|Lisa's First Word||
- (seeing Homer and Marge having sex)
- Baby Bart: Ay, caramba!
- Baby Lisa: Bart!
- Toddler Bart: What did you say?
- Baby Lisa: Bart?
- Bart: Suffering succotash! You can talk! [runs downstairs] Mom! Dad! She can talk! Say it again, Lisa.
- Baby Lisa: Bart! Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart.
- Bart: I'm her first word!
- Marge: Well, I'm not surprised. Lisa's crazy about you. She thinks you hung the moon.
- Bart: Wow! [to Lisa] Lisa. Can you say 'Mommy'?
- Baby Lisa: Mommy.
- Bart: Can you say 'David Hasslehoff'?
- Baby Lisa: Dabid Hasslehoff. [giggles]
- Homer: Can you say 'Daddy'?
- Baby Lisa: Homer.
- Homer: No, sweetie. 'Daddy'.
- Baby Lisa: [pause] Homer.
- Homer: D'oh!
- [While Bart and Lisa argue, Homer puts Maggie to bed.]
- Homer: You know, Maggie. The sooner kids learn to talk, the sooner they talk back. [puts Maggie in her crib] I hope you never say a word.
- [Homer leaves the room, closing the door behind him. Maggie takes her pacifier out of her mouth.]
- Maggie: Daddy.
- Marge: Maggie, can you say ba-ba? Can you say mama?
- Bart: Can you say get bent?
- Marge: Bart!
- Bart: Mister Rogers says it all the time!
- Marge: No, he doesn't.
- Bart: Yes, he does.
- Homer: Maggie, can you say daddy? Daddy?
- Marge: Kitty. Kitty.
- Lisa: Be-bop. Be-bop.
- Bart: Shove it. Shove it.
- Marge: According to Fretful Mother Magazine, if Maggie doesn't talk at age 1, we should consider a corrective tongue extender.
- Bart: Homer!
- Homer: Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh. Homer's what grownups call me. Call me daddy.
- Bart: Homer.
- Homer: Daddy.
- Bart: Homer.
- Homer: [becoming increasingly irate] Daddy.
- Bart: Da...da...da...
- Homer: Yes?
- Bart: D'omer! Hah, hah, hah...
- Homer: Why, you little...! [chokes Bart]
- When Homer, Marge and Bart move into their new home
- Bart: Hey, Homer, this house sucks!
- Homer: Bart, I thought I told you not to use that word! Call me Daddy.
- Bart: Homer! (blows raspberry at him)
- Homer: Bart! (begins strangling him)
- Marge: [telling Bart a bedtime story] Then the prince and the princess...[yawn] got married and lived happily ever after.
- Bart: Then what happened?
- Marge: Uh...they had 30 sons and thirty daughters.
- Bart: What were their names?
- Marge: Hmm...Dennis...Brad...Mavis...Brad...[falls asleep]
- Homer: Got your nose! Heh heh heh.
- Bart: Got your wallet! [flushes it down toilet]
- Marge: There's going to be twice as much love in this house as there is now!
- Homer: We're going to start doing it in the morning?
- Marge: I'm afraid we're going to need a bigger house.
- Homer: No, we won't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's crib and Bart'll sleep with us until he's 21.
- Marge: Won't that warp him?
- Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
- Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank.
- Homer: He became Francine back in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.
- Selma: Hey Bart, want a dollar? Uh uh uh, you know what I wanna hear.
- Bart [singing]: I'm a little teapot short and stout, this is my handle this is my spout. The incy wincy spider went up the water spout...
- Selma: Oh yeah! Love that spout medley.
- Homer: Once we get the cats out of the way, it won't be too bad.
- Real Estate Agent: Actually, according to the will, the cats own the house. You'd be their tenants!
- Lisa: I wish we lived in the kitty house.
- Bart: I could've trained them to be my unholy army of the night. Go, my pretties! Kill! Kill!
- Real Estate Agent: Here we have beautiful hard wood floor, track lighting.
- Marge: What's that stench?
- [Marge opens up window to see a factory]
- Sign: Rendering Plant
- Real Estate Agent: Once you get used to the smell of melted hog fat, you'll wonder how you ever did without it
- Homer: Mmmm...hog fat.
