediately.
- Bart: Hello, is Homer there?
- Moe: Homer who?
- Bart: Homer...Sexual.
- Moe: Wait one second. Let me check. Uh, Homer Sexual? Ah, come on, come on! One of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual!
- Homer: (laughing) Don’t look at me! (laughs)
- Moe: Oh, no. You rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, I’ll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!
- Principal Skinner: You’ll do what, young man?!
- Moe: What? What? Wait. Who is this?
- Principal Skinner: I think the real question is who is this, AND WHERE IS HOMER SIMPSON?!
- Moe: Whoa. Whoa. Sorry, Principal Skinner. Sorry. It’s a bad connection, I think. Gah, it’s for you. I think Bart’s in trouble again.
- Homer: D’oh! (Cut to principal's office) What's he done now?
- Bart: [grumbling while re-sodding the field, one seed at a time] Oh, stupid Principal Skinner. You've got to be kidding me... [stops as he meets Groundskeeper Willie and Principal Skinner]}}
- Groundskeeper Willie: [debut lines] Save yer strength, lad. Heh. There's a whole field for you to re-sod yet. [leaves, chuckling]
- Principal Skinner: [to Patty] So, see me again tomorrow?
- Patty: [grunt] I'm afraid that's my microwave cookery class.
- Principal Skinner: Then the day after that.
- Patty: Oh, gee. Tae kwon do.
- Principal Skinner: The day after that, then.
- Patty: Seymour, you're touching me.
- Principal Skinner: Kiss me, Patty. I don't have cooties.
- Patty: Hi-ya!
- Principal Skinner: [to Bart] I'm going to ask for your Aunt Patty's hand in marriage.
- Bart: It's your funeral, Seymour.
- Selma: [to Bart] What did you learn in school today?
- Bart: Principal Skinner's gonna ask Aunt Patty to marry him.
- Selma: [after a moment of silence] Hmm. Thanks, kid. You made my day.
- Barney: She broke my heart, Moe. (Sobs)
- Moe: Don't worry, Barney. Time heals all wounds.
- Barney: (sees a full pitcher of beer) Well, what do you know? You're right! And, look, a whole pitcher to myself!
- Principal Skinner: Oh, Springfield Elementary! I will have you back again. After all, tomorrow is another school day!
|◄ Season 1||Season 2 Quotes||Season 3 ►|
|Bart Gets an "F" • Simpson and Delilah • Treehouse of Horror (aka "The Simpsons Halloween Special") • Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish • Dancin' Homer • Dead Putting Society • Bart vs. Thanksgiving • Bart the Daredevil • Itchy & Scratchy & Marge • Bart Gets Hit by a Car • One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish • The Way We Was • Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment • Principal Charming • Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? • Bart's Dog Gets an F • Old Money • Brush with Greatness • Lisa's Substitute • The War of the Simpsons • Three Men and a Comic Book • Blood Feud|