Principal Skinner: (over the PA) Attention, this is Principal Skinner, your principal, with a message from the Principal's Office. All students please proceed immediately to an assembly in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium. (to himself) Dammit, I wish we hadn't let the students name that one.
Skinner: Children, the times they are a-becoming quite different. Test scores are at an all-time low, so I've come up with these academic alerts. (holds a stack of cards) You will receive one as soon as your grades start to slip in any subject. This way your parents won't have to wait until report card time to punish you.
Martin: How innovative. I like it!
Kearney: Hey Dolph, take a memo on your Newton: beat up Martin. (Dolph writes "Beat up Martin" which the Newton translates as "Eat up Martha") Bah! (throws Newton at Martin)
Skinner: (Announcing to students in auditorium) Alright, first academic alert. Wiggum, Ralph.
Ralph: I won, I won! (Ralph happily walks up to receive one)
Skinner: No, no, Ralph. This means you're failing English.
Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible!
Principal Skinner: Muntz, Nelson. You're failing History, Geography, and Math, but, er, you're doing quite well in Home Ec...
Nelson: (uncomfortable) Hey, keep it down, man. Ha ha.
Chief Wiggum: We won! We won! Unfortunately, since I bet on the other team, we won't be going out for pizza.
Homer: (Standing up for Lisa in the locker room) I don't want anyone to give her a hard time just because she's different: no jokes, no taunting- (observes Üter) Look, that kid's got bosoms! Who's got a wet towel? (chases Üter, laughing, while whipping a towel at him) Come here, you butterball!
Üter: Don't make me run, I'm full of chocolate!
Homer: Now that we’re all alone, Marge, admit it, you like Lisa best.
Homer: Oh, so you’re a Bart-woman are you!
Homer: Well you can’t possible like Maggie best. What has she ever done? Nothin’ for nobody!
Marge: Lisa, your father and I are very concerned about this warning. I really hope you try harder.
Homer: (finishes signing a stack of alerts for Bart) Whew! That's all of 'em… and I'm so proud you didn't try to forge my name. How about a present, son?
Bart: Well, I could use a new pair of hockey skates.
Homer: Done and done.
Lisa: That's not fair. Why is Bart getting a present and I'm getting chewed out?
Homer: Ah, the mysteries of life.
Bart: Lisa, certain difference, rivalries if you will, have come up between us. At first I thought we could talk it over like civilized people, but instead...I just ripped the head off Mr. Honeybunny!
Lisa: Bart that was your cherished childhood toy.
Bart: (realizes what he did) Aaah! Mr. Honeybunny!
Milhouse: Hey, Bart. If Lisa's better than you at hockey, you think you'll become better than her at school?
Bart: Maybe I will, Milhouse. Maybe I will.
(a montage showing Bart at school trying to answer the questions plays)
Mrs. Krabappel: Who can tell me the capital of Spain? (Bart raises his hand) Bart Simpson. The square root of 36? (Bart raises his hand) Bart Simpson. Who freed the slaves? Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson, will you stop raising your hand? You haven't had one right answer all day.
(After Bart fails to be a scholar due to being a slacker in school and irritating Mrs. Krabappel, Nelson, Jimbo and Kearney are giving trouble to Bart)
Nelson:(beating up Bart) This is for wasting teacher's valuable time!
Lisa:(punches Jimbo, pulls his shirt half over his head) Lay off, guys! He's with me. (Kearney and Nelson back away. Jimbo also backs away partially due to Bart being Lisa's teammate)
Jimbo:(points at Bart) It's a lucky coincidence you happen to be your sister's brother.
Lisa: Don't worry, Bart, they won't bother you any more. (everyone points and laughs)
Skinner: I hardly ever let Mother fight for me any more! (laughs)
Milhouse: Sorry, Bart, I'm going to hang out with Lisa...for protection... and to be seen!
Homer: Okay, little buddy, hop in! (Bart steps forward) Ah bah! I mean my little girl buddy.
Lisa: That's very nice, Dad, but it's wrong for you to reward violent, competitive behavior. However, I will sit up front with you if it's a fatherly gesture of love.
Homer: Okay, hon. (Lisa gets into the car) Sucker! Competitive violence! That's why you're here!
