|Mountain of Madness||
- Mr. Burns: I've seen more orderly behavior in a Ritz Brothers film! You all need a serious lesson in teamwork!
- Carl: (pointing to Lenny) Maybe he does, but I don't.
- Lenny: (offended) Hey! you take that back!
- Carl: No! You take that back!
- The two engage in a fist fight.
- Mr. Burns: Tell me, Simpson, if an opportunity arose for taking a small short-cut, you wouldn't be averse to taking it, would you?
- Homer: Hmm, not as such.
- Mr. Burns: Neither would I. If you can take advantage of a situation in some way, it's your duty as an American to do it. Why should the race always be to the swift, or the Jumble to the quick-witted? Should they be allowed to win merely because of the gifts God gave them? Well I say, "Cheating is the gift man gives himself."
- Homer: Mr. Burns, I insist that we cheat!
- Mr. Burns: Excellent!
- Bart: Mom, can Lisa and I play outside... away from the bear?
- Smithers: Sir, this can't be right. You assured me this drawing was rigged so we'd be teammates.
- Mr. Burns: Yes, well, you've been bit of a pill lately.
- Smithers: Why do we always fight on vacation?
- Carl: According to the map, the cabin should be right here.
- Lenny: Hey, maybe there is no cabin. Maybe it's one of them, um, metaphorical things.
- Carl: Oh, yeah, yeah. Like maybe the "cabin" is the place inside each of us created by our goodwill and teamwork.
- Lenny: Oh. Nah, they said there'd be sandwiches.
- Mr. Burns: Well, Simpson, I must say, once you've been through something like that with a person, you never want to see that person again.
- Homer: You said it, you weirdo.
- Marge: Don't worry, kids. This is a national park. We can have lots of fun!
- Ranger: Oh, I'm afraid that's no longer true, ma'am. Budget cutbacks have forced us to eliminate anything the least bit entertaining.
- Lisa: We'll help you.
- Bart: I have a watch with a minute hand.
- Smithers: All right, you can come. What time is it?
- Bart: 12:80. No wait. Wait. What comes after 12?
- Smithers: 1.
- Bart: No, after 12!
- Marge: Excuse me, sir? I can't find my children.
- Ranger: Have you checked the woods?
- Marge: No.
- Ranger: Hmm. Follow me.
- (The Ranger leads Marge to the chair lift)
- Ranger: We'll take the chair lift. It'll give us an eagle-eye view of the area directly beneath the chair lift.
- (They get on)
- Ranger: I won't lie to you. Our chances of finding your children are slim to nil.
- Lisa: (from below) Hi, Mom!
- (Smithers and the kids are waving at Marge)
- Marge: There they are! Let me down here.
- Ranger: Sorry. There's no way off till we get to the top, and even then it's sort of tricky.
- Marge: All right, kids, we'll meet you at the top! Just be careful!
- Ranger: Uh, actually, I'm a little more concerned about us. (A support beam for the lift chair snaps in half.) Um, do you know how to weld?
- Homer: You know, Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know. Way richer than Lenny.
- Mr. Burns: Oh, yes. But I'd trade it all for a little more.
- Mr. Burns: Is it supposed to take this long? What's a good time for a mass evacuation of the entire plant?
- Smithers: 45 seconds.
- Mr. Burns: And what's our time so far?
- Smithers: I don't know, sir. This stopwatch only goes up to 15 minutes.
- Mr. Burns: Damnation! What kind of slow coaches do I have working for me?
- Homer: I think I won, Mr. Burns.
- Mr. Burns: (in an evil voice) Yes. You won, all right. You won more than you bargained for.
- Homer: Woo-hoo!
- Smithers: Each two-man team will work its way through the wilderness to a cabin hidden somewhere on this mountain. The routes are treacherous, so use your maps.
- Homer: (raising his hand) Uh, I lost my map.
- Smithers: You haven't been issued a map, yet.
- Smithers: How could you do this to me, Mr. Burns? After all I've done for you. Why, if you were here, I'd kick you right in your boney old behind!
- ("boney old behind" is heard echoing across the mountain)
- Mr. Burns: Why, thank you, Simpson! I have been watching my figure.
- Homer: Wow, you sure know how to cheat, Mr. Burns.
- Mr. Burns: Yes, well, I'm older than you… You know, Simpson, you're not as objectionable as you seemed when we first met.
- Homer: No, sir, I am not.
- Mr. Burns: We have several hours before the others arrive, let's say we get comfy. (turns on the fuse box) Now we have electricity. (turns on the gas) This propane tank will supply us with heat. And this doorknob, properly turned, will allow us access to the cabin.
- Homer: No going through the window for us!
- Lenny: Well, we made it here first. All thanks to teamwork.
- Carl: Yeah, my teamwork.
- Mr. Burns: Ah, 206 bones, 50 miles of small intestine, full, pouting lips. Why, this fellow is less a snowman than a god.
- Homer: Hey, that's the fire alarm.
- Carl: We gotta get out of here.
- Lenny: Wait for me! [filling a cup at the cocoa machine] Come on, come on, come on!
- Homer: So, Mr. Burns is gonna make us all go on a stupid corporate retreat up in the mountains to learn about teamwork. Which means we'll have to cancel our plans to hang around here.
- Bart: Teamwork is overrated.
- Homer: Huh?
- Bart: Think about it. I mean, what team was Babe Ruth on? Who knows.
- Lisa and Marge: Yankees.
- Bart: Sharing is a bunch of bull, too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
- Homer: Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. But I think we have to go to the retreat anyway.
- Lisa: Hi, Mr. Smithers.
- Smithers: [sees Bart and Lisa] Oh great. It's the Bobbsey Twins. Well, take your prying eyes elsewhere.
- Bart: [checking out the trees] Is there maple syrup in this one?
- Smithers: There isn't any food in any of these trees. Please, Bart, we've got to hurry! I can't be the last one to reach the cabin.
- Bart: Hey, I'm not gonna get fired. Is there any gold in this mountain?
- Smithers: [sputtering] It doesn't matter!
- Bart: I'll check. [draws a knife, and starts digging]
- Lisa: [running] Mr. Smithers! Mr. Smithers! I found another hurt shrew. I think this one has a twisted ankle.
- Smithers: [sighs] Twisted ank... [sputters] Aren't there any healthy animals in this forest?
- Lisa: Mr. Smithers, Mr. Smithers! That moose is on fire!
- Smithers: Fine, good. I don't care anymore.
- Lenny: [standing with a liquor bottle in his hand] That old goat can't fire me! I'm gonna give him a piece of my mi... [falls in a hole, screaming; thud]
- Lisa: Mr. Smithers! Mr. Smithers! That moose is on fire!
- Smithers: Fine, good, I don't care anymore. I'm the last one here. You kids cost me my job.
- Lenny: You ain't last, Mr. Smithers.
- Smithers: [sighs] Thank goodness.
- Carl: Yeah, Burnsie and Homer never made it.
- Smithers: Mr. Burns is still out there?
- Lisa: [gasps] What about our dad?