|Kiss Kiss Bang Bangalore||
- Homer: [he steps off the plane and sees where he is] This isn't India! Where's the University of Notre Dame, the Indy 500, Wrigley Field, Dodger Dogs?
- Indian Woman: You ignorant American! You have confused India with Indiana, Indiana with Illinois, and the Cubs with the Dodgers!
- Homer: Oh, no! I took a job on the other side of the world?! [groans as the camera pulls to a satellite's view of India] Oh, I hate this subcontinent!
- Richard Dean Anderson: (after being kidnapped) You won't get away with this! People will know I'm missing! There's a liquor store I go to every morning!
- Selma: [forcing Richard Dean Anderson to write an autograph on her breasts] You can write "help me" all you want! No one will ever see it! [sinister laugh]
- Lenny: [sitting in the back row of the plant's auditorium] I'm not sitting up front with you guys. It's bad for your eyes. [he laughs] Suckers! [camera pulls out, revealing a vat of nuclear waste behind Lenny, which glows through his skeleton]
- Homer: [sweetly] Thanks, sweetie. I've never been less angry to receive a book.
- Marge: [touched] Aw.
- Homer: All right, book, I didn't read you and you didn't read me. So say something smart or get ready to run like hell.
- Homer: [contemplating a mosaic of Hindu gods] Let's see, got (looks at Ganesha) the Elephant Man, (looks at Shiva) Johnny Six Arms, (looks at one of Vishnu's avatars) Papa Smurf... Hey, these guys are pretty cool. Maybe I am one of them. If only I had some kind of proof. [Opens soda bottle, then looks at cap and gasps] I won a free soda! I AM A GOD!
- Richard Dean Anderson: (finding Selma's XXXL bra during an escape) A-bra, Kada-bra!
- Lenny: (arriving in India) What's going on? We've flown all the way out here cause Homer sent us this crazy card.
- (shows card. On the cover, it says "Come celebrate my promotion..." On the next page, it says "...to GOD!" The camera then shows a hand-written note at the corner of the page saying "My cell phone number will stay the same. -Homer")
- Guard: (points to two doors) Behind one of these doors is Homer Simpson. The other one, a Bengal tiger. Choose wisely.
- (Lenny opens one door, which has a tiger; he closes the door. Carl opens the other door, which has a tiger; he closes the door)
- Lenny: Both doors have tigers!
- Guard: One of those tigers is named "Homer Simpson".
- Lenny: Ya know Moe, that sign is powered by non-American workers.
- Moe: So what? Your beer's German and the TV's Japanese.
- Carl: Well, is there anything in this bar that's made in America?
- Moe: (draws his shotgun) Just this! (cocks the gun, but it backfires and powder shoots in his face) Oh God! Misfire!
- Selma: MacGyver's lives and not just at 2:00 am on the USA Network!
- Richard Dean Anderson: That show was just a paycheck to me, and nothing more.
- Patty: Richard Dean Anderson just pissed off the wrong Richard Dean Anderson fans!
- Mr. Burns: Before we begin the movie, I would like to hold a moment of silence for the workers who gave their lives in an heroic...
- Homer: Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie!
- Richard Dean Anderson: Did somebody mention my names?
- Richard Dean Anderson: Tie me up so I can do it again. But this time, don't make it so easy!
- Patty: Oh. Delighted. (hits Richard Dean Anderson's head with a hammer; he gets stunned) Too much?
- Selma: Not for MacGyver! (hits him with the hammer again; he falls unconscious)
- Comic Book Guy: Richard Dean Anderson, of the four Star franchises: Wars, Trek, Gate, and Search, Gate is easily my third favorite.
- Richard Dean Anderson: I get that a lot.
- Comic Book Guy: (when the lights at the Stargate Convention go out) What in the name of Steve Ditko?!
- Comic Book Guy: (after Richard is kidnapped) He's gone!
- Doug: There must be a Stargate in this room!
- Benjamin: Let us find it!
- Comic Book Guy: Wait! I have some even more exciting news! There is a girl in this audience!
- Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Everybody look for her!
- (the nerds close in on Willie)
- Willie: This is a kilt! And I'm not a girl!
- Squeaky-Voiced Teen: You're the closest we'll ever get! Get her!
- (they jump on Willie)
- Richard Dean Anderson: (dressed as MacGyver) Hey, ladies! Guess who made MacGyver burgers? MacGyver!
- Selma: But we didn't have any ground beef.
- Richard Dean Anderson: Yeah. But you did have Slim Jims, a cheese grater, and rubber bands to hold it all together!
- (close-up of the burger; the rubber bands can still be seen)
- Bart: So, Mr. Burns, you're saying my dad has gone insane, thinks he's a god, and has cut off all touch with the outside world?
- Smithers: Sir, I told you Simpson would be a bad choice to run the plant.
- Mr. Burns: You know, Smithers, "I told you so" has a brother. His name is, "Shut the hell up"!
- Marge: You are not a god!
- Homer: I am a god! I know all!
- Lisa: Oh, yeah? When's mom's birthday?
- Homer: It's... uh... Jan... Feb... Mar...
- Marge: It's May!
- Homer: May! Fir... second... thir... (Marge rolls her eyes)
- (at the DMV, Richard Dean Anderson cuts the line just to talk to Patty and Selma)
- Richard Dean Anderson: I've come up with another escape. I want you to tie me up and lock me in the trunk of your car, under the pier at low tide. All I need are these everyday objects — a toothpick, some liquor, a gun with no bullets, bullets, and three of my MacGyver writers.
- Selma: Okay. Maybe we can do it during lunch.
- Richard Dean Anderson: (stamps his foot childishly) Now!
- (Patty and Selma exchange worried glances)
- Richard Dean Anderson: (as he's being kidnapped) Watch the face! I need that for acting!
- Homer: (reading the book) In business, as in breakfast, fried eggs have fragile yolks.
- Worker 1: (subtitled from Hindi) What's he talking about?
- Female Worker: (subtitled from Hindi) Fried eggs? I have a degree in physics from MIT!
- Worker 2: (subtitled from Hindi) Maybe if we cheer, he'll let us go back to work! (they do so)
- (Burns, Smithers, and the Simpsons arrive at the Indian power plant, with the workers chanting 'mylar balloons')
- Marge: Should we take our stuff or are we coming back on the same boat?
- Burns: Same boat, but take it anyway. I'm renting the boat to a Dixieland booze cruise.
- (they disembark as an Indian Dixie Land band gets on the boat)
- Burns: The man's a genius! We don't need to be here to help him.
- Homer: You mean you're giving me absolute power?
- Smithers: Sir, doesn't that corrupt?
- Burns: Absolutely...not!
- Richard Dean Anderson: MacGyver, AWAY!
- Homer: Well, I'm just glad I'm not a god anymore. I want to go home. How's Chief Wiggum?
- Marge: He was gravely wounded in a bank shootout.
- Homer: Yeah, he's funny.
- Homer: I was playing Carnac with my bodyguard...
- (Homer removes the turban from his Sikh bodyguard, and places it on his own head. He then places an envelope to his head)
- Homer: (in Johnny Carson voice) Hin...du
- (Homer rips open the envelope, blows into it, removes the card inside and reads...)
- Homer: (in Johnny Carson voice) The moisture that collects on my Hin!