|Lisa the Veterinarian||
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- Homer: Wow, an indoor water park! Hopefully, this will put the final nail in the coffin of lakes and rivers.
- Marge: Well, as a mother, I...
- Bart: We all know you're a mother.
- Marge: As a mother, I like that wherever I look, I can see a lifeguard.
- Ralph: (drowning) I'm finding Nemo! (he disappears underwater and leaves through a pipe) I saw heaven!
- Kent Brockman: For once, a life saved at a Springfield water park, where a quick-thinking second grader performed emergency CPR on a drowning nuisance animal, while dozens of unheroic onlookers just... stood around. Where was Channel 6 news!? Filming gas pumps and their ever-changing prices, which accomplishes what? I don't know. (organizes his papers on the table)
- Director: There's eight minutes left!
- Kent Brockman: Uh... Did we do gas prices?
- Director: Yes!! (Kent organizes the papers again)
- Lisa: And for saving that raccoon, I got the opposite of teasing! I bet the Germans have a word for it, like, uh, Gerstronkenplatzen or something. (chuckles)
- Marge: I wish the Germans had a word for this terrible traffic.
- Lisa: (sad) And so ends the moment being about me.
- Marge: What's going on, Chief?
- Clancy: Uh... nasty car crash. Can't let traffic through until the cleanup crew mops up this mess, which is a problem because they're stuck in traffic behind you. (someone throws a snow ball at Clancy, and he pulls his gun in response) Okay, who did that?!
- Marge: We need to get home! I left my father-in-law on the sofa. He's got to be turned.
- Clancy: Well, that ain't gonna happen. Not unless you clean up this accident scene! (chuckles) Actually, seriously, could you do that?
- Marge: (groans) I don't know... I'm one of those people who doesn't like being traumatized by horrifying sights.
- Clancy: Marge, do you know why I became a cop? If you do, could you tell me? 'Cause it's... it's really dangerous! Bu... But these crime scene cleanups, they're totally safe. All the bad people are dead or, uh... at large. So give it a shot! Please. Please, Mom? (Grabs a bucket and a mop)
- Marge: Oh... all right.
- Dr. Budgie: Hello, little girl. Oh, does your hamster have Tyzzer's disease?
- Lisa: That would've been interesting, but I swabbed him for Tyzzer's and it came up negative.
- Dr. Budgie: My! You certainly know a lot about animals.
- Lisa: That's just it, I do! I saved a raccoon's life the other day. It was the best feeling I've ever had. Is there any way I could work in your office? I mean, as an intern or anything?
- Dr. Budgie: Oh, do you know how many people walk in here every day, looking for just such a thing!?
- Lisa: (sad) A lot, I bet.
- Dr. Budgie: No! It's never happened! Grab a clean smock and follow me.
- Lisa: Oh, Okay!
- Lisa: (searching the smocks) I can't find a clean smock.
- Dr. Budgie: Then your first job is to clean the smocks!
- Lisa: (After cleaning the smocks) I'm ready Dr. Budgie!
- Dr. Budgie: Oh, it's a shame to ruin such a clean smock, but, uh, let's go.
- Lisa: Dr. Budgie, I'm really enjoying cleaning out these cages. No, really! I am! but are there any jobs that are more exciting?
- Dr. Budgie: Absolutely! (grabs a box full of crickets) You can hobble these crickets. We have a hungry chameleon who's slowing down with age, but he still loves the thrill of the hunt!
- Lisa: Hmm... Anything more life or deathy? I could take the animals' temperature. I know what that means, and I am up for it!
- Dr. Budgie: Oh Lisa, slow down. Do you know how many awkward courses I had to take before they let me put my arm inside a horse?
- Lisa: I understand. I just feel like I could be doing more.
- Dr. Budgie: (giggles) you remind me of a certain young man growing up in Stratfordshire-on-Corningwell. He, too, was impatient. Always thinking he could do more.
- Lisa: Was that you!?
- Dr. Budgie: No! If that was me, I would have said, "me"! This eager beaver had to leave veterinary school and become... ugh! a people doctor.
- Lisa: Ooh...
- Clancy: (answers the phone) Springfield P.D. P... D... police department!! Ha! I just got that.
- Marge: Chief, Chief, this is Marge Simpson. I think I'd like to do some of those crime scene cleanups.
- Clancy: Oh! Great, great. Hey, I got a job for you right here. Uh... murder-suicide, or possibly a suicide-murder. Just bring a mop and your imagination.
