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Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?/Quotes

< Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?

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Episode
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Principal Charming
Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
Bart's Dog Gets an F
Homer gives the dinner blessing
Homer: And we thank you Lord, for nuclear power which has yet to cause one fatality, at least in this country.

Homer visits his hospitalized father
Abraham: This made me realize my days are numbered, so I need to reveal a secret. Homer, you have a half-brother.
Homer: I have a brother?! Wow, how come it took you so long to tell me?
Abraham: It all began before you were born..
Many years ago, presumably the 1950s. A much younger Abraham is at a carnival
Abraham: I was at a traveling carnival checking out all the skirts when I saw her.
Female carnie: Hey handsome, want to "dunk the clown"?
Abraham: She was captivating, like a stick of dynamite with a hair bow. She did things your mother would never do, like have sex for money. We hit it off right away.
One year later. The female carnival worker's carefree smile is now replaced by a depressed frown
Abraham: A year later the carnival was back. She was older and handed me a three-month old baby boy. I gave the baby up for adoption and moved on with my life; marrying your mother.
Scenes of Abraham and Mona's wedding, then skips to Mona giving birth to baby Homer
Mona: Abraham, listen to me. I want Homer to have a good life, and not to learn of the shameful act you committed before he was born.
Present day. Abraham realizes he broke his promise to Mona.
Abraham: D'oh!

Shelbyville Orphanage. Homer meets with a man who bears a striking resemblance to Dr. Hibbert, but has a mustache
Director of Shelbyville Orphanage: I know how you feel, Mr. Simpson. I myself have spent years searching for my long-lost twin brother.
Homer: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I wish I could help you, but we're looking for my brother today. Can you tell me his name?
Director: Hmm. According to our records, a Mr. and Mrs. Powell adopted your brother and named him Herbert.
Homer: Herbert! Herbert Powell! Great, where can I find him?
Director: I'm sorry... I'm not allowed to release that information.
Homer: Oh, please, please! This is my life we're talking about here! Please!
Director: Well, I-- I do sympathize with your situation, Mr. Simpson. After all your brother could be anywhere. Even Detroit.
Homer: I know he could be anywhere, that's why I want you to narrow it down for me! Please!
Director: You know, Mr. Simpson, if you ask me, the city of brotherly love is not Philadelphia. It is... Detroit.
Homer: Well, if you ask me, changing the subject makes you the most worthless, heartless excuse for a human being I ever--
Director: Read between the lines, you fool!
Homer: Oh! Oh, I get it! Okay. Here's twenty bucks. Now will you tell me where my brother lives?
Director: Mr. Simpson, I don't want your--
Homer: Just take it and tell me!
Director: Detroit. He lives in Detroit.
Homer: Fine! Thank you!

Homer and Lisa obtain a Detroit phone book. They cross out the names of each "Herbert Powell" they try, but keep crossing their fingers. Marge then comes into room and see a glum Homer and Lisa.
Marge: Any luck, Homie?
Homer: No, I called all three Herbert Powells in Detroit. Nothing.
Marge: Hmm...well, you wanna try that H. Powell?
Homer: H.! Of course! That could stand for Herbert! It's a long shot but...
Homer dials the number for H. Powell. A man at the Powell residence answers.
Homer: Are you H. Powell?
Man: Yes.
Homer: And does, by chance, that H stand for Herbert?
H. Powell: Yes, it does.
Homer: If I may ask, were you an adopted at birth?
Herbert Powell: Yes I was in fact, why do you ask?
Homer: Because my name is Homer Simpson, and I am your long-lost half-brother!
Silence at other end
Homer: Hello. Hello?
Herb: I am here. Just needed a moment to absorb this.
Homer: Well, brother, grab the next plane to Springfield, because we have a lot of catching up to do!
Herb: Tell you what Homer, why don't you come to me?
Powell residence pans out to show it is a luxurious mansion

Herb: While you're here, I want you to make yourselves right at home. Anytime you're hungry, anytime day or night, Cook will make you anything you want.
Homer]: Even pork chops?
Herb: Absolutely. We have a tennis court, a swimming pool, a screening room--
Homer: You mean, if I want pork chops, even in the middle of the night, your guy will fry 'em up?
Herb: Sure. That's what he's paid for. Now, if you need towels, laundry--
Homer: Wait!
Herb: Maids--
Homer: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Let me see if I've got this straight. It's Christmas day, 4:00 a.m., there's a rumble in my stomach--
Marge: Homer, please!
Herb: Your old man sure loves pork chops!
Bart: He sure does, Uncle Herb.

