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Love is a Many Strangled Thing |
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- Marge: Just because everyone else is doing the wave doesn't mean you have to.
- Homer: No one else is doing it. I'm trying to start it.
- Dr. Zander: Homer, it's time you understood what it feels like to be young, small and terrified.
- Homer: No, Doc, please! I'm just a little boy!
- Kareem Abdul-Jabaar: Why, you little...! (strangles Homer)
- Marge: So whatever you did to my husband, it was too effective.
- Dr. Zander: Mm-hm, yes. One of the most common complaints about therapy.
- (Homer is at the kitchen table with a glass of orange juice. Bart comes in)
- Homer: Hello, boy.
- Bart: Homer.
- Homer: I want you to know I'm cured.
- Bart: Good for you. (notices the orange juice that Homer is drinking) No more drinking?
- Homer: (chuckles) Oh, son. I can't quit drinking anymore than I could quit being a man. (adds vodka to his orange juice and drinks it) Oh, now it feels like morning.
- Homer: Dr. Zander, you made me see my life through Bart's neck, and I swear, I will never, ever strangle my boy again.
- Dr. Zander: I believe we've made excellent progress here today, and after another few years of twice-weekly sessions, we can really-
- Homer: Um, I, uh, lied about having health insurance.
- Dr. Zander: And you're cured.
- Dr. Zander: Uh, Homer, it says here you've been a father for ten years. What has that taught you?
- Homer: Well, for one thing, you're never really ready to be a father. But oh, you know, the other day, Bart, the little dickens, said I had an elephant butt. So anyway, I'm strangling him, and I said to Bart-
- Dr. Zander: Wait. H-Hold on a moment. You were strangling your son?
- Homer: Yeah, strangling. I mean, it's not the only tool in my parenting toolbox, but (chuckles) it's the sharpest. (chuckles some more) Right? Anyway, I said "Bart"-
- Dr. Zander: You're actually serious? You physically lay your hands on your boy's neck?!
- Homer: Well, yeah, I-I guess it's just how I was raised.
- (A flashback occurs, showing a younger Homer with Abe)
- Abe Simpson: Look at these grades! They're a disgrace! No TV for a week!
- Homer: Why you little-!
- (Strangles Abe, and the flashback ends)
- Homer: (having a nightmare) No. No. I'm just a kid! Leave me alone!
- (In his dream, Homer is first seen as a young Michael Jackson, who is with his brothers Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, and Marlon. The five brothers stop dancing when the music stops. Bart, as Joe Jackson, is their manager)
- Joe Jackson: It's "A-B-C, one, two, three!" It's the easiest song in the world! (Michael sobs and runs out)
- (Next, a parody of The Great Santini is seen, with Homer as Ben and Bart as Wilbur Meechum)
- Wilbur Meechum: You think you're better than the "Great Simpsini"?! (hits his son with a basketball) Well, you're not! What are you gonna do, write a book about me?!
- Ben: Ah!
- Wilbur Meechum: You couldn't get in the door of Random House if your name was Bennett Cerf III. (continues hitting his son with the basketball) One, two, three, CRY! One, two, three, CRY! (Ben drinks a water in a glass) How is that water? Wet like your tears?
- (Finally, a parody of Precious is seen, with Homer as Precious and Bart as Mary)
- Mary: Precious, is that you?
- Precious: Yes, mama.
- Mary: You think you're so pretty! Where's my Lotto ticket?!
- Precious: I forgot, mama. (Mary throws a TV at her daughter but misses, and continues to throw TVs as Precious runs down the stairs screaming)
- (As she runs, Precious is holding a chicken leg bucket)
- Mary: And don't you come back without it! (Precious eats while running) You hear me?! Hurry up!
- (Precious runs onto a cruise ship, where a very large TV falls from the sky and misses the ship. A gigantic TV rises out of the water, lifting the ship with it. Mary is seen on the TV screen)
- Mary: (on TV, glaring at Precious) I don't see many more movie roles for a girl like you. Not unless George Lucas needs another Death Star.
- (The dream ends as Homer is tossing and turning in bed, with Marge already up)
- Homer: No! Stop! No Star Wars parodies!