|New Kid on the Block||
- Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my case against The Never-Ending Story!
- Moe: Barney, don't steal any beer while I'm gone.
- Barney: What kind of pathetic drunk do you take me for? [looks around the bar] Somebody spilled beer in this ashtray! [starts drinking beer out of the ashtray]
- Homer: Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and… um… Oh, wait a minute! Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one, you wanna drink another woman.
- Lionel Hutz: Homer, I don't use the word 'hero' very often, but you are the greatest hero in American history.
- Ruth Powers: I actually had some doubts about moving to Springfield, especially after that TIME cover story, 'America's Worst City.'
- Marge: You could see our house in that photo!
- Lawyer: Your Honor, I'd like to show the court just how much shrimp Mr. Simpson ate. Bring it in, boys!
- Aide: Eighteen thousand letters, all addressed to Santa Claus.
- Lawyer: You want the People of Springfield versus Kris Kringle. That's next door.
- Homer: There was something else...something I was supposed to tiptoe around.
- Ruth Powers: My divorce.
- Homer: That's it! Woo-hoo! I'm glad one of us remembered. That could've been embarrassing.
- Bart: Hey, sometimes a guy just likes his skin to look its yellowest.
- Homer: Marge, we're going to that restaurant.
- Marge: But I think I'm allergic to seafood. The last time I ate shrimp, my throat closed up, and I went into convulsions.
- Homer: Mmm... shrimp...
- [Bart and Lisa are trespassing in the Powers' basement]
- Bart: This is where the Warfields kept their mutated son.
- Lisa: They did not have a son! Bart, stop scaring me!
- Bart: Supposedly he is still here. WOOO!
- Lisa: Bart!
- Unseen voice: Who is there? Woo ha ha ha!
- [Lisa runs in terror, Bart is terrified at seeing an actual monster, trips and faints]
- Laura Powers: [to Bart] Are you all right?
- [Bart is surprised not to see a monster, but an attractive teenage girl]
- Bart's Brain: She's beautiful. Say something clever.
- Bart: I fell on my bottom.
- Bart's Brain: D'oh!
- Bart: I no longer control the hand... The hand controls me!
- Homer: [shouting at Bart and Lisa] Shut up, you little monsters!
- Homer: [finding a babysitter, calmly] I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels.
- Woman: Sorry, this isn't Abby; this is her sister. I look after her now.
- Abigail: [rocking, but otherwise motionless in her rocking chair] No, Bart. Put it down, Bart. Bart, put it down.
- Waiter: I'm sorry, ma'am, but everything on the menu has fish in it.
- Marge: Mmm, what about the bread? Does that have much fish in it?
- Waiter: Yes.
- Homer: This is my quest. I'm like that guy. That Spanish guy. You know, he fought the windmill...
- Marge: Don Quixote?
- Homer: No, that's not it. What's-his-name, the Man of La Mancha.
- Marge: Don Quixote.
- Homer: No!
- Marge: I really think that was the character's name. Don Quixote.
- Homer: Fine! I'll look it up! [heads off and consults a reference]
- Marge: Well, who was it?
- Homer: Never mind.
- Bart: [about Jimbo Jones] How can you like that guy?
- Laura: I dunno. Maybe because he's an outlaw. You know that dead body they found behind the mayor's house?
- Bart: Jimbo killed him?
- Laura: No. But he poked him with a stick.
- Lisa: Good luck in your trumped-up lawsuit, Dad.
- Homer: [hugs her] Thanks. That means a lot to me.
- Bart: [about Jimbo Jones] What do you like about him? He's just a good-looking rebel who plays by his own rules.
- Lisa and Laura: [sigh wistfully]
- Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, in your own words, please tell us what happened after you and your husband were ejected from the restaurant.
- Marge: We pretty much went straight home.
- Lionel Hutz: Remember, Mrs. Simpson, you're still under oath.
- Marge: We drove around until 3:00 in the morning looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant.
- Lionel Hutz: And when you couldn't find any?
- Marge: (crying) We went fishing!
- Lionel Hutz: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, does this sounds like a man who had "all he could eat"?
- Moe: Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Ah, why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss?
- Barney: Maybe your standards are too high! (barflies laughs)
- Moe: (to Bart) You little S.O.B.! Why, when I find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!
- Bart: As usual, a knife-wielding maniac has shown us the way.
- Barney: [after drinking too much beer] Uh oh, my heart just stopped..... oh, there it goes.
- Laura: [on the phone] Hello, I'd like to speak to Ms. Tinkle? First name...
- Bart: [whispers]
- Laura: Ivana?
- Moe: [on the phone] Ivana Tinkle, just a sec. [calls] Ivana Tinkle! Ivana Tinkle! Hey, everybody, put down your glasses. Ivana Tinkle!
- Grampa: Bart, oh you remembered my birthday?
- Bart: Huh? Oh, I sure did! Here's a bus schedule.
- Grampa: Wow, fits right in my pocket.
- Moe: (to a crying Jimbo) Ah, geez, I wasn't gonna kill ya, I was just gonna cut ya.