Lisa: I want to go on a pony ride!
Bart: I want to go on a boat ride!
Lisa: Pony ride!
Bart: Boat ride!
Scene cuts to Herb's yacht, where Lisa is riding a pony around the deck and Bart is looking through a telescope
Herb: Kids are so easy to please.
Marge: Herb, please do not think I am ungrateful for all you are doing for us, but I am just concerned we may be spoiling the kids.

Herb: Okay, Homer, pick any one of these.
Homer: You are giving me a car? But Herb, are these not expensive?
Herb: {chuckling} Come on Homer, there is at a maximum only forty dollars worth of steel in each of these things! So which one do you want?
Homer: None.
Herb: Why not?
Homer: I do not like any of them.
Herb: Why not?
Homer: They do not look that flashy.
Executive #1: Sir, Americans do not like flashy cars. They want plain, economical vehicles.
Homer: And they do not look like they can tear up the road.
Executive #2: Sir, Americans do not want cars that are burners. They want good gas mileage.
Herb: {enraged} Americans do not want that?! Homer, what country do you come from?
Homer: America.
Herb: You hear that, you buffoons? America! That is exactly why our business is going down the tubes! You are not providing people with what they want; you are telling them what they want! Homer, I want you to help me design a car that will appeal to the people of this country. I want to pay you $200,000 a year!
Homer: And I want you to let me!

Powell Motors. A motivated Homer returns after a pep talk from Herb.
Homer: All right, listen up! We are going to design a car! First things first, cup holders! Do any of you drink the Big One coffee from Kwik-E-Mart?
Engineer #1: I do.
Homer: OK, so you see how most cup holders are teeny! They should be this big! Next, antennae balls! How many of you had problems finding your car?
Engineer #2: I have.
Homer: So you know what I mean. Those should be on every car! Next up, horns. I want a horn here, here, and here! You can never find a good horn when you are mad! And they should all play La Cucaracha! Moving on, how about when you are on a long trip and the kids will not shut up?
Engineer #3: How about a built in video game?
Homer: You are fired!
Engineer #4: A bubble dome that will isolate the kids?
Homer: Bullseye!

Detroit Zoo. Herb has bribed the zookeeper for Bart and Lisa to get a close look at the penguin exhibit.
Sign: ONLY EMPLOYEES ALLOWED PAST THIS POINT.}}
Bart: Woo hoo!
Lisa: {talking to a penguin} Do you miss Antarctica?
Marge: Now that is spoiling them!

Homer: I can't help but think that maybe you would've been better off if I never came into your life.
Herb: Maybe I would've been better off? Maybe!? Why you sponge head-- Of course I'd have been better off! As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother!
Marge: Hmm, maybe he said it to make conversation.
Lisa: His life was an unbridled success until he found out he was a Simpson.

Entire Simpsons family is asleep in car save for Homer, who is driving, and Bart
Bart: Dad?
Homer: Yes, Bart?
Bart: I thought that was a really cool car you designed.
Homer: Thanks son, I was waiting for someone to say that.
Road sign: YOU ARE NOW LEAVING MICHIGAN.


Season 1 Season 2 Quotes Season 3
Bart Gets an "F"Simpson and DelilahTreehouse of Horror (aka "The Simpsons Halloween Special") • Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every FishDancin' HomerDead Putting SocietyBart vs. ThanksgivingBart the DaredevilItchy & Scratchy & MargeBart Gets Hit by a CarOne Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue FishThe Way We WasHomer vs. Lisa and the 8th CommandmentPrincipal CharmingOh Brother, Where Art Thou?Bart's Dog Gets an FOld MoneyBrush with GreatnessLisa's SubstituteThe War of the SimpsonsThree Men and a Comic BookBlood Feud

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