|I Love Lisa||
- Ralph: The doctor said I wouldn't have any nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there!
- (The variations of Lisa's Valentine's Card)
- Lisa: I Choo-Choo-Choose You!
- Ralph: You Choo-Choo-Choose me?
- Ralph: I was so glad when you Cho-Cho-Chose me!
- Moe: [reads his valentine] "To Moe. From your secret admirer."
- Barney: Yoo hoo!
- Moe: Oh God, no!
- [Barney blows a kiss and belches]
- Guy: Where do you want these beef hearts?
- Lunchlady Doris: On the floor.
- Guy: It doesn't look very clean.
- Lunchlady Doris: Just do your job, heart boy.
- [The man drops the hearts from the truck to the floor]
- Lisa: Ralph thinks I like him but I only gave him a valentine because I felt sorry for him.
- Homer: Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?
- Homer: You know, one day, honest citizens are going to stand up to you crooked cops!
- Chief Wiggum: [worried] They are!? Oh no! Ha-have they set a date?
- Ralph: [to Lisa] Uh...so...do you like...stuff?
- Ralph: My parents won't let me use scissors. [kids laugh at him]
- Miss Hoover: The children have a right to laugh at you, Ralph. These things couldn't cut butter. Now, take out your red crayons.
- Ralph: Miss Hoover, I don't have a red crayon.
- Miss Hoover: Why not?
- Ralph: I ate it. [kids laugh at him again]
- Grampa: Bah, this is just another Hallmark holiday cooked up to sell cards.
- Jasper: Aww... a Valentine from my granddaughter!
- Grampa: Can I have the envelope?
- Miss Hoover: You may now exchange Valentines.
- Ralph: Miss Hoover, I glued my head to my shoulder.
- Miss Hoover: First, we're going to construct paper mailboxes to store the valentines.
- Lisa: Isn't that just pointless busy-work?
- Miss Hoover: [taps her nose] Bull's-eye. Get cracking.
- Principal Skinner: Attention everyone, this is Principal Skinner. Some student, possibly Bart Simpson, has been circulating candy hearts with crude off-color sentiments.
- Krusty the Clown: Hey, kids! Don't forget to watch my 29th Anniversary Show, featuring clips like this one of Sideshow Mel whacked out on wowie-sauce!
- [shows video]
- Sideshow Mel: Everybody's always kissing your ass. Well I'm not afraid to tell you, you're a [bleep]
- [About Krusty's 29th Anniversary Show]
- Bart: I'd give anything to go to that show!
- Homer: I'd sell my first-born son!
- Bart: Hey!
- Homer: You'll do as you're told!
- Lisa: What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?
- Marge: Well, honey, when I...
- Homer: [puts up a hand] Let me handle this, Marge, I've heard 'em all. I like you as a friend... I think we should see other people... I no speak English...
- Lisa: I get the idea.
- Homer: I'm married to the sea... I don't want to kill you, but I will.
- Homer: Six simple words: I'm not gay, but I'll learn.
- Lisa (when Ralph shows up at the Simpson house) Just make up some excuse! (runs to hide)
- Homer: (answering the door) She's in the can. Go away.
- Bart: Oh it isn't fair. I'm ten times the Krusty fan you are. I even have the Krusty home pregnancy test!
- Lisa: I'm not sure if I should go. I don't even like him.
- Bart: You're right, Lis, you shouldn't go. It wouldn't be honest. I'll go, disguised as you.
- Lisa: What if he wants to hold hands?
- Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
- Lisa: What if he wants a kiss?
- Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
- Lisa: What if he...?
- Bart: You don't want to know how far I'll go.
- Lisa: Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like?
- Homer: Sure it is, honey. You do mean stealing, don't you?
- Lisa: That story isn't suitable for children.
- Chief Wiggum: Really? I keep my pants on in this version.
- (Groundskeeper Willie and Principal Skinner stand before the Presidents Day Refreshments stand, with orange drinks costing 50 cents.)
- Principal Skinner: This orange drink is the only way to recoup our terrible losses from Fire Drill Follies. I just don't know what went wrong.
- Willie: You opened the show with a fire drill and everyone cleared out!
- Principal Skinner: (sadly) Hmm. So Mother was right. It was my fault. (pauses, then whispers) Well, go ahead. Water it down some more.
- Willie: I can't, man! I've watered her down as far as she'll go! I cannot water no more!
- Principal Skinner: Good evening, everyone, and welcome to a wonderful evening of theater and picking up after yourselves.
- Bart: Hey, girls, check out this president! (pulling his pants down, revealing a butt with glasses and a big nose; as Richard Nixon) I am not a butt. (girls scream and hide behind Miss Hoover)
- Miss Hoover: Bart, do you want to play John Wilkes Booth, or do you want to act like a maniac?
- Bart: (pulling his pants back up) I'll be good.
- Ralph: Leave me alone. I'm here to play George Washington.
- Milhouse: (as Abraham Lincoln) I thought that civil war would never end. Now to soothe my head with an evening at Ford's Theater. (Bart as John Wilkes Booth barges in the door behind him) Oh, no! John Wilkes Booth!
- Bart: Hasta la vista, Abey! (he and Milhouse battle it out)
- Homer: (from the seat in the audience) Come on, boy! Finish him off!
- (Kids as presidents scream and run away from Bart as John Wilkes Booth)
- Bart: You're next, Chester A. Arthur! [after Miss Hoover carries him offstage] Unhand me, Yankee!
- Willie: I did not cry when me own father was hung for stealing a pig... But I'll cry now. (cries on Principal Skinner's shoulder)
- (Skinner pulls the lever that closes blasts Washington's bed up and pats Willie on the shoulder to comfort him.)
- Ralph: (reads Lisa's card) "Let's 'bee' friends." It says, "bee" and it has a picture of a bee on it! [laughs]
- Krusty: What's your name, son?
- Ralph: Ralph. (Lisa quietly groans to herself in disappointment)
- Krusty: And is this your girlfriend, Ralph?
- Ralph: Yes! I love Lisa Simpson, and when I grow up, I'm going to marry her!
- Lisa: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now you listen to me! I don't like you! I never liked you and the only reason I gave you that stupid valentine is because nobody else would!
- (Scene pauses as the show was taped; Bart is holding the remote)
- Bart: Watch this, Lis. You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half. (pushes button until it goes to Ralph cringing) And now. (Lisa sighs)