Milhouse: Then, let's just say, I don't care what people think of me anymore.
Bart: You mean, up until now you did care? Then why did you wear that tutu to school last week?
Milhouse: What about all the times I didn't wear a tutu?! Nobody ever brings those up!
Bart: (to Milhouse) Wander away from the group? Man, you been huffin' from the Bart bag?
Lisa: (sprays Bart with the hose) Hahaha! You wet your pants!
Grampa: (appears at the door with wet pants) Shut up, it's a serious problem!
Groundskeeper Willie: It won't last; brothers and sisters are natural enemies. Like Englishmen and Scots, or Welshmen and Scots, or Japanese and Scots, or Scots and other Scots. Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!
Marge: Homie? I'd like to know what you've been doing after work.
Homer: Marge, I'm not gonna lie to you… (pauses then goes back to reading the newspaper)
Lisa: (thinking to herself) Oh, my God! My brother's my best friend!
Bart: (thinking to himself) Oh, my God! My sister's my best friend!
Marge: (thinking to herself) Diamonds! I still can't believe he gave me diamonds!
Homer: (thinking to himself while looking in the mirror) Mirror, mirror on the wall... who's the baldest of them all?
Homer: When a woman says nothing's wrong, that means everything's wrong. And when a woman says everything's wrong, that means everything's wrong. And when a woman says something's not funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off.
Marge: (after receiving the diamond earrings) Now we finally have something to put in the wall safe! (opens up the safe, and pulls out a Twinkie) Huh? A Twinkie?
Homer: I heard if you aged them for 10 years, they turn into liquor!
Homer: (to a bum) Hey, I know you. We met in a police lineup.
Bum: Oh yeah, yeah. You know number 2 and number 4 are an item now.
Homer: You don't have to tell me, I was number 3.
Homer: Coke and Pepsi are the same thing! Wake up, people! (laughs crazily)
Capitol City Kids: (taunting Bart) Springfield baby in a diaper, poked his eye with a windshield wiper.
Lisa: (to Milhouse) I thought your mom took you away forever.
Kirk Van Houten: I got a court order bringing him back. The judge said I was the most pathetic person he'd ever seen in court. Pity custody! Boo-yeah!
Bart: One time, I swung all the way around.
Lisa: You did not.
Bart: Well, I know someone who did.
Bart: You don't know him, he lives in Russia.
(Homer, Lenny and Carl are rolling barrels of nuclear waste)