- (Bart is collecting golf balls in at the Springfield Golf Course.)
- Bart: Wow! I'm just twenty balls away from a cellphone!
- Greenskeeper Willie: So it's you! Ye're the one who's been poachin' on me territory!
- Bart: Groundskeeper Willie???
- Greenskeeper Willie: Weekends and summers, I'm Greenskeeper Willie! Yer ball-scavengin' days are over. And those orphaned golf balls belong to me! (snatches away the basket of golf balls) Pimple gold... I'm rich! Now I won't have ta pleasure a country club wife... ta get me steak dinner! (exits)
- (Bart prank calls Hawaii.)
- Hawaiian Bartender: Aloha.
- Bart: Aloha to you. I'm looking for Maya. Last name Normousbutt.
- Hawaiian Bartender: Hang on. I'll check. Uh, has anyone seen Maya Normousbutt?
- (Bar patrons laugh.)
- (Bart's found cell phone rings)
- Bart: Hello? Bart Simpson.
- Denis Leary: This is Denis Leary, you little puke! When I find you, I'm gonna tear your heart out with two fingers! I know how to do it, too. I learned it for my show.
- Bart: Which one? The one that got canceled, or the one that's gonna get canceled?
- Bart: I'm never gonna have a cell phone.
- Lisa: And I'm never gonna go to Machu Pichu. In this family, you get used to disappointment.
- Principal Skinner: I can't believe I'm out of gas. I put in one dollar of gas and I've only driven ninety cents.
- Agnes Skinner: You had to drive with the windows open, didn't you, Rockefeller?
- Bart: Mom, even Milhouse has a cell phone. Your son is lamer than Milhouse! What does that say about you?
- (Bart is at Lisa's tea party)
- Bart: I don't know why I agreed to this.
- Lisa: Because you like the taste of my imaginary tea.
- Bart: Oh, you're right.
- Lisa: (seeing what her parents are up to) Tracking software? (gasps) You're spying on Bart!
- Marge: Honey, keeping track of someone because you love them is not wrong. It shows you care.
- Moe: (Listening to Marge via his own bugging device in the basement) That's right my beautiful, beautiful Midge. (Laughs) Soon, you'll be mine.
- FBI Agent #1: (observing Moe via spy camera) Keep talking, creepo.
- FBI Agent #2: Every word buys you a year in the slammer.
- (Dr. Hibbert gives Bart money after retrieving his golf ball.)
- Bart: A dollar? What for?
- Dr. Hibbert: It's the least I could do. These balls cost five dollars new.
- Bart: So I can get a dollar for every ball I find? Then if a cell phone costs $100, how many balls do I need?
- Dr. Hibbert: (speaking aside to Dr. Riviera, his caddie) This is why my kids go to private school. (Laughs)
- Marge: Bart, how did you get a cell phone?
- Bart: The same way you got me. By accident, on a golf course.
- Marge: Sweetie, we can't afford to get you a cell phone. As it is, I'm buying frozen peas in installments.
- (Bart then calls Australia)
- Australian Bartender: I got a Drew P. Weiner here. Anyone expecting a Drew P. Weiner. I hold in my hand a Drew P. Weiner.
- Australian Patron: Better put it down then, mate.
- (The patrons laugh and the bartender is upset.)
- Bart: Viagra… 5 dollars a pill? Whatever it is, it’s going into Skinner’s coffee.
- Skinner: (after drinking the Viagra-laced coffee) What is in this coffee?