- Helen Lovejoy: (to Homer) You are so blind, even Jesus couldn't heal you!
- Reverend Lovejoy: Helen, please. Don't drop the "J" bomb.
- Lisa: (to Homer) Dad, I'm impressed! You've become a much better referee.
- Homer: Thanks, honey. After what you said to me, I watched hours and hours of soccer. I almost saw a goal, but there were so many ads for Spanish Cellphones.
- Marge: And all this time, I thought Googling yourself meant the other thing.
- Marge: (while playing "Earthland Realms") Wow! It's like a Renaissance fair, but without all the chubby couples!
- Homer: (to Marge) Oh. Marge, you gotta get on the net. It's got all the best conspiracy theories. Did you know that Hezbollah owns Little Dolly Snack Cakes? This stuff will rock your world.
- Marge: Fine. I'll log onto Wahoo or Yippy or A-OK or Pooka-dooka, or whatever it's called.
- Bart: (to Marge) Mom, what are doing in my game? How would like it if suddenly I started going shopping with you?
- Marge: I'd like that very much.
- Bart: Arghh!
- Homer: Yellow card!
- Lisa: You can't give me a yellow card! You're my father.
- Homer: When I put on these shorts, I'm not your father anymore. And judging from how tight they are, I'm never gonna be anyone else's either.
- Lisa: This is what I think of your yellow card! (rips it to pieces)
- Homer: Unsportsmanlike conduct. That's a red card! You're out of the game!
- Lisa: But, but-- (groans in disgust and leaves)
- Marge: (after Bart kills her in the game) How could you kill your own mother?
- Bart: It was just a game--a game I used to enjoy before you "Momm-ed" all over it.
- Homer: (walking in with Lisa) Lisa, sweetie, I was just following the rules!
- Lisa: Great, the one time you actually do something right, you ruin my life! (runs upstairs sobbing)
- Marge: I think I'll go to bed.
- Bart: It's five in the afternoon.
- Marge: Who cares? I'm dead!
- Bart : Jumping Johnny cakes, those dames are cheesed.
- Homer: (walking to the living room where Bart is sitting on the coach with his arms crossed and Marge goes upstairs to her room) Son, I'll never understand women if have live to be 40.
- Bart: Mom, I'm gonna give you life the way I imagine you giving life to me: by pressing alt-F5 repeatedly.
- Moe: Why am I paying $14.95 a month for this?
- Melvin Van Horne: Ambrosia!
- Lisa: I'm proud of you, mom! You're like Christopher Columbus, You discovered something millions of people knew about before you!
- (Lisa is playing soccer. another girl takes the ball from her and she throws herself to the ground)
- Lisa: Ouch! She tripped me! Ooouch! ehh... Ouch! (Homer blows the whstle)
- Homer: Foul on the other girl! Lisa gets a penalty kick, and every other kid has to pay her a dollar.
- Brandine: That is an outrage! Your daughter's been floppin' all day!
- Homer: She has not! Your daughter is a dirty player!
- Cletus: Sir, I have sired adum-dum, a mush-head, a what's-it, a dog boy, and somethin' with a human face and fish body, what we called Kevin, but my young'uns is not dirty players!
- Homer: I don't need a soccer lecture from a hillbilly.
- Cletus: That's hill-william to you, sir!
- Ronaldo: How about a lecture from me, Ronaldo.
- Homer: (gasps) Ronaldo!? Winner of two World Cups and three FIFA Player of the Year awards?
- Ronaldo: Yes, I what you said. Now I travel the world exposing floppers, and your daughter is a flopper. Now, Ronaldo away!
- Brandine: You heard Geraldo! What's it gonna be?