|My Sister, My Sitter||
- Marge: Ooh, that sounds fabulous, Homer. Stores throw the best parties.
- Homer: You like parties, huh? Well, I just remembered they're having a big one down at the waterfront this weekend.
- Marge: You didn't remember that. You just saw it on TV.
- Homer: The important thing is I didn't imagine it.
- (Lisa and Janey are in Lisa's bedroom reading the "Babysitter Twins" books)
- Janey: I can't get enough of "The Babysitter Twins." They arrested the counterfeiters, rescued the President, and made 4 dollars.
- Lisa: I love everything about the world of babysitting. The responsibility, the obligations, the pressure...
- Janey: And full refrigerator privileges!
- Lisa: That's a trust, Janey. A sacred trust.
- Janey: Geez. Lighten up, Lisa.
- Reverend Lovejoy: Friday, you will have the chance to [waves his hands] party down in the church basement to the Jesus rock stylings of Testaments. That's on Friday, 6:00 PM sharp.
- Bart: [scoffs] All the best bands are affiliated with Satan.
- Lisa: But I'm very mature for my age. People often mistake me for 9!
- Lisa: Where are the dice?
- Todd: Daddy says dice are wicked.
- Rod: We just move one space at a time. It's less fun that way.
- Rod & Todd: (as a white moth flies from the game lid) Moth! Moth! Moth! Moth! Moth! Moth! (the boys run in horror as the moth chases them)
- Lisa: Don't worry. A moth is no more harmful than a ladybug.
- Rod and Todd: A ladybug?! (screams and run upstairs)
- Lisa: (sets the moth free out a window) Hmm. (sarcastically) They're going to get eaten alive in middle school.
- Lisa: [tucking in Rod] Once there was a robot named Todd.
- Todd: Did he have a brother?
- Lisa: Yes, he had a brother named Rod, who was two space years older than him.
- Todd: [frightened, pulls up his blanket] I don't like this story!
- Bart: You made all that money for sitting around and watching TV and eating food?
- Lisa: There's a lot more to it than that, Bart. I don't just babysit. I sell peace of mind for a dollar an hour. Two dollars after 9 o'clock.
- Bart: (complimenting Homer's outfit) You could be Abe Lincoln's father's boss!
- Homer [to Bart when he finds out Lisa's his babysitter]: Take it like a man, boy, and do everything your sister says.
- Bart: This is an outrage! I am two years and 38 days older than she is! This is the greatest injustice in the history of the world!
- Lisa: Bart, I know you're not wild about having me for a babysitter, but I'm not some ogre. I think you will find me fair and fun.
- Bart: You're dead.
- Lisa: You should wash up for dinner. To make it fun, you can use the Mr. Bubbles. It'll be like giving your fingers a bubble bath.
- Bart: You are so dead.
- [When Homer drives through the waterfront at the Squidport grand opening]
- Homer: I love these pedestrian malls. There's practically no traffic.
- Marge: Homer, I think you should stop. The mayor's yelling at us.
- Mayor Quimby: (shouts) Stop! You idiots!
- Bart: May I have some more lima beans, please?
- Lisa: Certainly. [gives him a few lima beans]
- Bart: More than that.
- Lisa: Certainly. [gives him more lima beans]
- Bart: More. [gives him more] More. [gives him more; Bart has a small pile of lima beans on his plate] More.
- Lisa: Uh, maybe you should eat the ones you have.
- Bart: I didn't say I was gonna eat them. I just want to look at them because they're so gross. [pushes his plate away]
- Lisa: Bart, if you don't want to have a babysitter, maybe you should stop being such a baby.
- Bart: Oh, I'm a baby, huh? Well then I'll act like a baby. [takes a huge bite of his coffee ice cream] [it spills onto his shirt; he fills his cheeks with ice cream and his lips are covered in ice cream] Ga-ga goo-goo!
- Lisa: Even babies know how to open and close their mouths. You need a bib. [straps a bib on Bart]
- Bart: Oh baby hate bib! Waah! Waah! [starts banging his spoon on Lisa's plate]
- [Maggie starts crying]
- Lisa: Oh, look, Bart! Now you got Maggie all upset!
