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|| Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington
- Homer: Mmmmmm… promo. EEWWW!!! Fox!!!!
- Channel 6 TV Announcer: You're watching Channel 6, Springfield's home for Krusty the Clown, now on 3 times a day. Because at Channel 6, we got nothin' else!
- Marge: There has to be a solution that pleases everyone, from ducks and trees to you's and me's.
- Professor John Frink: (pedaling a flying contraption in the air) If I stop pedalling, I'll die! But it still beats U.S. Air!
- Grampa: (moving across the floor on a toilet) I've had this dream before.
- Lisa: Krusty, I don't usually give advice to Republicans. But it would be nice to be on the winning side…for once.
- Bart: Krusty, I thought you'd make a difference, that's why I voted for you!
- Krusty: How could you vote? You're only 10!
- Bart: This is not about me, or how many times I voted.
- Krusty: I vow to reach out to the Latino community! (in Spanish) Voy a vomitar en la tomba de tu madre!
- (the crowd gasps)
- Bumblebee Man: Ay yi yi!
- Krusty: What'd I say? What'd I say?
- Bumblebee Man: You said you were going to vomit on their mothers' graves!
- Krusty: Oh! So that's why my maid quit.
- Krusty: I could even tell the FCC to take a hike. Look at this list of words they won't let me say on the air. (hands Bart a piece of paper)
- Bart: Aww! All the good ones. Hmm, I never even heard of number nine.
- Krusty: That's 2-ing 13 while she's 11-ing your 5.
- Bart: Can I keep this?
- Krusty: Sure, no 12 off my ass.
- Homer: I guess there's only one way out of our problems: a murder-suicide pact.
- Marge: How can you say that?
- Homer: It's just an expression, Marge.
- Krusty: Are you guys any good at covering up youthful and middle-aged indiscretions?
- Mr. Burns: Are these indiscretions romantic, financial, or treasonous?
- Krusty: Russian hooker. You tell me.
- Mr.Burns: Oh, no problem, we'll just say you were on a fact finding mission.
- Krusty:I did find out one fact, she was a guy!
- Dr. Hibbert: Well if Eddie Murphey can go on do play Dr. Dolittle I suppose we can make this work. Congratulations Krusty, you're running for congress!
- Kent Brockman: This is Kent Brockman, with a special live report from the headquarters of Krusty opponent John Armstrong. How can I prove we're live? Penis! Now here's the candidate.
- Ralph: [to Homer] I'll give you a milk and 3 crayons for your house.
- Cookie Kwan: It's a good deal. I advise you to take it.
- Homer: Make it a chocolate milk and you got a deal.
- Ralph: I'm walking away. [walks away]
- Mr. Burns: Welcome, fellow Republicans. To start with the old business, Brother Hibbert will read a report on our efforts to rename everything after Ronald Reagan.
- Dr. Hibbert: All Millard Fillmore schools are now Ronald Reagans, the Mississippi River is now the Mississippi Reagan...
- Dracula: And my good friend Frankenstein is now Franken-reagan. Blah!
- Mr. Burns: Excellent!
- Mayor Quimby: [while having sex with another woman who isn't his wife] Vote Quimby, vote Quimby, vote Quimby, VOTE QUIMBY! UGH! Without those noisy planes I can finally hear my kitten purr.
- Lady: [in a very squeaky, annoying tone] Thanks a million, Joe! You're the swellest!
- Mayor Quimby: That's your voice? Now I regret building you that opera house!