|My Fair Laddy||
- Groundskeeper Willie: (talking about the "Home, Sweet Home" sign Lisa made for him) You made that for me? (sniffles) I think I need a moment alone.
- Lisa: I understand. (leaves)
- (when she is gone, Willie takes the sign off the wall and smashes it)
- Willie: I liked it the way it was!
- (Marge is surprised by the ad on Homer's head when he turns the light off)
- Marge: It glows in the dark!
- Homer: (nervously) It's not supposed to.
- Coach Krupt: Bombardment! Bombardment! Bombardment!
- Jimbo: Look at her, trying to civilize Willie! That's as unlikely as Kearney going around the world in 80 days!
- Kearney: (has a thought) 80 days? More than ample time to circumnavigate the globe.
- Jimbo: Would you care to wager on that?
- Kearney: You're on.
- Dolph: I shall hold the money!
- (pays Jimbo some money and then bikes off screen right. A few seconds later, a hot-air balloon appears going the opposite way)
- Kearney: (in balloon) To Istanbul!
- Jimbo: Wrong way, dingus.
- Coach Krupt: Today we will be playing a game as old as pain itself, BOMBARDMENT.
- Milhouse: I'm intrigued! What are the rules?
- Coach Krupt: DUCK OR DIE!
- Coach Krupt: VAN HOUTEN!
- Milhouse: (sheepishly) Here, sir, but my doctor says no more bombardment.
- Coach Krupt: WELL HERE'S A SECOND OPINION! [chucks a dodgeball at Milhouse] MUNTZ!
- Nelson: Do your worst! I'm drunk!
- Coach Krupt: Well welcome to A.A., ALWAYS ATTACKING! [chucks a dodgeball at Nelson]
- Lisa: Good night, Willie!
- Willie: Good night! (hits himself on the head with a hammer, then falls asleep)
- Coach Krupt: (after he hits Bart with a ball) Son, are you all right?
- Bart: I think so...
- Coach Krupt: BOMBARDMENT! (hits Bart with a ball again)
- Bart: (puts a water dodgeball in the freezer and takes out Lisa's saxophone) Why did I put this in here?
- Lisa: My saxophone! (begins playing, but her lips get stuck)
- Bart: Oh, now I remember!
- Lisa: (muffled) You jerk! I'm telling Mom!
- (Homer is on a go-kart when his seat collapses, causing his butt to scrape the ground)
- Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Sir, your go-kart's broken!
- Homer: No! I paid for fifty laps and I'm taking them!
- (Homer then has brief moments of laughter followed by brief moments of pain. He passes the lap sign, which goes from "2" to "3".)
- Willie: (sings to the tune of "Wouldn’t It Be Lovely") All I want is a place somewhere...
- Lisa: (pause) And?
- Willie: That's it.
- Bart: Maybe you should aim a little higher.
- Willie: Hmm...Let's see... (continues singing) Oh, to have me shack rebuilt, Get my rotten teeth all drillt, something on underneath my kilt, oh, wouldn't it be adequate? Matching shoes for both me feet, dining on untainted meat, a toilet what still has its seat.
- (zoom to Homer sitting on the toilet reading a newspaper)
- Homer: Oh,wouldn't it be adequate?
- Bart and Lisa: Adequate? Adequate?
- Willie: Wouldn't it be adequate? (tries to close the living room's window's curtains but they fall down)
- Homer: (watching Super Bowl ad for blue pants) How long is this ad?
- Executive: I don't know. I've never made it to the end.
- Willie: (singing) What flows from the nose does not go on my clothes.
- Lisa: I think he's got it, oh yeah, he's got it.
- Willie: (in front of Lisa's mirror) What flows from the nose-
- Willie's mirror reflection: -Does not go on my clothes.
- Willie: Gah! A talking mirror! (takes a chair and smashes Lisa's mirror) Gah! (takes Bart and Lisa's noses and swoops them)
- Lisa: Where is that ghastly flow?
- Willie: The nose, the nose!"
- Lisa: And where should it not go?
- Homer: Blue pants, blue pants!
- Lisa: (stops singing) Dad, get your own song!
- Homer: Fine. (goes away singing) I'm getting blue pants in the morning, ding dong, the zipper's gonna shine!
- Willie: (singing) I've a fancy suit,and a clean white shirt, but I miss the days when tractor fumes blew up my skirt. I was freezing cold, and I slept in mold, but I long for the shack where I lived. She was true to me, my own home of wood, and when I passed out drunk from turpentine she understood. Life was so sublime-
- Groundskeeper Largo: -Well Boo-Hoo,'cause I'm hanging ferns in the shack where you lived! (stops singing). If I had your voice I'd talk-sing everything!
- Marge: Willie, do you want to stay at our house?
- Willie: I don't need your charity, just as long as I've got a pan over my head.
- Marge:: That's a colander.
- Willie: (sees that Marge is right) So that's where all the soup went.
- Willie: I feel like I... (singing)
- Could be indoors all night,
- Could use a fork, and knife,
- and never soil my suit!
- I could be so polite
- Start not a single fight
- And still not feel like a fruit!
- How very nice
- That there's no lice
- In my hair.
- And my toe-nails I don't bite.
- Now that I've reached the stage
- Where I'm not full of rage
- I could be indoors
- Indoors all night!