- Helen Lovejoy: (to Homer) You are so blind, even Jesus couldn't heal you!
- Reverend Lovejoy: Helen, please. Don't drop the "J" bomb.
- Lisa: (to Homer) Dad, I'm impressed! You've become a much better referee.
- Homer: Thanks, honey. After what you said to me, I watched hours and hours of soccer. I almost saw a goal, but there were so many ads for Spanish Cellphones.
- Marge: And all this time, I thought Googling yourself meant the other thing.
- Marge: (while playing "Earthland Realms") Wow! It's like a Renaissance fair, but without all the chubby couples!
- Homer: (to Marge) Oh. Marge, you gotta get on the net. It's got all the best conspiracy theories. Did you know that Hezbollah owns Little Dolly Snack Cakes? This stuff will rock your world.
- Marge: Fine. I'll log onto Wahoo or Yippy or A-OK or Pooka-dooka, or whatever it's called.
- Bart: (to Marge) Mom, what are doing in my game? How would like it if suddenly I started going shopping with you?
- Marge: I'd like that very much.
- Bart: Arghh!!
- Homer: Yellow card!
- Lisa: You can't give me a yellow card! You're my father.
- Homer: When I put on these shorts, I'm not your father anymore. And judging from how tight they are, I'm never gonna be anyone else's either.
- Lisa: This is what I think of your yellow card! (rips it to pieces)
- Homer: Unsportsmanlike conduct. That's a red card! You're out of the game!
- Lisa: But, but-- (groans in disgust and leaves)
- Marge: (after Bart kills her in the game) How could you kill your own mother?
- Bart: It was just a game--a game I used to enjoy before you "Momm-ed" all over it.
- Homer: (walking in with Lisa) Lisa, sweetie, I was just following the rules!
- Lisa: Great, the one time you actually do something right, you ruin my life! (runs upstairs sobbing)
- Marge: I think I'll go to bed.
- Bart: It's five in the afternoon.
- Marge: Who cares? I'm dead!
- Bart: Mom, I'm gonna give you life the way I imagine you giving life to me: by pressing alt-F5 repeatedly.
- Moe: Why am I paying $14.95 a month for this?
- Lisa: I'm proud of you, mom! You're like Christopher Columbus, You discovered something millions of people knew about before you!
- (Lisa is playing soccer. another girl takes the ball from her and she throws herself to the ground)
- Lisa: Ouch!! She tripped me!! Ooouch! ehh... Ouch! (Homer blows the whstle)
- Homer: Foul on the other girl! Lisa gets a penalty kick, and every other kid has to pay her a dollar.
- Brandine: That is an outrage!! Your daughter's been floppin' all day!
- Homer: She has not! Your daughter is a dirty player!
- Cletus: Sir, I have sired adum-dum, a mush-head, a what's-it, a dog boy, and somethin' with a human face and fish body, what we called Kevin, but my young'uns is not dirty players!!
- Homer: I don't need a soccer lecture from a hillbilly.
- Cletus: That's hill-william to you, sir!
- Ronaldo: How about a lecture from me, Ronaldo.
- Homer: (gasps) Ronaldo!? Winner of two World Cups and three FIFA Player of the Year awards?
- Ronaldo: Yes, I what you said. Now I travel the world exposing floppers, and your daughter is a flopper. Now, Ronaldo away!
- Brandine: You heard Geraldo! What's it gonna be?