Lisa: They discovered radium! Then they both died of radiation poisoning.
Mr. Burns: I want you to show this woman the time of her life.
Homer: Gotcha! Marge, we're getting some drive-thru, then we're doing it twice!
Marge: What do I do?
Smithers: Heh, heh, heh. Marge, please! According to your resume, you invented this machine!
[In Las Vegas, Tom Jones has finished a concert when he is met backstage by Smithers]
Smithers: Mr Jones? I was wondering if you could perform at a private party. (opens the first briefcase which is full of cash)
Tom Jones: Sorry mate, I don't do private parties.
Smithers: Then maybe you should look in this briefcase. [opens second briefcase which releases knockout gas which renders Tom Jones unconscious]
Smithers: (laughing) Sweet dreams, Mr. Jones.
Grampa: [to Bart] Good news, boy. I found a pharmacy that carries leeches! Well, it wasn't exactly a pharmacy. More of a bait shop.
Grampa: [while Maggie is trying to get her bottle] Oh, you must be sick. Let's see, what's old Dr. Washburn prescribe? Do you have dropsy? The grippe? Scofula? The vapors? Jungle rot? Dandy fever? Poor man's gout? Housemaid's knee? Climatic poopow? The staggers? Dum-dum fever?
Marge: [to Homer] Maybe you'd get promoted if you worked a little harder.
Homer: Are you kidding? I work like a Japanese beaver.
Marge: Oh, really? I came to see you 3 times today. Twice, you were sleeping and once you were kicking that ball of electrical tape around.
Homer: Well! I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy. I'm going to go right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba… (gets back into bed) Eh, good night.
Homer: Now, Marge, just remember. If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.
Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, to avoid this test, you've had smallpox, the bends, and that unfortunate bout of Tourette's syndrome.
Marge: You can't fire me just because I'm married. I'm gonna sue the pants off you!
Mr. Burns: You don't have to sue me to get my pants off.
Bart: [while taking his makeup test] Ivanhoe is the story of a Russian farmer and his tool. [notices the escaped timberwolf growling at him] Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!
Mrs. Krabappel: I'm afraid you'll have to do better than that. Sorry no sale. You're wasting valuable test time.