- Jack: Hey, if you're done with the washer can I make some booze in it?
- Marge: (sternly) Not until you finish your sundae.
- Jack: (sadly) Yes ma'am.
- (Jack starts eating the sundae, looking pained with every bite)
- Marge: (confused/upset) What's wrong with my sundaes?
- [After Homer helps fix Moe's back]
- Moe: Now I can focus on my cripling emotional problems. (crying) Why, Daddy, why? Why won't you hug me? You hugged the mailman.
- Bart: (to Homer) How's your back?
- Homer: Well, there's a dull ache, certainly. And layered on top of that is a club sandwich of pain. Only instead of bacon, there's agony. Marge, can I have a BLT?
- Marge: How would you feel if I did some volunteer work at the prison?
- Homer: First, I'd feel like having a BLT, then I'd be proud.
- Marge: [to Homer] How's your back, Homey?
- Homer: I can't complain. [indicates a sign which reads: "No Complaining"]
- Warden: Ah, that's for the prisoners. You can complain all you want.
- Homer: [complains] Oh, God, my back! It hurts so much! And my job is so unfulfilling!
- [When Homer visits the chiropractor]
- Dr. Steve: (cheerfully enters) Hello, Homer. I am Dr. Steve. Please lie down.(begins feeling Homer's back for the problem, and Homer falls asleep. Wake up, Homer!
- Homer: Huh? Less yakking, more cracking.
- Dr. Steve: (chuckles) Now Homer, we don't actually "crack" backs; it's merely an adjustment. OK, you're going to hear a loud cracking sound. (cracks Homer's back) There we go.
- Homer: Hey! It feels a little better!
- Dr. Steve: Mm-hmm, I thought it might. Now, I need to see you three times a week, for, uh… (checks his clipboard) …many years.
- Marge: [to Principal Skinner] I read in the "Daily Fourth Gradian" that you need someone to paint a mural.
- Principal Skinner: Yes, school spirit is down 3.4 percent.
- Marge: Well, Jack here will do great work for you.
- Principal Skinner: Oh, any references?
- Jack: Well, to be honest with you, I spent the last six years in Waterville State...
- Marge: It's a small liberal arts college. Very law-abiding. No convicts at all.
- Principal Skinner: Well, the only other one to apply was Moe Szyslak and his stuff scares the hell out of me. (shows them a drawing that Moe did) Ugh! How can anyone consider that making love?
- Lisa: (to Marge) So, how was it in the slammer?
- Marge: Terrific. Bart, Sideshow Bob says he'll be seeing you real soon.
- Bart: (laughs) Oh, that Bob.
- Jack: I shot a guy named Apu.
- Marge: Oh. Well, you know, lots of people shoot Apu. It's just a $100 fine now.
- Warden: [to Marge] Lady, I know he charmed you with some "please's" and "thank you's", but he wasn't so polite to the guy he shot.
- Apu: Actually, he was. He waited with me 'till the ambulance came, then ran like a deer.
- Principal Skinner: Crowley's an ex-con? Dear God! I peed in front of him!
- Principal Skinner: That felon could have torched the whole school, were it not stuffed with asbestos.
- Chief Wiggum: We'll catch Crowley. And then he'll learn the fine art of police brutality.
- Jack: [while burning down Principal Skinner's car] Puma Pride! Puma Pride! [laughs evilly] Catch the fever, Skinner!
- Dr. Steve: [to Homer] Simpson! You're not a licensed chiropractor, and you're stealing patients from me and from Dr. Steffi.
- Homer: Boy, talk about irony. The AMA tries to drive you guys out of business, now you're doing the same to me. Think about the irony.
- Dr. Steve: [grabs Homer by the collar] You've been warned. Stop chiropracting.
- Homer: Not unless you think about the irony.
- Nelson: [after seeing Jack's mural] Finally. Art that doesn't suck!
- Moe: [after Homer's "Spine-O-Cylinder" is destroyed] Forget it, Homer. It's "Chiro-town."
- Principal Skinner: You know, when Superintendent Chalmers suggested a school mural, I almost thought he said a, "school Muriel." [laughs, but the audience is silent] Muriel's his sister. And, uh ... [a shotgun cocks] Well, thank you, Bruce Vilanch.
- Bruce Vilanch: Whoopi would've made it work.
- Marge: All great art is controversial at first, but years from now, people will point to these cuddly little creatures and say, "That's a Jack Crowley."
- Principal Skinner: [while adjusting the school lunch menu] Now, uh, pizza's working well on Thursday, but I think the kids will follow it to Tuesday.
- Groundskeeper Willie: That's what you said about the stuffed peppers, and you lost the young males.
- Marge: [to Jack] You crumb-bum! You looked me right in the eye and lied to me.
- Jack: Marge, this is the God's truth: I burned the mural, but I did not burn Skinner's car.
- Marge: I just saw you! Get him out of here, Chief.
- Chief Wiggum: Yes, ma'am.
- Homer: [describing his Spine-O-Cylinder] And as you can see, the unique dents in my invention perfectly match the contours of the human vertebrains.