|In Marge We Trust||
- Reverend Lovejoy: [putting letters on the church bulletin board. He talks to Marge] Can you believe this? They give you five Q's and only two U's. What a world!
- Agnes: Seymour, I'm tired. Tell them we're going next.
- Skinner: Well, I'm not principal of the line, Mother.
- Agnes: And you never will be!
- Reverend Lovejoy: The Lord will hear your lamentations and bring solace to your ills.
- Moe: The Lord or Marge Simpson!
- Lenny: Amen to that!
- Reverend Lovejoy: Um, could we please NOT yell out things in the church.
- Akira: [reading the Mr. Sparkle box] He identifies himself as "a magnet for foodstuffs." He boasts that he will "banish dirt to the land of wind and ghosts."
- [Homer falls asleep during Lovejoy's sermon and smacks his head]
- Homer: DAMN IT!
- Reverend Lovejoy: Well, I seem to have lost my place... so I'll start over.
- Moe: Aw, for the love of crumb cake!
- Reverend Lovejoy: Our sermon today is on constancy.
- [Ned Flanders calls Reverend Lovejoy with an "emergency."]
- Ned: I think I swallowed a toothpick!
- Kearney: I'm sleepy. Let's go to school.
- Marge: You've got to get him out of there.
- Zookeeper: Jeez, I'd like to, but if they don't kill the intruder, it's really bad for their society.
- Bart: They're going to kill him?
- Zookeeper: Eventually. First, they'll eat his skin.
- Marge: Oh, my goodness! Kids! Homer! We're late for church. [pulls off the blanket, revealing her church clothes] I'm glad I dressed last night.
- Homer: Oh, I'd love to go with you honey, but I got a lot of work to do around the bed.
- Marge: Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.
- Homer: Well, in that case he should've made the week an hour longer. [mumbles] Lousy God.
- Reverend Lovejoy: Lovejoy here.
- Principal Skinner: (on phone) Reverend, this is Principal Skinner. I'm facing a crisis, and I didn't know to whom to turn.
- Reverend Lovejoy: All right.
- Principal Skinner: Mother's gone too far. She's put cardboard over her half of the television. We rented "Man Without a Face," I didn't even know he had a problem!
- [While Homer, Bart, and Lisa are at the dump]
- Homer: Okay, who's up for some scrounging? [begins to scrounge, coming up with a basketball, deflated into a bowl-like shape] Hey, here's a perfectly good basketball half.
- Lisa: I found a Malibu Stacey with no head. [a rat pops up from Stacey's torso] Aah! [drops Stacey]
- Homer: [laughs, then a raccoon emerges from the basketball and attacks Homer] Aah! Oh, my God! Help me, Lisa!
- (It is a flashback to the '70s. Ned Flanders goes into Reverend Lovejoy's office)
- Ned Flanders: Reverend, I'm, uh, I'm afraid something has happened.
- Reverend Lovejoy: Well sit down and rap with me brother, that's what I'm here for.
- Ned Flanders: Well, I was talked into doing a dance called "The Bump", but my hip slipped and my buttocks came into contact with the buttocks of another young man!
- [When Bart and Lisa find a box that has a face which looks like Homer on it]
- Lisa: What the heck is that?
- Bart: Maybe it's a box from the future.
- Lisa: It looks Japanese.
- Homer: What's going on? Wha... why am I on a Japanese box? [babbles worriedly]
- Moe: Yeah, hi, I'm calling for Reverend Lovejoy. Who is this?
- Marge: Oh, well, this is um, the uh ... The Listen Lady.
- Moe: Yeah, well listen, lady, I got so many problems I, I don't even know where to begin here.
- Marge: Okay ... um, why don't you start from the top?
- Moe: All righty. Uh, number one, I've lost the will to live.
- Marge: Aw, that's ridiculous, Moe. You've got lots to live for.
- Moe: Really? That's not what Reverend Lovejoy's been telling me. Wow, you're good, thanks. [hangs up]
- [The phone rings; Moe calls back]
- Moe: Hi, it's me again. I've got another problem. Uh, this one's about my cat. [a cat yowls in the background] Yeah, shut up, I'm asking her!
- Marge: Homer! Will you get that crazy box of off the dinner table? It came from the dump.
- Homer: But Marge, I'm obsessed with it. Where did it come from? What is it a box of? How'd my face get on it?
