|Lisa the Beauty Queen||
- [Groundskeeper Willie attempts to sells Haggis for 50 cents from a concession stand at "The Happiest Place on Earth."]
- Willie: Get yer haggis! Right here! Chopped heart and lungs! Boiled in a wee sheep's stomach! Tastes as good as it sounds! Good for what ails ye! [starts to mutter something, then looks around to see no costumers coming before sighing in disappointment]
- Lisa: I cannot compete in a beauty pageant. I cannot be seen by all those people!
- Marge: Lisa, do you know how your father came up with the entrance fee?
- Lisa: No
- Marge: He gave up his prized Duff Beer blimp ticket.
- Lisa; But that trip meant everything to Dad.
- [Cut to Homer by himself, looking sad and holding a pickle, pretending it is a blimp]
- Homer: [singing to himself] Hey there, Blimpy Boy.
- Lisa: I'll do it.
- Pahusacheta: I am Pahusacheta Nahasapeemapetilon, and tonight I'll be playing "MacArthur Park" on the tabla.
- Audience laughs.
- Pahusacheta: No, I am serious!
- [Her father, Sanjay, and her uncle, Apu are in the audience. They stand and applaud loudly.]
- Apu: Yes! Judges, there's your queen!
- Marge: Who's watching the Kwik-E-Mart?
- Apu: Uh oh!
- [At the Kwik-E-Mart. Apu left it unguarded. Jimbo Jones and his gang are laughing as they wheel out the Squishee machine.]
- (Homer challenges the "Guess Your Age and Weight" booth at the school carnival.)
- Booth Operator: I'd say 53 and 420 pounds.
- Homer: Ha ha, you lose! 36 and 239!
- Homer: You're cute as a bug's ear.
- Lisa: Fathers have to say that stuff!
- Homer: Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?
- Grampa: No, you're homely as a mule's butt!
- Homer: There, see?
- Principal Skinner: But first, our second prize winner and the recipient of this handsome shoe buffer... Ned Flanders.
- Ned: (gasps)
- Homer: Oh it's no fair, we'll never have a buffer!
- Marge: We have one at home, you never use it.
- Homer: Well, I want that one!
- Homer: Moe, have you ever felt unattractive?
- Moe: Mmmm, no.
- Homer: How about you, Barney?
- Barney: Not for a second! [belches]
- Marge: Lisa, I know a song that will cheer you up. [singing] "There once was an ugly duckling"
- Lisa: So you think I'm ugly?!
- Marge: No. No, I meant you were one of the good-looking ducks... that makes fun of the ugly one. Mmmm.
- Homer: Hey, nobody's prettier than my little girl!
- Marge: Mmmmm, you're looking at her through a father's eyes.
- Homer: Well if I could gouge out somebody else's eyes and shove them into my sockets I would; but to me, she's beautiful!!!
- Marge: That is so sweet!
- Beauty Pageant Contestant #1: Didja see Tina Epstein?
- Beauty Pageant Contestant #2: Whoa. If you're gonna binge, you better purge.
- [A girl with curly blonde hair and sunglasses enters. She removes her fur coat and drops it on the floor to be picked up by her mother]
- Beauty Pageant Contestant #2: Amber Dempsey.
- Beauty Pageant Contestant #1: In the same week she was Pork Princess and Little Miss Kosher.
- Lisa: She's beautiful.
- Beauty Pageant Contestant #2: Wait, she's about to bring out the big gums.
- [Amber removes her sunglasses, smiles and bats her eyelashes]
- Beauty Pageant Contestant #1: Eyelash implants.
- Lisa: I thought those were illegal?
- Beauty Pageant Contestant #1: Not in Paraguay.
- Bart: [to Lisa] Later, I'll teach you the tricks of the trade: Taping your swimsuit to your butt, petroleum jelly on your teeth for that frictionless smile, and the ancient art of padding. [purrs]
- Bart: She'll see through me like Grandma's underpants!
- Homer: When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous blood-sucking monsters always want'n more...more... MORE! And if you give it to them, you'll get plenty back in return.
- Homer: Is that Lisa? Oooo, I gotta call heaven. There's an angel missing!
- Bart: And whose your little school friend? Wait a minute... That's Mom!
- Marge: I know two fellas who will get a special dinner tonight!
- (Bart and Homer high five)
- Bart: Dad, do you know anything else about women?
- Homer: Nope, that's it.
- Amber Dempsey: My name is Amber Dempsey. When I grow up I wanna be a sweetie pie. [flutters her eyelashes]
- Lisa: My name is Lisa Simpson, and I want to be Little Miss Springfield so I can make our town a better place.
- Homer: Yeah, clean up this stink-hole!
- Krusty : And now it's time to name our runner-up, who if the winner doesn't fulfill her duties... blah blah blah wazza wazza. And don't say it will never happen. Cause we all remember that thing with What's-her-name, "click click". You know.
- Krusty [singing the "L-I-T-T-L-E M-I-S-S S-P-R-I-N-G-F-I-E-L-D" song]: L the losers in her wake, I the income she will make, T is for her tooth-filled mouth, T is for her tooth-filled mouth...
- Scott Christian: Coming up next, a new fad that's sweeping the nation -- wasting food.
- Marge: [about Amber Dempsey] Oh dear, it'll be a shame if that pretty dress got wet.
- Lisa: I'd say the greater danger is her scepter acting as a lighting rod. Unless it's made out of plastic.
- Bart: [an intense flash of light is shown from the TV] Nope, metal.
- Dave Shutton: Doctor, what is Amber's condition?
- Dr. Hibbert: Oh, she'll be fine. In fact, she already won the Little Miss Intensive Care pageant.
- Lisa: [coyly] Hi, fellas.
- Chuck: Love that chewing gum walk.
- Ralph: Ve-ry Wrigley. [both boys toast their pints of milk]
- Homer: Heyyy thereeee, blimpy boy! Flying through the sky so fancy free!
- Bob Hope: Hi, this is Bob "what the hell am I doing in Springfield?" Hope. How about that Mayor Quimby? He's some golfer. His ball spends more time underwater than Greg Louganis!
- Mayor Quimby: Gentlemen, we need to get Lisa Simpson out and Amber Dempsey back in. But this glorified crossing god of a police chief won't get off his big fat can.
- Chief Wiggum: Is it okay if I open these potato chips?
- Kent Brockman: Lisa Simpson is no longer Little Miss Springfield. She was stripped of her crown in a ceremony earlier today [footage of a goat being bottle fed plays] Well, that's obviously the wrong footage. Uh, but it does seem the father of the deposed beauty queen Homer Simpson filled out the pageant application incorrectly. In the area under "do not write under this space" he wrote "okay".
- Lisa: Do you remember why you entered me in that pageant?
- Homer: I dunno. Was I drunk?
- Lisa: Possibly. But the point is you wanted me to feel better about myself, and I do.
- Homer: Will you remember this the next time I wreck your life?
- Lisa: It's a deal!