- Lisa: You're a heartless jerk!
- Moe: Where did that come from? Oh, right, my actions.
- Marge: (reads Moe's note) "Dear pus bag..."
- Homer: Whoa, Marge, who'd you piss off?
- Moe: It's for you, pus bag!
- Homer: This vibrating massage chair feels great.
- Moe: That ain't a massage chair; it's just full of cockroaches.
- Grampa: (with his gold medal) I've never been happier! ("The Star-Spangled Banner" plays) Turn that hippie crap off!
- Lisa: (gasps) It's Tom Wolfe! He uses more exclamation points than any other major American writer.
- Tom Wolfe: It's true!
- Homer: (reading his poem)
- There once was a rapping tomato.
- That's right, I said rapping tomato.
- He rapped all day from April to May,
- and also, guess what? It was me.
- Moe: Look at me, sitting here depressed when I'm surrounded by the happiest people in the world: writers.
- Lisa: Moe marginalized my contributions!
- (Homer and Bart gasp. Lisa runs away sobbing.)
- Homer: No one makes my daughter sob and run!
- Bart: He ruined her first Wordloaf!
- (Maggie spits out cereal letters that spell 'Don't forge')
- Homer: Don't forge? Don't forge what? (Maggie spits out a T) Ohhh, don't forget! Don't forget what?
- Jameson: Stop the presses and send my wife some flowers and bring me an anvil! What do you mean you don't work for me? You're hired! Now that you're hired, you're fired! Now that you don't work here, we can be friends. Now that we're friends, how come you never call? Some friend you are! I love this business!
- Jameson: That’s sweet, I hate sweet. I need photos, photos of Spider-man.
- Employee: This is a poetry journal.
- Jameson: Okay then. I want poems about Spider-Man, and I want them finished before you start, and before you start, I want a coffee. And the poems should have the following rhyme scheme, a, b, b, a, a, b, b, a, c, e, d, e, d, d. What are you waiting for, Chinese New Year?
- Homer: I love these covered bridges. It's like driving through cute little houses.
- Guy on Hood: That was my house, you moron!
- Lisa: Go ahead, I don't think I'd be very good company.
- Homer: Thanks for the heads up, we'll see you when we see you!
- Gore Vidal: I don't need your sycophantic laughter. I have some on tape.
- Moe: That’s a terrific title. It jumps out at you like a rat out of your underwear drawer.
- (Moe sits on the Simpsons' porch)
- Moe: (singing) Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me. I feel so damn lonely, won't someone kill me? (cries in his hands) And many more!
- Marge: Homer, don't drink and drive!
- Homer: Fine, I'll drive between sips.
- Grampa: I can finally win a gold medal. I came close at the 1936 Olympics. I threw a javelin that barely missed Hitler. But I did hit an assassin who was trying to kill Hitler.
- Hitler: (in 1936) What is this, Kill Hitler Day?
- Grampa: The next time I saw Hitler, we had dinner and laughed about it.
- Homer: Is it our anniversary? No, we don't have one this year.
- Homer: (in a high pitched voice) Oooh, Moe's a poet! He has a soul! fluttering of wings! It's tea time in Buttercup Junction! ti ti ti (falls out the window) Moe's the princess of Lollypop land! (continues falling down) He likes us on Lavender and popery! (in normal pitched voice) Seriously Moe, I think you have a gift.
- Moe: Thanks Homer. I love you, man.
- Homer: (in high pitched voice) oooh, You love a man!