Homer: [he steps off the plane and sees where he is]This isn't India! Where's the University of Notre Dame, the Indy 500, Wrigley Field, Dodger Dogs?!
Indian Woman: You ignorant American! You have confused India with Indiana, Indiana with Illinois, and the Cubs with the Dodgers!
Homer: Oh, no! I took a job on the other side of the world?! [groans as the camera pulls to a satellite's view of India] Oh, I hate this subcontinent!
Richard Dean Anderson: (after being kidnapped) You won't get away with this! People will know I'm missing! There's a liquor store I go to every morning!
Selma: [forcing Richard Dean Anderson to write an autograph on her breasts] You can write "help me" all you want! No one will ever see it! [sinister laugh]
Lenny: [sitting in the back row of the plant's auditorium] I'm not sitting up front with you guys. It's bad for your eyes. [he laughs] Suckers! [camera pulls out, revealing a vat of nuclear waste behind Lenny, which glows through his skeleton]
Homer: [sweetly] Thanks, sweetie. I've never been less angry to receive a book.
Marge: [touched] Aw.
Homer: All right, book, I didn't read you and you didn't read me. So say something smart or get ready to run like hell.
Homer: [contemplating a mosaic of Hindu gods] Let's see, got (looks at Ganesha) the Elephant Man, (looks at Shiva) Johnny Six Arms, (looks at one of Vishnu's avatars) Papa Smurf... Hey, these guys are pretty cool. Maybe I am one of them. If only I had some kind of proof. [Opens soda bottle, then looks at cap and gasps] I won a free soda! I AM A GOD!
Richard Dean Anderson: (finding Selma's XXXL bra during an escape) A-bra, Kada-bra!
Lenny: (arriving in India) What's going on? We flown all the way out here cause Homer sent us this crazy card.
(shows card. On the cover, it says "Come celebrate my promotion..." On the next page, it says "...to GOD!" The camera then shows a hand-written note at the corner of the page saying "My cell phone number will stay the same. -Homer")
Guard: (points to two doors) Behind one of these doors is Homer Simpson. The other one, a Bengal tiger. Choose wisely.
(Lenny opens one door, which has a tiger; he closes the door. Carl opens the other door, which has a tiger; he closes the door)
Lenny: Both doors have tigers!
Guard: One of those tigers is named "Homer Simpson".
Lenny: Ya know Moe, that sign is powered by non-American workers.
Moe: So what? Your beer's German and the TV's Japanese.
Carl: Well, is there anything in this bar that's made in America?
Moe: (angrily gets out shotgun) Just this! (cocks the gun, but the back explodes in his face) Oh God! Misfire!
Selma: MacGyver's lives and not just at 2:00 am on the USA Network!
Squeaky-Voiced Teen: You're the closest we'll ever get! Get her!
(they jump on Willie)
Richard Dean Anderson: (dressed as MacGyver) Hey, ladies! Guess who made MacGyver burgers? MacGyver!
Selma: But we didn't have any ground beef.
Richard Dean Anderson: Yeah. But you did have Slim Jims, a cheese grater, and rubber bands to hold it all together!
(close-up to the burger; the rubber bands can still be seen)
Bart: So, Mr. Burns, you're saying my dad has gone insane, thinks he's a god, and has cut off all touch with the outside world?
Smithers: Sir, I told you Simpson would be a bad choice to run the plant.
Mr. Burns: You know, Smithers, "I told you so" has a brother. His name is, "Shut the hell up"!
Marge: You are not a god!
Homer: I am a god! I know all!
Lisa: Oh, yeah? When's mom's birthday?
Homer: It's... uh... Jan... Feb... Mar...
Marge: It's May!
Homer: May! Fir... second... thir... (Marge rolls her eyes)
(at the DMV, Richard Dean Anderson cuts the line just to talk to Patty and Selma)
Richard Dean Anderson: I've come up with another escape. I want you to tie me up and lock me in the trunk of your car, under the pier at low tide. All I need are these everyday objects — a toothpick, some liquor, a gun with no bullets, bullets, and three of my MacGyver writers.
Selma: Okay. Maybe we can do it during lunch.
Richard Dean Anderson: (stamps his foot childishly) Now!
(Patty and Selma exchange worried glances)
Richard Dean Anderson: (as he's being kidnapped) Watch the face! I need that for acting!
Homer: (reading the book) In business, as in breakfast, fried eggs have fragile yolks.
Worker 1: (subtitled from Hindi) What's he talking about?
Female Worker: (subtitled from Hindi) Fried eggs? I have a degree in physics from MIT!
Worker 2: (subtitled from Hindi) Maybe if we cheer, he'll let us go back to work! (they do so)
(Burns, Smithers, and the Simpsons arrive at the Indian power plant, with the workers chanting 'mylar balloons')
Marge: Should we take our stuff or are we coming back on the same boat?
Burns: Same boat, but take it anyway. I'm renting the boat to a Dixieland booze cruise.
(they disembark as an Indian Dixie Land band gets on the boat)
Burns: The man's a genius! We don't need to be here to help him.
Homer: You mean you're giving me absolute power!?
Smithers: Sir, doesn't that corrupt?
Richard Dean Anderson: MacGyver, AWAY!
Homer: Well, I'm just glad I'm not a god anymore. I wanna go home. How's Chief Wiggum?
Marge: He was gravely wounded in a bank shootout.
Homer: Yeah, he's funny.
Homer: I was playing Carnac with my bodyguard...
(Homer removes the turban from his Sikh bodyguard, and places it on his own head. He then places an envelope to his head)
Homer: (in Johnny Carson voice) Hin...du
(Homer rips open the envelope, blows into it, removes the card inside and reads...)
Homer: (in Johnny Carson voice) The moisture that collects on my Hin!