Mr. Burns: "Raise your left hock. Aerate! Raise your right hock. Aerate! Come on, people. I want to see more Theodore Roosevelts and less Franklin Roosevelts!"
Homer: "I'm purposely gaining 61 pounds to get on disability!"
Marge: "Are you out of your mind? Have you thought about your health? Or your appearance?"
Homer: "So that's it, isn't it, Marge? Looks. I never knew you were so shallow."
Marge: "Oh, please. I would love you if you weighed 1000 pounds, but --"
Homer: "Beautiful! Goodnight!"
Lisa: "Dad, what are you doing down there?"
Homer: "Washing my fat guy hat, honey."
Outside the Simpson residence
Jimbo: "I heard that guy's ass has it own Congressman!"
Jimbo and Dolph high-five each other over the crack.
Lisa: "Hey, leave my dad alone. Just because he's overweight doesn't mean he's bad: he's a sweet man and he has real feelings."
Homer: (inside) "Hey, what are you kids looking at?"
Milhouse: "Hey, look he's trying to get up and yell at us!"
Homer: "Don't make me close that shade!"
Homer pokes window with the broom, then loses interest
Homer: "Well, give me a Y, give me a…Hey! All I have to type is Y. (to Marge) "Hey, Miss Doesn't-find-me-attractive-sexually-anymore, I just tripled my productivity!"
Marge: "Good. Good for you."
Lisa: "Ew! Mom, this whole thing is really creepy. Are you sure you won't talk to Dad?"
Marge: "Mmm, I'd like to, honey, but I'm not sure how. Your father can be surprisingly sensitive. Remember when I giggled at his Sherlock Holmes hat? He sulked for a week and then closed his detective agency."
Lisa: "Mom, were you ever planning to step in and put a stop to this?"
Marge: "Normally your father's crackpot schemes fizzle out as soon as he finds something good on TV. But this season…" (shudders)
Homer: "Ohh…225! That means I lost weight!"
Bart: "Ahem…Homer, you're, uh, on the towel rack."
(Homer moves his stomach. The scale shows 296.)
Homer: "Woo hoo! Four more pounds and my dream comes true: working at home."
Lisa: "Obesity is really unhealthy, any doctor will tell you that."
Homer: "Oh yeah? Well we'll just see about that little miss smart guy!"
Cut to Dr. Hibbert's office
Dr. Hibbert: (gasps) "My God, that's monstrous. I've never heard of anything so negligent -- I'll have no part of it!"
Homer: "Can you recommend a doctor who will?"
Dr. Hibbert: "Yes!"
Cut to Dr. Riveria's office
Dr. Nick: "Hi everybody!"
Bart: "If you gain 61 pounds they'll let you work at home?"
Homer: "Y'uh huh, that's the deal. No more exercise program, no more traffic, no more blood drives or charity walks."
Bart: "Dad, I know we don't do a lot together but helping you gain 61 pounds is something I want to be a part of."
Homer: "Hey, where's Charlie? How'd he get out of this?"
Carl: "Uh, he's at home on disability."
Lenny: "Yeah, he got injured on the job and they sent him home with pay. It's like a lottery that awards stupidity."
Homer: "Stupidity, eh?"
Bart: "Bad news, Dad. We're out of food. We're even out of the basic elements of food. You ate all the tarragon and you drank all the soy sauce!"
Homer: "But this season I'm looking for something loose. Something comfortable for my first day of work."
Salesperson: "Work, huh? Let me guess. Computer programmer? Computer magazine columnist? - Something with computers."
Homer: "Well, I use a computer."
(Shopping at The Vast Waistband)
Homer: "I don't want to look like a weirdo. I'll just go with the muumuu."
Homer: "All my life I've been an obese man trapped inside a fat man's body."
Ralph:" I heard your dad went into a restaraunt and ate everything in the restaraunt and they had to close the restaraunt!"
Lisa: "Hey, my dad may have gained a little weight, but he's not some food crazed maniac!"
