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ā—„ Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment
Principal Charming
Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? ā–ŗ
Homer: Marge, honey, I've got five words to say to you: (counts on his fingers) Greasy Joe's Bottomless Bar-B-Q Pit!
Marge: Oh, Homer, remember you promised you'd try to limit pork to 6 servings a week?
Homer: Marge, I'm only human!

Lisa: Aunt Selma?
Selma: [grunts]
Lisa: Do you think you'll ever get married?
Selma: [sadly] Oh, I don't know. [perks up] Why? You know somebody?
Lisa: No.
Selma: [grunts]
Lisa: Since I'm sure you'd only resent the pity of an 8-year-old niece, I'll simply hope that you're one of the statistically insignificant number of 40-year-old single women who ever find their fair prince.

Homer: Which one's Selma again?
Marge: She's the one who likes Police Academy movies and Hummel figurines, and walking through the park on clear autumn days.
Homer: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. But I thought she was the one that didn't like to be... you know... touched.
Marge: It's Patty who chose a life of celibacy. Selma simply had celibacy thrust upon her.

Principal Skinner: Oh sweet lord it is! (Livid) SIMPSOOON!
Principal Skinner: Bart, I'm flabbergasted. Surely you knew as you were writing your own name in 40-foot-high letters on the field that you would be caught.
Bart: Maybe it was one of the other Barts, sir.
Principal Skinner: (angrily) THERE ARE NO OTHER BARTS!
Bart: Uh-oh.
Principal Skinner: The sheer contempt demonstrated by this incident makes me wish I could pull the trusty Board of Education out of retirement. (sighs) Call your father immediately!
Bart: (dials the number) Hello, is Homer there?
Moe: Homer who?
Bart: Homer...Sexual.
Moe: Wait one second. Let me check. Uh, Homer Sexual? Ah, come on, come on! One of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual!
Homer: (laughing with the other bar patrons) Donā€™t look at me! (laughs again)
Moe: (angrily) Oh, no. You rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, Iā€™ll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!
Principal Skinner: (angrily) Youā€™ll do what, young man?!
Moe: (confused) What? What? Wait, who is this?
Principal Skinner: (angrily) I think the real question is who is this and where is Homer Simpson?!
Moe: (horrified) Whoa!! Whoa!! Sorry, Principal Skinner! Sorry! Itā€™s a bad connection, I think. (gives the phone to Homer) Gah, itā€™s for you. I think Bartā€™s in trouble again.
Homer: (embarrassed) Dā€™oh! (Cut to him in the principal's office) What's he done now?

Bart: [grumbling while re-sodding the field, one seed at a time] Oh, stupid Principal Skinner. You've got to be kidding me... [stops as he meets Groundskeeper Willie and Principal Skinner]
Groundskeeper Willie: [debut lines] Save yer strength, lad. Heh. There's a whole field for you to re-sod yet. [leaves chuckling]
Bart: D'oh!

Principal Skinner: [to Patty] So, see me again tomorrow?
Patty: [grunt] I'm afraid that's my microwave cookery class.
Principal Skinner: Then the day after that.
Patty: Oh, gee. Tae kwon do.
Principal Skinner: The day after that, then.
Patty: Seymour, you're touching me.
Principal Skinner: Kiss me, Patty. I don't have cooties.
Patty: Hi-ya!

Principal Skinner: [to Bart] I'm going to ask for your Aunt Patty's hand in marriage.
Bart: It's your funeral, Seymour.

Selma: [to Bart] What did you learn in school today?
Bart: Principal Skinner's gonna ask Aunt Patty to marry him.
Selma: [after a moment of silence] Hmm. Thanks, kid. You made my day.

Barney: She broke my heart, Moe. (Sobs)
Moe: Don't worry, Barney. Time heals all wounds.
Barney: (sees a full pitcher of beer) Well, what do you know? You're right! And, look, a whole pitcher to myself!

Principal Skinner: Oh, Springfield Elementary! I will have you back again. After all, tomorrow is another school day!


ā—„ Season 1 Season 2 Quotes Season 3 ā–ŗ
Bart Gets an "F" ā€¢ Simpson and Delilah ā€¢ Treehouse of Horror (aka "The Simpsons Halloween Special") ā€¢ Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish ā€¢ Dancin' Homer ā€¢ Dead Putting Society ā€¢ Bart vs. Thanksgiving ā€¢ Bart the Daredevil ā€¢ Itchy & Scratchy & Marge ā€¢ Bart Gets Hit by a Car ā€¢ One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish ā€¢ The Way We Was ā€¢ Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment ā€¢ Principal Charming ā€¢ Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? ā€¢ Bart's Dog Gets an F ā€¢ Old Money ā€¢ Brush with Greatness ā€¢ Lisa's Substitute ā€¢ The War of the Simpsons ā€¢ Three Men and a Comic Book ā€¢ Blood Feud
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