- Groundskeeper Willie: (While hearing Lisa's bad saxophone playing) Sounds like the gopher I caught in me lawnmower.
- Marge: Homie, how long do you plan to do this?
- Homer: I don't know. How long do horses live?
- Marge: Thirty years.
- Homer: D'oh.
- (Homer quits his job at the Kwik-E-Mart)
- Apu: He slept, he stole, he was rude to the customers. Still, there goes the best damned employee a convenience store ever had.
- Homer: I work from midnight to eight, come home, sleep for five minutes, eat breakfast, sleep six more minutes, shower, then I have ten minutes to bask in Lisa's love, then I'm off to the power plant, fresh as a daisy.
- Apu: Now, these hot dogs have been here for three years. They are strictly ornamental. There is only one bozo who comes in and buys them.
- Homer: But I eat...oh.
- Marge: We're just going to have to cut down on luxuries.
- Homer: Well, you know, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases she doesn't even have!
- Homer: I'll buy her that pony she's always bugging me for.
- Marge: We can't afford to buy a pony.
- Homer: Marge, with today's gasoline prices, we can't afford not to buy a pony.
- Lisa: (on the phone with Homer) Dad, I broke my last saxophone reed, and I need you to get me a new one.
- Homer: Uh, isn't this the kind of thing your mother's better at?
- Lisa: I called her; she's not home. I also tried Mr. Flanders, Aunt Patty, Aunt Selma, Dr. Hibbert, Reverend Lovejoy, and that nice man who caught the snake in our basement.
- Principal Skinner: Well, you're in for a whale of a show tonight. Uh, I'd like to point out that the doors are now locked, so you parents can't sneak out of the show after your own child as performed. Oh, and let me caution the people in the first 5 rows, you will get wet.
- Jerry: (to Homer) What's the matter, buddy?
- Homer: The moron next door closed early!
- Jerry: I happen to be that moron.
- Homer: Oh. Me and my trenchant mouth!
- Jerry: Clarinet?
- Homer: No.
- Jerry: Oboe?
- Homer: No.
- Jerry: Saxophone?
- Homer: No. Wait a minute, what was that last one again?
- Jerry: Saxophone!
- Homer: (recalls to himself) Lisa, stop playing that stupid... saxophone! Yes, that's it!
- Jerry: Alto or tenor?
- Homer: D'oh!
- Marge: Homey, you've got to stop looking for the quick fix. If you keep spending time with Lisa, she'll forgive you.
- Homer: Marge, if I spend any more time doing these girl things, I'm going to, you know, go fruity. No, you were right the first time with that quick fix idea.
- Marge: (to Homer) You sound like you're going to buy a pony. Promise me you won't.
- Homer: Mm.
- Marge: What was that? Was that a yes or a no?
- Homer: Buh!
- Marge: Those aren't even words!
- Homer: Snuh!
- Homer: I will take that one.
- Homer cuts a check
- Millicent: A check postdated for A.D. 2050? Mr. Simpson, our prices start at five thousand dollars. Cash.
- Homer: Isn't there a pound where you can pick up cheap ponies that ran away from home?
- Bart: Hey, how come Lisa gets a pony?
- Homer: Because she stopped loving me.
- Bart: I don't love you either, so give me a moped.
- Homer: Well, I know you love me, so you don't get squat. (laughs)
- Marge: Homer, just where were you planning to keep this horse?
- Homer: I got it all figured out. By day, it'll roam free around the neighborhood, and at night, it'll nestle snugly between the cars in our garage.
- Lisa: Dad, no!
- Marge: That's illegal!
- Homer: That's for the courts to decide!
- Homer: (to Marge) First you didn't want me to get the pony, now you want me to take it back! Make up your mind!
- Lisa: All the years I've lobbied to be treated like an adult have blown up in my face.
- Homer: Mr. Burns! You do this personally?
- Mr. Burns: Oh, it's a hobby! I'm not in this for any personal gain, heavens no. By the way, are you acquainted with our state's stringent usury laws?
- Homer: "U..sury?"
- Mr. Burns: Oh, silly me. I must have just made up a word that doesn't exist.