Marge: Now be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner.
Lisa: What are we gonna have?
Homer: Well, that depends on what your teachers say. If you've been good, pizza. If you've been bad... uh... let's see... poison.
Lisa: What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?
Bart: Poison pizza.
Homer: Oh, no! I'm not making two stops!
Mrs. Krabappel: Bart has been guilty of the following atrocities: synthesizing a laxative from peas and carrots, replacing my birth control with Tic Tacs...
Ms. Hoover: You must have read to her at a young age.
Homer: I did! I did read to her! (flashback to Homer reading to baby Lisa) 8:00, Happy Days. The Fonz, Henry Winkler, is worried he's losing his cool.
Homer: Well, I've always been a firm believer in the three R's: Reading TV Guide, um...Writing to TV Guide, um...and Renewing TV Guide.
Homer: "My child is on the honor roll at Springfield Elementary." You know, I thought I'd never find a replacement for my "Where's the Beef?" bumper sticker.
Bart: Boy, time really flies when you're reading... [sees what he's holding] the Bible!? Ewww....
Ms. Krabappel: I believe that with persistent discipline, even the poorest student can end up becoming, oh, say, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
Homer: Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. What great men he would join: John Marshall, Charles Evans Hughes, Warren Berger... Mmmmmmm... Berger...
Homer: If you don't start making more sense, we're going to have to put you in a home.
Grampa: You already put me in a home.
Homer: Then we'll put you in the crooked home we saw on 60 Minutes!
Grampa: [meekly] I'll be good.
Homer: (to Bart) Young man, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, then he gets to break yours.
Grampa: Aw, this is gonna be sweet.
Homer: Boy, you're gonna have to be punished for this.
Bart: Dad, you could punish me, but that means you have to think of a punishment, sit here and make sure I do it...
Homer: [whining] Aw...
Bart: Or... you could let me go play with Milhouse, while you spend the afternoon watching unpredictable Mexican sitcoms.
[turns on the TV and "Bumble-Bee Man" is on]
Homer: Hee hee hee. Run along, you little scamp.
Homer [to Bart]: I said I'm gonna punish you and come hell or high water I.. wait a minute. [hears ice cream truck] Ice cream truck! Me, me, I was here first!
Homer: Someday you'll thank me for this, son.
Bart: Not bloody likely.
Homer: No it's true, You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?
Homer: I like stories.
Homer: You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV.
Bart: TV Sucks.
Homer: I know you're upset right now so I'll pretend you didn't say that!
Marge: Do you want your son to grow up to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren wasn't a stripper!
Homer: Now who's being naive?
Kent Brockman: Tonight on "Eye on Springfield", we meet a man who's been hiccuping for 45 years!
Man: [hic!] Kill me! [hic!] Kill me!
Kent Brockman: Let's take a look back at the year 1928. A year when you might have seen Al Capone dancing the Charleston on top of a flagpole. It was also the year of the very virst Scratchy cartoon entitled "That Happy Cat." The film did very poorly, but the following year, Scratchy was teamed up with a psychotic young mouse named Itchy and cartoon history was made.
Homer: Bart, didn't I ask you to watch Maggie?
Bart: Sounds like something you'd say.
Snake [running off with a VCR]: Oh, no! Beta!
Chief Wiggum: Aw, isn't that cute, a baby driving a car. Oh, look there's a dog driving a bus!
Lisa: (about Bart) He has the demented melancholy of a Tennessee Williams heroine!
Homer: Don't you think I know that?
Homer: Are you kidding? Lisa turned out perfect! I won't sit here and listen to you badmouthing Lisa!
Marge: We're talking about Bart.
Homer: Oh. That guy.
Milhouse: I've seen the Itchy and Scratchy Movie 13 times.
Nelson: I've seen it 17 times!
Bart: You must be getting pretty tired of that movie by now, huh?
Milhouse: No one who saw the movie'd say that!
Nelson: Let's get him!
Homer: Dad, you and your stories. "Bart broke my teeth", "The nurses are stealing my money", "This thing on my neck is getting bigger."
Bart: (in the future, seeing the "Itchy & Scratchy" movie with an elderly Homer) One senior citizen and one Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.