|Lisa the Skeptic||
- Lisa: You exploited people's deepest beliefs just to sell your cheesy wares! Well we are outraged! (to Chief Wiggum) Aren't we?
- Chief Wiggum: Oh, uh yeah, I guess so, but look at all the stores! A Pottery Barn!
- Lisa: Ugh! Those morons make me so angry!
- Marge: Maybe so, but I'd appreciate it if you didn't call them morons.
- Lisa: But they are morons! What kind of grown person could believe in angels?
- Marge: Well, your mother for one.
- Lisa: You? But you're an intelligent person, Mom.
- Marge: There has to be more to life than just what we see, Lisa. If you can't take a leap of faith every once in a while, well, then I feel sorry for you.
- Lisa: Don't feel sorry for me mom, I feel sorry for you.
- Carl: I say it's the angel of peace, you idiot!
- Lenny: I say it's the angel of mercy, you jerk!
- Homer: Come on, angel!
- Marge: What are you doing with that?
- Homer: I'm locking it up in my safe deposit closet with my other valuables. I'll just leave it in here for a few years and let it appreciate in value.
- Bart: It's probably a million years old, Dad, I think it's as valuable as it's going to get.
- Bart: Dad, why aren't you saying anything? Where's our motorboat?
- Homer: I didn't like it. The mast had termites.
- Lisa: Why would a motor boat have a mast?
- Homer: Because... the thingy was... shut up!
- Lionel Hutz: Fine, we'll see you in court!
- Lisa: Mr. Hutz we won.
- Lionel Hutz: We?
- Chief Wiggum: I mailed these bogus prize certificates to every scofflaw in Springfield. When they show up for their free motor boats we arrest them and beat them to the full extent of the law.
- Eddie: So the hook is baited.
- Lou: Nice metaphor Eddie!
- Chief Wiggum: Yeah, good work, Eddie!
- Lisa: Hey, they can't just build a parking lot on Saber Tooth meadow. That's where they found all them fossils.
- Homer: Fossils Schmossils. You can't stop progress because of some musty old bones. Bones Schmones.
- Lisa: But they might be paving over rare specimens. Pull over so we can complain Dad. Come on, who wants to complain with me? (silence) Fine, I'll come back later. Who wants to come back with me? (silence) Fine.
- Lisa: It could be anything, it could be a mutant from the nuclear plant.
- Mr. Burns: D'oh! Fiddle-faddle, everyone knows our mutants have flippers. Oh! I've said too much. Smithers, use the amnesia ray.
- Smithers: You mean the revolver, sir?
- Mr. Burns: Precisely, be sure to wipe your own memory clear when you've finished.
- Sideshow Mel: I'd like to hear from Lionel Hutz.
- Lionel Hutz: It's an authority legal issue alright, I'll need to refer to the case: "Finders vs. Keepers."
- Ralph: I'm scared, Daddy. Too scared to even wet my pants!
- Chief Wiggum: It's okay, son. Just relax and it'll come.
- Lisa (to Dr. Gould): It's a bone scraping from that skeleton I found.
- Dr. Gould: Oh yeah, that so called angel, the whole thing's poposterous, of course.
- Lisa: Quite preposterous, but no one will believe me until I can prove what it really is! Can't you do a DNA test or something?
- Dr. Gould: Oh certainly, I'll have the results by tomorrow!
- Lisa: Oh, thank you so much. Er... you know... I can't afford to pay you.
- Dr. Gould: I didn't become a scientist for financial gain. What ever little money you have will be just fine.
- Reverend Lovejoy: Well, It appears science has failed again, in front of overwhelming religious evidence.
- Lisa: But..
- Moe: Go home, science girl.
- Lisa: I am home.
- Moe: Good, stay there.
- Kent Brockman: Next on Smartline, the Springfield angel controversy. Our guest tonight, making her 13th appearance on Smartline, Miss Lisa Simpson. Miss Simpson, how can you maintain your skepticism despite the fact that this thing really looks like an angel?
- Lisa: I just think it's a fantasy, if you believe in angels, then why not unicorns, sea-monsters and leprechauns!
- Kent Brockman: D'oh, that's a bunch of baloney, Lisa, everyone knows that leprechauns are extinct!
- Lisa: Look, you can either except science and face to reality or you can believe in angels and live in a childish dream world.
- Moe: Science, what's science ever done for us? TV off. [the TV switches off with his voice signal]
- Flanders: Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends.
- Moe: [after the tusk of a mammoth falls on top of him] Oh, I'm paralyzed, I just hope medical science can cure me!
- Lisa: Oh, I wish I'd never found those stupid bones. It's time to put an end to this. Bart, I'm borrowing your blue crowbar.
- Bart: Good old bluey.
- Marge: Hey, she's going to smash the angel.
- Homer: Somebody stop her!
- Homer: (after the angel skeleton has vanished) Oh, no! This is a disaster! Now what the hell am I gonna do with three thousand angel ashtrays?!
- Bart: I could take up smoking.
- Homer: You'd damn well better.
- Homer: OK, OK, don't panic. Marge, stop panicking!! So we need a replacement skeleton and we need it now! Bart! Strip down to your skeleton!
- Judge Synder: Lisa Simpson, you are charged with destruction of an historic curiosity. A misdemeanor. By the larger sum, this trial will settle the age old question of "Science vs. Religion." Let the opening statements commence.
- Judge Synder: I find the defendant not guilty. As for "Science vs. Religion", I'm issuing a refraining order. Science should stay 500 yards from religion at all times.
- Lenny: (when everyone sees the angel on the hill) Wow, do you think it flew up here?
- Moe: Well, it didn't ride up on no zebra.
- Bart: Where we're going, Mom? Are we going to Black Angus?
- Marge: Well, you might say, we're going to the best steakhouse in the whole universe.
- Bart: So we're not going to Black Angus.
- [As Marge is putting Lisa's bow on her]
- Lisa: Will you leave me alone? It's bad enough you're making me go to your stupid Judgement Day!
- Marge: Please, Lisa, I don't know exactly what's going to happen, but I really wish we could make peace before sunset.
- Lisa: Nothing is going to happen, Mom. I hate to disappoint you, but the world is not coming to an end.
- Lisa: (to Dr. Gould) I don't understand, Professor. Why didn't your tests show that the skeleton was a fake?
- Dr. Gould: I'm going to be honest with you, Lisa. I never did the tests. [walks away]
- Marge: (to Lisa) Well, I guess you were right, honey. But you have to admit that when the angel started to talk you were squeezing my hand pretty hard.
- Lisa: Well, it was just so loud and... thanks for squeezing back.
- Marge: Anytime, my angel.
- Ralph: Prinskipper Skippal! Prinnipple Skipper! I-I found something!
- The teachers and students run by Ralph to see what he found
- Ralph: It's a spearhead!
- Miss Hoover: That's your trowel blade, Ralph. It fell off the handle.
- Ralph: And I found it!