Lisa: Milhouse, knock him down if he's in your way! Jimbo, Jimbo, go for the face! Ralph Wiggum lost his shin guard! Hack the bone! Hack the bone.
Gym Teacher: Tell you what, Simpson: I won't fail you if you join one of those peewee teams outside the school.
Lisa: You mean those leagues where parents push their kids into vicious competition to compensate for their own failed dreams of glory?
Gym Teacher: Look, I don't need this. I inhaled my favorite whistle this morning!
Homer: OK son, just remember to have fun out there today. And if you lose, I'll kill you!
Bart: Oh, Dad... (Homer looks menacingly at Bart, making he cringe)
Milhouse: Hey! Way to knock out my teeth!
Apu: Yeah, that's it, Milhouse, keep up the chatter.
Marge: (Covering her eyes) I can't even watch. I don't know how you two can sit here laughing at poor Lisa while she's out there probably scared to death.
Homer: We're laughing with her, Marge. There's a big difference.
(Lisa screams. Homer and Bart start laughing again and pointing at her.)
Homer: (To Marge, quickly) With her.
Apu: We're having our best season ever. And I would like to say that it is because of teamwork...gee, who am I kidding, huh? It's all because of Lisa.
Bart: Come watch TV with me, Dad. We missed the first two episodes of "Cops", but if we hurry we can catch the last three.
Homer: Aw, sorry Bart, Lisa and I are going out for a gelato. We'd ask you to come, but...you know.
Marge: Stop it, stop it, stop it! (Flicks light on and off.)
Bart: Mom, that is really annoying.
Lisa: Bart started it!
Bart: Uh uh, Lisa started it!
Marge: I don't care who started it. I don't ever want to see you two fighting like that ever again. We love you both: you're not in competition with each other! Repeat: you are not in competition with each other!
Homer: Hey! Apu just called. This Friday, Lisa's team is playing Bart's team. You're in direct competition. And don't go easy on each other just because you're brother and sister. I want to see you both fighting for your parents' love! (Flicks light on and off.) Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! (In the darkened room, Marge clearly shows her displeasure with Homer for enticing the rivalry after she's trying to keep the peace.)
Chief Wiggum: (at the Springfield prison) All right, I'm going to make a little deal with you mugs. I'm going to let you all out to see my team play the hockey game if you promise to return to your cells!
Snake: Sorry, pig. We can't make that promise.
Wiggum: All right... all right, I'll sweeten the deal. You can see the game, you don't have to come back, but you have to promise not to commit any more crimes, OK?
Wiggum: I'll take that as a yes. (turns the key, lets the prisoners out)
Homer: (eating) Pass ketchup. (Bart winds up, slaps it with his knife)
Lisa: (catches it) You'll have to do better than that tonight, chump. (Bart hits the relish towards her and she ducks)
Homer: (catches it) I asked for ketchup, I'm eating salad here!
Marge: I won't have any aggressive condiment passing in this house!
(At the hockey game)
Bart: Good luck tonight, sis. I'll try not to hurt you.
Lisa: Don't worry, I'm wearing my lucky rabbit's head. (pulls out a rabbit's head on a pendant)
Bart: (gasps) Mr. Honeybunny! You inhuman monster.
Lisa: You want a piece of me? (they start slugging each other, but Apu pulls them apart)
Apu: Hey. Hey! Stop it, stop it! Conserve your precious hatred for the game!
Announcer: And now, to honor America, here's Krusty the Klown.
Krusty: (singing the American Anthem) Oh say, can you see..La la la, da da light, what so proudly we... ya la la yah...oh... I shouldn't have turned down those cue cards.
Marge: (after Jimbo trips Bart) He tripped my boy! I demand vengeance! I want vengeance!
Homer: Oh my God, Marge. A penalty shot with only four seconds left. It's your child versus mine! The winner will be showered with praise; the loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore!
Bart's team crowd: Kill, Bart! Kill, Bart! Kill, Bart!
Lisa's team crowd: Kill Bart! Kill Bart! Kill Bart!
Bart: Great game, Lis.
Lisa: Great game, Bart.
Snake: Those kids are, like, so sweet. (sobs) If only they had peewee hockey when I was a lad. (sniffs) Oh well. (grabs a crowbar and rips seats apart)
(People have great big fights/a great big fight by beating each other up while punch sounds from Annie (1982) are heard.)