|Itchy & Scratchy Land||
- Screppetto: Now you be good Pinitchio and don't you lie.
- Pinitchio: l promise I will never hurt you. (Then stabs Screppetto's eye).
- Screppetto: Ouch.
- Marge: (sleepily) We'd better find a motel and stop for the night.
- Homer: (drowsy) We don't need to do that, Marge. I'm not tired. I'm not tired at all.
- (A car crashes and catches fire. Bart is looking out a motel window and sees it is a car of the same make, model, and color as the Simpson family car)
- Bart: Whew, glad that wasn't us!
- Announcer: Attention, Marge Simpson, your son has been arrested.
- Woman: I'd be terribly embarrassed if I were that boy's mother.(Marge hears from this and feels embarrassed)
- Announcer: Attention, Marge Simpson, we have also arrested your older, balder, fatter son. (Marge groans)
- Marge: Can't we go anywhere without this family being associated with trouble? I have nothing to say to you.
- Homer: But Marge, I was a political prisoner!
- Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
- Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a diagram?
- Bart: (fake German accent) Hey, mouse, say "cheese". (takes a picture of an Itchy robot by his camera, resulting in it collapsing) With cool, dry wit like that, I could be an action hero.
- (Several robots are destroyed; Homer is shown beating them)
- Homer: Die, bad robots, die! With a dry cool, wit like that...
- Lisa: Mom, Dad, Bart’s dead!
- (Lisa runs into the room with Bart on a wagon and Marge and Homer both gasp.)
- Bart: That’s right, dead serious about going to Itchy and Scratchy Land!
- Lisa: Who are all these characters?
- Bart: Well, you're probably too young to remember the short lived "Itchy & Scratchy and Friends Hour". They had to come up with some friends. There's Disgruntled Goat, Uncle Ant, Klu Klux Clam...
- Lisa: Oh yeah. They weren't very funny.
- PA Announcer #1: Mop and bucket man to the exit of the Nauseator. Mop and bucket man to the exit of the Nauseator.
- PA Announcer #2: We have another jumper on the roof of TGI McScratchy's.
- PA Announcer #3: We need more Bort license plates in the Gift Shop. Repeat, we are sold out of Bort license plates.
- Ticket Taker at Euro Itchy & Scratchy Land: (with a French accent) Hello? Itchy & Scratchy Land. Open for business! Who are you to resist it, huh?! C'mon, my last paycheck bounced! My children need wine! (yells in French)
- (Hans Moleman is inside a phone booth at the bird sanctuary with birds attacking him.)
- Hans Moleman: (into the phone) Hello, I need the largest seed bell you have. (pause) No, that's too big!
- Marge: Now, wait a minute, I'm not sure about this. Every time we've ever gone on vacation, I end up being horribly embarrassed. We end up in a big fight and we come home more miserable than when we left.
- Marge: This year I want us to do things together as a family, and get a lot of good exercise outdoors so we'll have a lot of wonderful memories of our vacation.
- Bart: Don't worry Mom, we'll make you proud of us. (Homer packs a suitcase and lists off the items)
- Homer: Lobster hat, Fishnet Speedo Junior, wheelie shoes, "Invisible Dog" leash... (laughs) Well, I'm packed.
- Marge: (to Grampa) And remember, every morning give one bowl of Kibble to Santa's Little Helper. Do you want me to write any of this down?
- Grampa: No! I ain't senile, dad-blast it.
- Marge: OK, bye bye.
- Homer: Bye!
- Bart: Bye!
- Lisa: Bye, Grampa!
- (Homer drives off)
- Grampa: Wait a minute! What was that last thing you said? "Grampa's Little Helper"...what's that? (looks to the animals) Which one of you is the mailman? (the animals roll their eyes slowly towards one another)
- Homer: (looking at the map) North...south...aw, nuts to this! I'm going to take a shortcut.
- Marge: Homer, no, you're going to get lost.
- Homer: Trust me, Marge. With today's modern cars, you can't get lost, what with all the silicon chips and such.
- Homer: One adult and four children.
- Woman: Would you like to buy some Itchy and Scratchy Money?
- Homer: What's that?
- Woman: Well it's money that's made just for the park... And it works just like regular money, but it's, er..."fun".
- Bart: Do it, Dad.
- Homer: Well, OK, if it's fun... let's see, uh...I'll take $1100 worth. (gets the money and he walks in and sees all the signs that show places prohibiting Itchy and Scratchy Money) Awwwww!
- Helicopter Pilot: Welcome to Itchy and Scratchyland, where nothing can possib-lie go wrong. Uh, possibly go wrong. That's the first thing that's ever gone wrong.
- Bart: (to the waiter while at the restaurant) I'll have a Brain Burger with extra pus, please.
- Marge: Bart!
- Homer: Eyeball stew.
- Marge: Homer! We just got here and already I'm mortified beyond belief by your embarrassing behavior.
- Bart: I was just ordering a cheeseburger, Mom. They have violent names for everything here.
- Marge: Oh, I see. All right, hmm...I'll have the Baby Guts.
- Waiter: Lady, you disgust me. Ew.
- Lisa: Mom, that's veal.
- Marge: Oh.
- Lisa: Aw, look at that cute little baby ax.
- (a baby ax runs to catch up with bigger axes)
- Marge: It's cute, but I'm sure it's very sharp and probably dirty.
- Homer: It is 70's! Right down to the smallest detail.
- Marge: Hey...the bartender even looks like John Travolta.
- Bartender: Yeah..."looks like".
- Bart: Look at all this great stuff, Lis! [finds a vanity license plate rack] Cool...personalized plates! "Barclay"..."Barry"..."Bert"... "Bort"? Aw, come on. "Bort"?
- Child: Mommy, mommy! Buy me a license plate.
- Mother: No. Come along, Bort.
- Man: Are you talking to me?
- Mother: No, my son is also named Bort.
- Bandleader: Welcome to T. G. I. McScratchy's, where it's constantly New Year's Eve! Here we go again! Three, two, one! (starts playing violin)
- Everyone: Happy new year! ("Auld Lang Syne" starts up)
- (a waiter walks up with champagne glasses)
- Marge: It must be wonderful to ring in the new year over and over and over.
- Waiter: Please, kill me.
- Marge: Oh, I'm so embarrassed I wish there was a hole I could just crawl into and die.
- Officer: OK, throw her in the hole.
- Marge: Oh, please: it was just a figure of speech!
- Bart: Who would have thought that our visit to Itchy and Scratchy Land would turn out to be our best vacation ever?
- Lisa: Yeah, best ever!
- Marge: Are you two bonkers? We almost got killed...not to mention all the embarrassment I suffered.
- Lisa: But Mom, it's exactly what you wanted in a vacation: it brought us together as a family, we got a lot of good exercise outdoors, and we have so many memories.
- Marge: (pause) You know, you're right. This truly was the best vacation ever. Now let us never speak of it again.
- Marge: I hope you realize now that violence on TV may be funny, but it's not so funny when that violence is happening to you.
- Bart: But it would be funny to someone who was watching us.
- Marge: Hmm...
- Lisa: No, Mom, he's right. Observe. (takes off her shoe and throws it at Bart)
- (Marge laughs involuntarily; Lisa and Bart laugh too)
- Marge: Oh, my! Lisa, go to your room.
- Lisa: Aw... (walks away)