Zookeeper: Eventually. First, they'll eat his skin.
Marge: Oh, my goodness! Kids! Homer! We're late for church. [pulls off the blanket, revealing her church clothes] I'm glad I dressed last night.
Homer: Oh, I'd love to go with you honey, but I got a lot of work to do around the bed.
Marge: Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.
Homer: Well, in that case he should've made the week an hour longer. [mumbles] Lousy God.
Reverend Lovejoy: Lovejoy here.
Principal Skinner: (on phone) Reverend, this is Principal Skinner. I'm facing a crisis, and I didn't know to whom to turn.
Reverend Lovejoy: All right.
Principal Skinner: Mother's gone too far. She's put cardboard over her half of the television. We rented "Man Without a Face," I didn't even know he had a problem!
[While Homer, Bart, and Lisa are at the dump]
Homer: Okay, who's up for some scrounging? [begins to scrounge, coming up with a basketball, deflated into a bowl-like shape] Hey, here's a perfectly good basketball half.
Lisa: I found a Malibu Stacey with no head. [a rat pops up from Stacey's torso] Aah! [drops Stacey]
Homer: [laughs, then a raccoon emerges from the basketball and attacks Homer] Aah! Oh, my God! Help me, Lisa!
(It is a flashback to the '70s. Ned Flanders goes into Reverend Lovejoy's office)
Ned Flanders: Reverend, I'm, uh, I'm afraid something has happened.
Reverend Lovejoy: Well sit down and rap with me brother, that's what I'm here for.
Ned Flanders: Well, I was talked into doing a dance called "The Bump", but my hip slipped and my buttocks came into contact with the buttocks of another young man!
[When Bart and Lisa find a box that has a face which looks like Homer on it]
Lisa: What the heck is that?
Bart: Maybe it's a box from the future.
Lisa: It looks Japanese.
Homer: What's going on? Wha... why am I on a Japanese box? [babbles worriedly]
Moe: Yeah, hi, I'm calling for Reverend Lovejoy. Who is this?
Marge: Oh, well, this is um, the uh ... The Listen Lady.
Moe: Yeah, well listen, lady, I got so many problems I, I don't even know where to begin here.
Marge: Okay ... um, why don't you start from the top?
Moe: All righty. Uh, number one, I've lost the will to live.
Marge: Aw, that's ridiculous, Moe. You've got lots to live for.
Moe: Really? That's not what Reverend Lovejoy's been telling me. Wow, you're good, thanks. [hangs up]
[The phone rings; Moe calls back]
Moe: Hi, it's me again. I've got another problem. Uh, this one's about my cat. [a cat yowls in the background] Yeah, shut up, I'm asking her!
Marge: Homer! Will you get that crazy box of off the dinner table? It came from the dump.
Homer: But Marge, I'm obsessed with it. Where did it come from? What is it a box of? How'd my face get on it?
Bart: Hey, if they got a picture of you, that means they can see you. They're probably watching us right now.
Marge: That's ridiculous. Nobody is watching us right now. [The family stares nervously at the camera for a few seconds]
[Marge the "Listen Lady" helps out Lenny]
Lenny: See, all along I've been telling Carl I'm married to a beauty queen. Now, he's coming over for dinner.
Marge: Oh, Lenny, I'm sure he'll like your wife no matter what she looks like.
Lenny: No, no, no, no, no, it's worse than that. I don't even have a wife. I just said I did to, you know, be a big shot.
Marge: Oh. Well, it's time to start telling the truth. Now, when I have to tell my husband the truth, I cook him a big, delicious dinner. By the time he's done eating, he's too full and tired to care what I have to say.
Lenny: Wow, that's great! When Carl comes over, I'll stuff him 'till he don't know what's what.
Reverend Lovejoy: Hmmm. I'm a shepherd without a flock. [looks heaven-ward] What have I done to lose them?
St. Eleutherius: [comes to life in a stained glass window, surrounded by a bright light] The real question is: What have you done to keep them?
Reverend Lovejoy: [gasps] St. Eleutherius of Nicomedia!
St. Eleutherius: That's my name, don't wear it out.
St. Bartholomew: To inspire men, you must be brave. I introduced Christianity to Mongolia. It didn't take, but it was worth a try.
St. Lucian: Tell us, good Reverend, what great deeds have you done to inspire the hearts of men?
Reverend Lovejoy: Well, I had the vestibule recarpeted.
St. Donickus: I've appeared in over eight thousand visions, and that's the lamest reply I've ever heard.
Reverend Lovejoy: Oh, now please, I, I thought saints were supposed to be friendly.
St. Donickus: You ... you're just lucky God isn't here. [the light fades, and the saints return to their repose on the windows]
[Reverend Lovejoy is playing sadly with his train set]
Reverend Lovejoy: Attention, HO-scale passengers. The dining car is closed. Root beer is still available, but the cost is now six-fifty. If the passengers will look to their right, you will see a sad man. That is all.
Lisa: Hey! It was all a coincidence.
Bart: Yep. There's your answer, fishbulb.
Homer: Well, it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on kids, let's go home.
Bart: We are home.
Homer: That was fast.
Reverend Lovejoy: [walks into the room] Yes, Marge?
Marge: Reverend, I gave Ned Flanders some bad advice. Now he could be in real trouble.
Reverend Lovejoy: [exasperated] What happened now? Did he swallow a paper clip?
Marge: No, he's disappeared. Oh, I'm in way over my head. I mean, where do the helpers turn when they need help?
[Reverend Lovejoy looks out the basement window. As if on cue, a bright light streams through the glass and an organ can be heard. The camera pulls back to reveal that Marge has accidentally backed into the keyboard]
Marge: Did you see a man being chased by some young hooligans?
Donny: I see lots of stuff.
Lisa: Did you see that?
Donny: Yes. [points to the zoo across the street]
[Flanders is being surrounded by baboons]
Flanders: Help! What do I do?
Lisa: Play dead!
Homer: No! Run around in circles!
Bart: No, act like a lion!
Marge: Swipe at the dominant male! Come on, Ned, knock that monkey down!
Reverend Lovejoy: Say your prayers, you heathen baboon!
Lisa: Oh, those poor monkeys.
Marge: They started it.
Flanders: You saved me, Reverend. You really went above and beyond. Thank you.
Reverend Lovejoy: Oh, don't thank me, thank Marge Simpson. She taught me that there's more to being a minister than not caring about people.
Flanders: [chuckles] Amen.
Reverend Lovejoy: Baboons to the left of me, baboons to the right, the speeding locomotive tore through a sea of inhuman fangs. A pair of great apes rose up at me, but biff! Bam! I sent them flying like two hairy footballs. A third came screaming at me, and that's when I got mad...