- Bart: Relax, I'll give her some ice cream. [gives all his ice cream to Maggie; Maggie's eye pupil shrinks]
- Lisa: Bart, that's coffee ice cream. It has caffeine in it!!
- [Maggie starts twitching her head and body hyperactively]
- Bart: Well, at least that'll make things more interesting for you, now won't it?
- Marge: Ooh, it's so beautiful! This is what I imagine Paris must be like.
- Homer: You've never been?
- Marge: I'm so honored that Springfield has been chosen to host to all these upscale chain stores. I guess that makes us yuppies, huh, Homie?
- Homer: Ehh. I'm really more of a slacker.
- Rainier Wolfcastle: (at the opening of "Planet Hype) It's true! The entire menu was personally approved by my secretary.
- Tourist: Hey, this isn't faux dive. This is a dive.
- Moe: You're a long way from home, yuppie boy. I'll start a tab.
- [Lisa is trying to get a hyper Maggie down off of the shower curtain rod]
- Lisa [to Maggie]: Maggie, If you come down, I'll give you some more coffee! Lots more coffee! [calls from upstairs] Are you getting ready for bed, Bart?
- Bart [from downstairs]: I am! [on the phone in the TV room] That's right. I want the 25-foot Italian party sub. And don't skimp on the vinegar. [hangs up] It's time Lisa learned what babysitting Bart Simpson is all about. [dials someone else] Um, yes, I'd like to host an AA meeting? Tonight, if possible.
- [Meanwhile, Hyper Maggie aims and plays with a bottle of Talcum Powder in her room]
- Lisa: Come on Maggie! Good Maggie! The talcum powder's not to play with!
- [Maggie squeezes the bottle of Talcum Powder, which completely covers Lisa in Talcum Powder. She coughs, then groans.]
- [Lisa drags Bart upstairs to put him to bed]
- Lisa: Why do you have to make this so difficult?
- Bart: I'm using nonviolent resistance.
- Lisa: Ugh, the idea that you would compare yourself to Mahatma Gandhi...
- Bart: Who?
- Krusty the Clown: Well, I'm not leaving 'til I get paid. I get five hundred just for "Hey hey!"
- Air Force Officer: We got a report that a Lisa Simpson spotted a UFO.
- Lisa: I didn't see any UFO!
- Air Force Officer: That's right, miss. You didn't.
- Chauffeur: I'm here to pick up the Ambassador from Ghana.
- Lisa: Well he's not here! Nobody's here! And none of you should be here!! You've all been tricked!
- Chauffeur: Why would the Ambassador do such a thing?
- [Lisa goes into the kitchen, she sees Bart eating bread.]
- Lisa: I thought I told you to go to bed!
- Bart: Yeah right, bread. You said, "Go to bread."
- Lisa: [clenching her teeth] I said, "Go to bed!"
- Bart: Yeah. Go to bread.
- Lisa: B-E-D! BED!
- Bart: Ohhhhh, bed! Ohh! Anything you say, sis!
- Lisa: [growls; twitches her eye]
- [Lisa finds Bart jumping on her bed]
- Bart: You didn't say which bed!
- Lisa: Go to your bed!
- Bart: Make me.
- Lisa: I'll make you! [lunges after him; Bart leaps off the bed]
- Bart: If you want me, you gotta catch me! [Lisa lunges after Bart again; Bart jumps back] Almost. [Lisa lunges at Bart a third time; Bart jumps back again] Oh, so close.
- Lisa: Bart! [lunges at Bart which causes him to jump back again but falls down the stairs; Lisa gasps] Oh my God...
- Krusty: [enters the house] Ok, we'll call it even if I can just have some of that big sandwich. [sees Bart injured] Oh ha-ha, I'll come back. [leaves and shuts the door]
- [Homer gets stuck in the water fountain floor and everyone laughs at him]
- Homer: Don't laugh at me! I was once like you!
- (Lisa calls 911 after Bart is injured.)
