|Lisa the Iconoclast||
- Homer: Town crier I'd like to ask you a few questions. One, where's the fife? And two, gimme the fife.
- Jebediah: [on film] A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.
- Mrs. Krabappel: Embiggens? I never heard that word before I moved to Springfield.
- Ms. Hoover: I don't know why. It's a perfectly cromulent word.
- Skinner: Now, as you all know, Springfield's 200th birthday is only a week away. Every class will do its part to make our local bicentennial just as memorable as our national bicentennial. Of course, you children are too young to remember that, with the possible exception of Kearney.
- Kearney: [shaving] Those tall ships really lifted the nation's spirits after Watergate.
- Lisa: How about town crier? You'd be great at that.
- Homer: You think so?
- Bart: Well, yeah, Dad, you're a big fat loudmouth and you can walk when you have to.
- Homer: You su-diddely-uck, Flanders!… Hear ye, hear ye! Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all! Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world!
- Chief Wiggum: Good God, he is fabulous.
- Skinner: Yes, he's embiggened that role with his cromulent performance.
- The Secret Confession of Jebediah Springfield: Know ye who read this there is more to my life than history records. Firstly, I did not tame the legendary buffalo. It was already tame, I merely shot it. Secondly, I have not always been known as Jebediah Springfield. Until 1796, I was Hans Sprungfeld, murderous pirate, and the half-wits of this town shall never learn the truth! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I write this confession so that my infamy will live on after my body has succumbed to my infectious diphtheria.
- Hollis Hurlbut: Is everything okay? You look a bit flushed.
- Lisa: It's just the excitement from studying Jebediah.
- Hollis Hurlbut: Looks like you've come down with a serious case of Jebeditis.
- Lisa: Just as I was getting over my Chester A. Arthritis.
- Hollis Hurlbut: [laughs] You had arthritis?
- Lisa: [chuckles nervously] No.
- Homer: [ringing bell] Hear ye, hear ye! What's for breakfast!
- Marge: Toast.
- Homer: I don't understand thee, Marge.
- Marge: [sighs] Ye olde toast.
- Homer: Ooh.
- Lisa: Jebediah Springfield was really a vicious pirate named Hans Sprungfeld. His tongue was bitten off by a Turk in a grog house fight.
- Homer: No tongue, eh? How did he talk and eat [melodramatically] and laugh and love?
- Lisa: He had a prosthetic tongue made out of silver.
- Homer: Yes, that'll do.
- Ms. Hoover: Ralph, A. Janey, A. And Lisa, for your, ahem, essay "Jebediah Springfield: Super Fraud", F.
- Lisa: But it's all true.
- Ms. Hoover: [scoffs] This is nothing but dead, white male-bashing from a PC thug. It's women like you that keep the rest of us from landing a husband.
- Hollis Hurlbut: That's preposterous. Now get out! You're banned from this Historical Society. You, and your children, and your children's children!... for 3 months.
- Lisa: I'd like 25 copies on Goldenrod.
- Clerk: Right.
- Lisa: 25 on Canary.
- Clerk: Mmhmm.
- Lisa: 25 on Saffron.
- Clerk: All right.
- Lisa: And 25 on Paella.
- Clerk: Ok, 100 yellow.
- Lisa: Hi, Apu. Can I put these posters up in your window?
- Apu: Well, of course you can, you little pixy. You are just as sweet as the stix which bear your name. [sees the poster] No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Take that down. As a semi-legal immigrant, your poster could land me in a predicament as red-hot as the candies which bear that name.
- Homer: Hear ye, hear ye. My daughter has something to say about Jebediah Springfield.
- Moe: Aw, look. That cutie wants to say something cute. [the barflies murmur] Shut up, you bums, shut up! Go ahead, angel.
- Lisa: Ahem. Jebediah Springfield was nothing more than a evil bloodthirsty pirate who hated this town!
- [barflies and Moe's jaws drop]
- Moe: Good God! Homer, I support, you know, almost any prejudice you can name, but this hero-phobia sickens me. You and your daughter ain't welcome here no more. Barney, show them the exit.
- Barney: There's an exit?!
- Mayor Quimby: You are tampering with forces you cannot understand. We have major corporations sponsoring this event.
- Lisa: I hope you know you're sponsoring a celebration of a murderous pirate.
- Man: A pirate? Well, that's hardly the image we want for Long John Silver's!
- Mayor Quimby: Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?
- (Jebediah Springfield's coffin has just been opened, everybody gasps)
- Chief Wiggum: Jebediah Springfield has been replaced with a skeleton!
- Hollis Hurlbut: No, that's the skeleton of Jebediah.
- Chief Wiggum: Well, that settles it. There is no silver tongue... is there, bonesy? [takes Jebediah's skull and uses it as a dummy] [as skull] Oh, I wish chief. With that kind of dough, I could buy me some eyeballs! [laughs] That's the spirit, bonesy. Why don't you sing a song for the nice people? [as skull] Okay! Camptown ladies sing this song, doo-dah doo-dah, Camptown races five miles long...
- George Washington [in Lisa's dream]: Looks like I'm going to have to find another little girl to be President. What's your friend Janey's number?
- Lisa: No, not Janey! She'll pack the Supreme Court with boys!
- Lisa: [in her sleep]: Oh let me help you, George Washington. I still want to help you.
- Bart: "I want to help you, George Washington"? Pfft, even your dreams are square.
- Ralph: Can you open my milk, Mommy?
- Miss Hoover: I'm not mommy, Ralph. I'm Miss Hoover.
- Ned: Well, hey, it's Homer. Good to see you, neigh-- [Homer pushes him and takes his bell]
- Homer: Get lost! [rings the bell] Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye!
- Helen Lovejoy: He is not the official town crier! Police, do something!
- Chief Wiggum: Well, I'd like to, ma'am, but he's too damn good! Let him march, boys. Let the man march!