Homer: (as he drives past in Ice Cream Truck, sampling the ice creams) "Oh, that's raspberry!"
Lisa: "Oh, Dad!"
Homer: "I've gotta call the plant and warn them!"
(Homer pushes buttons on the phone, recives a specail information tone)
Recorded Voice: "The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm ... now."
(Homer screams and runs off)
(at Aztec Theatre)
Manager: "I'm sorry, sir, but our facilities are not equipped to suit your needs."
Homer:" What are you talking about?"
Manager: "Oh what I'm saying sir is that a man of your... carriage wouldn't possibly fit in our seats."
Homer: "I could sit in the aisle!"
Manager: "I'm afraid that would violate the fire code."
Man: "Hey, fatty! I've got a movie for you! 'A Fridge Too Far'!"
Marge: "That's it, thats the one, alright, send him on in."
Lisa: "Dad..."
Homer: "Yes, honey?"
Lisa: Uh..mm... Mom just baked a cake...
Homer: (runs to kitchen) "Huh?"
Marge: Homer, we need to have a serious chat.
Homer: "You dragged me all the way from work for that!"
Homer: (singing chirpily) "Bart and Lisa have to go to school well I get to stay home, na na na na naaa na!"
Lisa: "I like school."
Homer: "Well why don't you live in it, then?"
Lisa: "I would if I could."
Bart: "Not me, sister. When I grow up I want to be a lardo on workman's comp, just like Dad."
Bart then imagines himself morbidly obese on a talk show
Bart: "I wash myself with a rag on a stick!"
Obese Bart scrubs back and people applaud him. Cut back to reality. Bart is doing motions of washing his backside.
Bart: "Woo hoo ha ha!"
Lisa: "Ugh! Cut it out, Bart! That is disgusting!"
Last lines of episode
Mr. Burns: "Homer, your bravery and quick thinking have turned a potential Chernobyl into a mere Three-Mile Island. Bravo!"
Lisa: "I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day, while a slimmer man would've fallen to his death."
Bart: "And I think it's ironic that, for once, Dad's butt prevented the spread of toxic gas."
Marge: "Bart!"
Mr. Burns: "Now Homer, if there is anything else I can do for you, please let me know."
Homer looks at his family and sees how hard his obesity has made life for them.
Homer: "Can you make me thin again?"
Mr. Burns: "I guarantee it."
Nighttime. Mr. Burns and Homer are the only two present at the plant. Homer strains himself to do situps.
Mr. Burns {through megaphone}: "One. One! ONE!"
Mr. Burns throws megaphone to ground in frustration.
Mr. Burns: "Drat! I will just pay for the blasted liposuction!"
Homer: "Woo hoo!"
Lenny: Every part of me's getting exercise! Even my big fat mouth!
Homer: Yeah, even your big fa- D'oh!
Fat Homer is weighing himself. He weighs 299 pounds.
Homer: "I've got ten minutes to gain a pound or I have to go to work..."
Bart walks in with empty food containers.
Bart: "Uhh dad... we're out of food. You even ate all the basic elements of food. You ate all the tarragon and you drank all our soy sauce."
Homer: (worried) "Ohh... I need a miracle."
Maggie hands Homer a blob of play-doh.
Homer: "Oh honey, that looks just like a donut."
Bart: "Hey Homer, it says it's non-toxic!"
Homer has already eaten the play-doh and is licking his fingers.
Homer: "Well that's a plus."
The scale goes up to 300 pounds.
Homer: "Woo-hoo! I did it!"
Bart: "Homer - you're uh... on the towel rack."
Homer lifts his gut off the towel rack and the scale shoots way over 300 pounds.
Homer: (giggles happily) "Wow... oh my!"
Homer: "Marge... being over 300 pounds is everything I've ever dreamed of -- and you're not going to take it away from me! (Homer grabs and shakes his fat stomach)" You never had faith in me before, but let me tell you - the slim lazy Homer is dead! And now I'm a big fat dynamo! Now where's my cake?