- Lisa: Hello, this is Lisa Simpson and--
- 911 Operator: Simpson? Look, we've already been out there tonight for a sisterectomy, a case of severe butt-rot, and a leprechaun bite! How dumb do you think we are? (hangs up)
- Chief Wiggum: [in Lisa's dream] The boy was studying quietly, when the girl, drunk on her own sense of power, beat him silly with a block of frozen lima beans.
- [Lisa loads Bart into a wheelbarrow to take him to Dr. Nick's office.]
- Lisa: Don't worry, Bart. Everything's gonna be just fine. I'm gonna get you to a doctor, [puts Maggie in the barrow] he will fix you up, and by this time tomorrow, we'll all be a happy family. [nervously] Happy, happy, happy family. [Maggie is restless and playing around with Bart's face] Maaaggie!! [Lisa looks around and eyes the cat carrier; scene shows Maggie in the cat carrier]
- Snake: Yo, um, I must've, like, fell on a bullet, and it, like, drove itself into my gut.
- Dr. Nick: Hey, don't worry. You don't have to make up stories here. Save that for court!
- Comic Book Guy: Oooh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.
- [Lisa is stopped by Chief Wiggum as she tries to wheelbarrow Bart to the hospital]
- Chief Wiggum: Hold it right there. [gets out his car] Well, if it isn't Springfield's finest little babysitter, Lisa Simpson!
- Lisa: Hi! How are you?
- Chief Wiggum: Um, I'm fine. Now, Lisa, when you're walking down the side of the road, always wanna be sure to go with traffic, okay? Well... is that with traffic, or against traffic? No, it's with traffic. With traffic. Anyway, good night.
- Lisa: Whew.
- Chief Wiggum: Uh, hold on a minute! Let me have a look at that wheelbarrow, please.
- Lisa: Okay.
- Chief Wiggum: Just as I thought! It's a Yard King! That is a quality barrow. Well, I gotta run.
- Mayor Quimby: Citizens of Springfield, I officially declare this...what the hell is that?! [sees Lisa with Bart in the wheelbarrow]
- Principal Skinner: Why, it's Lisa Simpson! And look what she's doing!
- [Lisa is shown with Bart's muddy body in the wheelbarrow with Maggie in the cat carrier as well.]
- Maude: She's murdered her brother!
- Lenny: And she's trying to dump the body in the harbor!
- Otto: Well, duh!
- Sideshow Mel: And, as a grim finale, she intends to drown that poor caged baby!
- Lisa: [shields her eyes from the light; wobbly] What's happening? Where am I?
- Helen: And she's on drugs!
- Homer: Give me the drugs, Lisa.
- Lisa : Dad, I'm not on drugs, I was just trying to-
- Marge: [sees Bart] Oh, his arm! Oh, my special little guy! Are you Ok?
- Dr Hibbert: Dislocated shoulder, bump on the noggin. My diagnosis: A rather nasty fall...caused by bad babysittting! [Lisa gasps]
- [The next day, Lisa is lying on her bed and Bart comes in, wearing a cast on his arm]
- Lisa: Hey, Bart. How's your arm?
- Bart: It's all right. I was hoping they'd give me one of those steel claws, but what are you gonna do...
- Lisa: Mm.
- Bart: I'm sorry I was such a jerk last night. Guess I sorta ruined your babysitting business.
- Lisa: Yeah, well, that's okay. I can always sell seeds. You want some seeds?
- Bart: No thanks.
- Lisa: Ohh.
- [the phone rings; Lisa picks up]
- Lisa: Hello. World's worst babysitter speaking.
- Dr. Hibbert: Lisa! I'm glad I reached you. Are you available to babysit tonight?
- Lisa: Aren't you afraid I might take drugs and injure your children?
- Dr. Hibbert: Yes, that is a concern, but it's so hard to find a sitter, and I've got judo tonight!
- Lisa: Um, okay, I'm sorry, can you hold on, please? [takes another call] Hello?
- Ned: Lisa, Ned Flanders. You available tonight?
- Lisa: Didn't you hear I almost killed my brother?
- Ned: You did? Just a minute. [long pause] What time can you come over?