- Marge: Hey, it can't be worse than what I've seen.
- Marge: Homer, I told you not to eat chili out of the colander!
- Homer: Uh... it's pronounced "calendar".
- Sea Captain: Yarr, is the doctor in, miss? Little Goldie here is listing hard to starboard. I fear he may have tangled with the wrong plastic diver.
- Lisa: Hmm... Could be fin rot.
- Sea Captain: Oh no, not the big F! Arr! (takes off his cap) Do what you must, I'll say my good-byes. (to the fish) You were more wife to me than any woman I ever knew.
- Lisa: Captain, the diagnosis of fin rot is not the death sentence it used to be. A couple drops of medicine in the water, and he'll be fine! (Lisa puts some medicine on the water and the fish gets cured)
- Sea Captain: Yarr, that's amazing! Eh, I've just got one more little problem. (two sailors bring a squid into the office) He, uh... he ate me car keys. Yarr.
- (At Martin's Party)
- Bart: Some zoo! Where are the rental strollers?
- Lisa: Actually, it's not so bad. The animals are healthy! A couple of paddock scrapes, but nothing overly concerning.
- Bart: Oh, knock it off. You're not a vet! You're a glorified cage scrubber!
- Lisa: Dr. Budgie depends upon me! I have felt the cold breath of kennel cough in my face! I have seen tabbies that were more tick than cat! I know why the caged dog scoots! So when your lizard loses its tail, you're gonna need me to tell you it's gonna grow back.
- Ralph: Want some peanuts, Mr. Elephant?
- Groundskeeper: Uh... it's a goat, not an elephant, and those are shrimp, not peanuts, And that goat is allergic to shrimp!!
- Ralph: Your breath smells like "Don't drink that"!
- (Mr. Burns is taking one of the hounds to the veterinary)
- Mr. Burns: I've never seen him like this. He's so listless. (To the dog) Who's lost the urge to kill? Who's lost the urge to kill!?
- Lisa: I'll tell you what's wrong with him: You!
- Mr. Burns: What? Me?!
- Lisa: This dog is badly behind on his shots! He's displaying the symptoms of early onset parvo. I'm confiscating your dog, and you, get out!
- Mr. Burns: Smithers, I've been shamed! Prepare a thimble of ice cream.
- Lisa: Some people don't deserve to own pets.
- Bart: And you get to decide who?
- Lisa: Don't fold your arms at me.
- Bart: Lis, look at yourself. You've become so arrogant, you've forgotten who you are. And even worse, you've forgotten Nibbles! (Takes Nibbles' cage to her, showing the hamster very ill and jittery)
- Lisa: (gasps) Nibbles!! My pet! My responsibility! My homework! (Takes Nibbles out of the cage and starts examining him) Matted hair, dry tongue...
- Dr. Budgie: Is this true, Lisa? Did you let this happen to a creature in your care?
- Lisa: (sad) I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry.
- Dr. Budgie: Pet hamsters need to be played with regularly, or they feel abandoned, and that can lead to stress polyps on the heart. The heart is the seat of love, Lisa. If you'd gone to veterinary school, you'd know that! I've got no choice but to operate, and I need your help!
- Lisa: You still want me to help you after I was so arrogant?
- Dr. Budgie: Lisa, arrogance is what made the British Empire. Then lost it. Then pretended it didn't happen.
- (Homer is trying to bring Marge's feelings back by showing baby videos to her)
- Homer: Okay, Marge, sweetie, look at this one! See Marge? The baby laughs every time the toaster pops! (chuckles) It is pretty hysterical!
- Marge: That's nice.
- Homer: Nice? Something in you is dead, Marge! And that's one crime scene you can't clean up. And all for a fan. A stupid ceiling fan that... Oh, man, that's refreshing! I want my Marge back. (Homer's phone rings) Hello? What is it, boy? Uh-huh. I see... Fine, Marge. You sit here, watch your boob tube, have a beer. That's not how Homer Simpson does things! I have to go help Lisa! (leaves)
- Marge: Lisa? Wait! Wait, I'm coming with you! (leaves with Homer)
- Homer: Well I'll be. Lisa's learning about death helped Marge feel again.
- Dr. Budgie: Yes, a perfect dovetail. (gives a pigeon to Drederick Tatum)
- Drederick: Thank you for curing Walter Pigeon here. I can't afford to pay you, but I can give you front row seats to my magic show. The theme is boxing.
- Dr. Budgie: Sounds marvelous.
- Drederick: Oh yeah, no. Come on, it is.