- Marge: Let's keep looking.
- [Cut to factory]
- Factory worker: Ooh, do you smell that?
- [Homer goes to the rendering plant to see the hog fat]
- Homer: Dad, I have a problem.
- Grampa: Why did you come to me? I really don't know nothin'. I used to get by on my looks. Now they're gone... withered away like an old piece of fruit. (sobs)
- Homer: Are you done?
- Grampa: No, not yet! I was voted the handsomest boy in Albany, New York!
- Homer: Dad, I don't need advice! I want $15,000 to buy a home!
- Grampa: Oh, well. All I own is this house, that I built with my own two hands!
- Homer: You didn't build this house! You won it on a crooked 50's game show!
- Grampa: I ratted on everybody and got off scot-free!
- Grampa: All right, son, I'll sell this dump and write you a check.
- Homer: Dad, first you gave me life, now you've given me a home for my family, I'd be honored if you came to live with us.
- Grampa: Thank you!
- Bart: [in the present] So how long before you shipped Grampa off to the old-folks home?
- Homer: About three weeks.
- [everyone laughs]
- Lisa: When do we get to my first word?
- Homer: Your what?
- Lisa: My first word!
- Homer: Nah, you don't want to hear that story. I know. I'll tell you about the time I got locked in the bank vault with Mr. Mooney. It was another one of my harebrained schemes.
- Lisa: Dad!
- Homer: Wait a minute. That was "The Lucy Show."
- Homer: Okay, where were we?
- Bart: Mom was preggers and Dad threw all our money down a sink hole.
- Ned: If you need anything just give a whistle.
- Homer: I could use a Television tray.
- Ned: Well, gee...
- Homer: What?
- Ned: Uh, I just this minute bought it at the hardware...
- Homer: You said "anything".
- Ned: Heh, sure, you can borrow it for...a little while.
- Homer: [in the present] And that little while is now 8 years and counting. Heh, heh, heh.
- Bart [during his "terrible two's" phase; he's banging pans and chanting while Marge is resting in her bedroom with a washcloth on her forehead]: I am so great! I am so great! Everyone loves me, I am so great!
- Marge: Honey, honey, honey, honey, honey. Will you please be quiet?
- Bart: Quiet! Biet! Fiet! Ziet! Diet!
- Marge: Bart, get out!
- Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
- Bart: Krusty funny!
- Homer: Duh.
- Bart: I can't sleep, the clown'll eat me.
- Marge: Homer, I think the baby is coming.
- Homer: Wow. A baby and a free burger. Could this be the best day of my life?
- TV Announcer: Next up, an hour-long episode of "Mama's Family."
- Homer: Yes!
- Ned: We'll take very good care of your boy, Simpson. Enjoy the miracle of creation!
- Homer: Shut up, Flanders.
- Ned: Supper time, boys!
- Todd: Oh boy: liver!
- Rod: Iron helps us play.
- Marge [about Bart after Lisa's born]: According to this magazine, Bart might be jealous of her.
- Homer: Well, Bart can kiss my hairy yellow butt.
- Marge: I saved this newspaper from the day Lisa was born.
- Lisa: "Mondale to Hart: Where's the beef?"
- Bart: "Where's the beef?" What the hell that's supposed to mean?
- Homer: [laughs] "Where's the beef"...No wonder he won Minnesota.
- Selma: The older they get, the cuter they ain't.
- Dr. Hibbert: [at Lisa's checkup] [laughs] She has the relexes of a young Mary Lou Retton. Have a wowwipop. [gives Lisa one]
- Bart: Can I have a lollipop?
- Dr. Hibbert: Oh Bart, I'm afraid that was the last one. But I've got something even better for you: a rubella inoculation! [holds up a giant needle]
- Bart: I wanna hold the baby. I wanna hold the baby.
- Marge: I'm sorry, Bart, you're too little.
- Homer: Here, Bart, you can hold my beer. [puts it on his head]
- Krusty: YOU PEOPLE ARE PIGS! (sobs angrily) I am personally gonna spit in every fiftieth burger!
- Homer: Ooh, I like those odds!
- Evil Clown Bed: If you should die before you wake... (evil maniacal laugh)