- Bart: Hey, if they got a picture of you, that means they can see you. They're probably watching us right now.
- Marge: That's ridiculous. Nobody is watching us right now. [The family stares nervously at the camera for a few seconds]
- [Marge the "Listen Lady" helps out Lenny]
- Lenny: See, all along I've been telling Carl I'm married to a beauty queen. Now, he's coming over for dinner.
- Marge: Oh, Lenny, I'm sure he'll like your wife no matter what she looks like.
- Lenny: No, no, no, no, no, it's worse than that. I don't even have a wife. I just said I did to, you know, be a big shot.
- Marge: Oh. Well, it's time to start telling the truth. Now, when I have to tell my husband the truth, I cook him a big, delicious dinner. By the time he's done eating, he's too full and tired to care what I have to say.
- Lenny: Wow, that's great! When Carl comes over, I'll stuff him 'till he don't know what's what.
- Reverend Lovejoy: Hmmm. I'm a shepherd without a flock. [looks heaven-ward] What have I done to lose them?
- St. Eleutherius: [comes to life in a stained glass window, surrounded by a bright light] The real question is: What have you done to keep them?
- Reverend Lovejoy: [gasps] St. Eleutherius of Nicomedia!
- St. Eleutherius: That's my name, don't wear it out.
- St. Bartholomew: To inspire men, you must be brave. I introduced Christianity to Mongolia. It didn't take, but it was worth a try.
- St. Lucian: Tell us, good Reverend, what great deeds have you done to inspire the hearts of men?
- Reverend Lovejoy: Well, I had the vestibule recarpeted.
- St. Donickus: I've appeared in over eight thousand visions, and that's the lamest reply I've ever heard.
- Reverend Lovejoy: Oh, now please, I, I thought saints were supposed to be friendly.
- St. Donickus: You ... you're just lucky God isn't here. [the light fades, and the saints return to their repose on the windows]
- [Reverend Lovejoy is playing sadly with his train set]
- Reverend Lovejoy: Attention, HO-scale passengers. The dining car is closed. Root beer is still available, but the cost is now six-fifty. If the passengers will look to their right, you will see a sad man. That is all.
- Lisa: Hey! It was all a coincidence.
- Bart: Yep. There's your answer, fishbulb.
- Homer: Well, it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on kids, let's go home.
- Bart: We are home.
- Homer: That was fast.
- Reverend Lovejoy: [walks into the room] Yes, Marge?
- Marge: Reverend, I gave Ned Flanders some bad advice. Now he could be in real trouble.
- Reverend Lovejoy: [exasperated] What happened now? Did he swallow a paper clip?
- Marge: No, he's disappeared. Oh, I'm in way over my head. I mean, where do the helpers turn when they need help?
- [Reverend Lovejoy looks out the basement window. As if on cue, a bright light streams through the glass and an organ can be heard. The camera pulls back to reveal that Marge has accidentally backed into the keyboard]
- Marge: Eh? [stands up] Sorry.
- [At Donny's Discount Gas Station]
- Marge: Donny?
- Donny: What?
- Marge: Did you see a man being chased by some young hooligans?
- Donny: I see lots of stuff.
- Lisa: Did you see that?
- Donny: Yes. [points to the zoo across the street]
- [Flanders is being surrounded by baboons]
- Flanders: Help! What do I do?
- Lisa: Play dead!
- Homer: No! Run around in circles!
- Bart: No, act like a lion!
- Marge: Swipe at the dominant male! Come on, Ned, knock that monkey down!
- Reverend Lovejoy: Say your prayers, you heathen baboon!
- Bart: Wow.
- Lisa: Oh, those poor monkeys.
- Marge: They started it.
- Flanders: You saved me, Reverend. You really went above and beyond. Thank you.
- Reverend Lovejoy: Oh, don't thank me, thank Marge Simpson. She taught me that there's more to being a minister than not caring about people.
- Flanders: [chuckles] Amen.
- [At church]
- Reverend Lovejoy: Baboons to the left of me, baboons to the right, the speeding locomotive tore through a sea of inhuman fangs. A pair of great apes rose up at me, but biff! Bam! I sent them flying like two hairy footballs. A third came screaming at me, and that's when I got mad...
- Homer: Now, that's religion.