Apu: (carrying his octuplets) Tell that to my aching back!
Bart: (groans) It's not a family stroll! Homer forgot where he parked his car last night and now we have to find it!
Marge: What a beautiful day to be in denial!
Lisa: Yeah Bart, who cares? The sun is shining, birds are singing, people... are... staring up at the sky in terror? (The family screams)
Homer: Do you see it, Lisa? There's... nothing... there.
Milhouse: And that's where Lard Lad used to be!
Lou: Uh... Looks like we better file a report with the Bureau of Missing Statues.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah. Be like that time that Rodin statue got stolen. What was the name of that statue again? Eh Ah, let me think. (sits on the statue's base imitating The Thinker) Um... thinking .Yeah... still thinking. Still thinking....
Kent Brockman: In response to the outcry, Lard Lad's parent company, Tianjin Mining and Smelting and Donuts, has issued the following statement: "We are rebranding Lard Lad with an updated statue".
Homer: Ooh, rebranding!
Lisa: That just means admitting failure, Dad.
Homer: Ooh, admitting failure!
Mayor Quimby: People of Springfield, please welcome Mr.... I know I'm gonna mangle this: Lee Fong!
Robert Chan: Uh... actually, it's pronounced Robert Chan.
Mayor Quimby: Duh!? (leaves)
Robert Chan: And now, please welcome the model for the original Lard Lad, Mr. Laird Lad!
Homer: A lot of crazy names today.
Lisa: People, let's give the new statue a chance! When the Eiffel Tower was first built, many said it was a steel monstrosity.
Lenny: (angrily) It still is.
Lisa: Fine, but maybe this will grow on you.
Mayor Quimby: The time for mourning and blaming our mayors hasassed. We will rebuild! We will rebuild!
Everyone: We will rebuild! We will rebuild! We will rebuild!
Marge: I guess there's only one man we can turn to.
Mr. Burns: Very well. I will rebuild this town on one condition!
Homer: Forget it! Our desperate plea is nonnegotiable.
Mr. Burns: I want to put on a variety show at the Bowl! A celebration of everything wonderful about uh... what's the name of this town again?
Smithers: Springfield, sir.
Mr. Burns: Yes, I will destroy Springfield.
Smithers: Celebrate, sir!
Mr. Burns: Fine! We'll try your way first.
Kent Brockman: Springfield has risen from the ashes like a phoenix! That's phoenix, the mythical bird, not Phoenix, the cultureless, Mars-scape of the Southwest. (chuckles)
Mr. Burns: And don't forget the open auditions for my Springfield Follies. This year women may audition too! With permission of husband, father and pastor in writing!
Principal Skinner: (over P.A.) Attention: An old man is prowling the school, looking for young children. Please, perform for him.
Nelson: Watch me make this nerd disappear! (pushes Martin into a locker and locks him in) Ta-da! Also, haw-haw!
Mr. Burns: Excellent villain! And my cast is complete. I'll just save the list and... (tries to open the clasp, but fails) Samson himself could not pry open these jaws!
Lisa: Can I help you, sir?
Mr. Burns: Oh, women aren't meant for clasp opening! (Lisa opens the clasp for Mr. Burns) Young lady, if there's one thing I know about show business, it's that there are a lot of clipboards! How would you like to be my assistant director?
Lisa's brain: Hmm... And I'll be perfectly positioned to find out exactly what Mr. Burns is really up to.
Lisa: I'm in! And if you need another act, I also play this. (points to her saxophone)
Mr. Burns: There's no room in my show for Adolphe Sax's vile-sounding o-phone!
Lisa: Do you ever say anything in a simple way?
Mr. Burns: Shut up.
Lisa: (sad) Well, that was clear.
Mr. Burns: Muntz, what have you got?
Nelson: A rabbit in a bag.
Mr. Burns: Ooh, a promising magic trick!
Nelson: No, it's my lunch.
Mr. Burns: Bah! You're all incompetent! I won't go through this a second time.
Lisa: Second time!? Is there something you're not telling us?
Mr. Burns: A vast amount! And what part of "What I've never told you" don't you understand?
Smithers: (To Lisa) Well, if isn't the little girl that made a billionaire cry.
Lisa: Oh, what is bothering him? And what were those weird lines around his eyes?
Smithers: I know. It's such a tragedy on that beautiful face.
Lisa: (After watching Mr. Burns' failed pageant presentation) So this is what made Mr. Burns the monster he is. (giggles)
Mr. Burns: Within days half of America was cranking to my bottom.
Lisa: I think you're trying to make up for what happened to you then by putting on a perfect Bowl show now.
Mr. Burns: Pft! Spare me you amateur psychology! "Ooh, I saw my father decapitated by a grain harvester and now I can't enjoy wheat, boo-hoo!"
Mr. Burns: Smithers, locate my dickey! We've got a show to do!
Carl: Oh yeah, here he comes! The life of this party!!
Homer: Who wants to... get back to work!? (The employees stop partying) We are a public trust! We bring power to people's homes! Lightbulbs, toasters, and that's all I can think of! Now let's buckle down!
Lenny: Okay Homer, just let us get our microwave popcorn out of the core.
Homer: You're only supposed to do that when we're watching a movie in the core!
Mr. Burns: Thank you, thank you! Well, that's the easiest time anyone's had parking at the Springfield Bowl. (the crowd laughs at Burns' joke, which makes him angry) Don't you laugh at me!
(Nelson is doing a puppet show)
Nelson: Say, Sockie, who was that lady I saw you with last night?
Sockie: That was no lady, that was your mother!
Nelson: Oh, she'll date anyone! Why won't she give me a stable home?
Homer: (next to the exploding nuclear power plant) No! No!! it's not fair! I was good!!
Mr. Burns: (to Lisa) You!! This show was your fault!
Lisa: Well, you'd better know this, mister! This town has my back! And... (she looks back and sees that the bown is completelly empty) hey, where did they go? How did fifteen thousand people leave so fast? (she looks back at Mr. Burns) Um... hey! Want... to see... me do... a cartwheel? (she tries to do a cartwheel, but fails) Always had trouble with those.
Mr. Burns: Oh, I can't stay mad at you. At my age, I can't stay anything at anybody! Oh, and you know what? The laughter in my head is gone. Go ahead, blow your German kazoo.
Lisa: Yes, sir! (starts playing her saxophone)
Mr. Burns: Smithers, tap my foot for me. (Smithers does so) With impatience. (he starts tapping his foot harder) Now, lift my arm so I can check my watch.
Smithers: Oh, you really should start doing some of these things yourself.