|I Love Lisa||
- Ralph: The doctor said I wouldn't have any nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there!
- (The variations of Lisa's Valentine's Card)
- Lisa: I Choo-Choo-Choose You!
- Ralph: You Choo-Choo-Choose me?
- Ralph: I was so glad when you Cho-Cho-Chose me!
- Moe: [reads his Valentine] "To Moe. From your secret admirer."
- Barney: Yoo hoo!
- Moe: Oh God, no!
- [Barney blows a kiss and belches]
- Guy: Where do you want these beef hearts?
- Lunchlady Doris: On the floor.
- Guy: It doesn't look very clean.
- Lunchlady Doris: Just do your job, heart boy.
- [The man drops the hearts from the truck to the floor]
- Lisa: Ralph thinks I like him but I only gave him a valentine because I felt sorry for him.
- Homer: Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?
- Homer: You know, one day, honest citizens are going to stand up to you crooked cops!
- Chief Wiggum: [worried] They are!? Oh no! Ha-have they set a date?
- Ralph: [to Lisa] Uh... so... do you like... stuff?
- Ralph: My parents won't let me use scissors. [kids laugh at him]
- Miss Hoover: The children have a right to laugh at you, Ralph. These things couldn't cut butter. Now, take out your red crayons.
- Ralph: Miss Hoover. I don't have a red crayon.
- Miss Hoover: Why not?
- Ralph: I ate it. [kids laugh at him again]
- Grampa: Bah, this is just another Hallmark holiday cooked up to sell cards.
- Jasper: Aww... a Valentine from my granddaughter!
- Grampa: Can I have the envelope?
- Miss Hoover: You may now exchange Valentines.
- Ralph: Miss Hoover, I glued my head to my shoulder.
- Ms. Hoover: First, we're going to construct paper mailboxes to store the valentines.
- Lisa: Isn't that just pointless busy-work?
- Ms. Hoover: [taps her nose] Bull's-eye. Get cracking.
- Principal Skinner: Attention everyone, this is Principal Skinner. Some student, possibly Bart Simpson, has been circulating candy hearts with crude off-color sentiments.
- Krusty the Clown: Hey, kids! Don't forget to watch my 29th Anniversary Show, featuring clips like this one of Sideshow Mel whacked out on wowie-sauce!
- [shows video]
- Sideshow Mel: Everybody's always kissing your ass. Well I'm not afraid to tell you, you're a -bleep-
- [About Krusty's 29th Anniversary Show]
- Bart: I'd give anything to go to that show!
- Homer: I'd sell my first-born son!
- Bart: Hey!
- Homer: You'll do as you're told!
- Lisa: What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?
- Marge: Well, honey, when I...
- Homer: [puts up a hand] Let me handle this, Marge, I've heard 'em all. I like you as a friend... I think we should see other people... I no speak English...
- Lisa: I get the idea.
- Homer: I'm married to the sea... I don't want to kill you, but I will.
- Homer: Six simple words: I'm not gay, but I'll learn.
- Lisa (when Ralph shows up at the Simpson house) Just make up some excuse! (runs to hide)
- Homer: (answering the door) She's in the can. Go away.
- Bart: Oh it isn't fair. I'm ten times the Krusty fan you are. I even have the Krusty home pregnancy test!
- Lisa: I'm not sure if I should go. I don't even like him.
- Bart: You're right, Lis, you shouldn't go. It wouldn't be honest. I'll go, disguised as you.
- Lisa: What if he wants to hold hands?
- Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
- Lisa: What if he wants a kiss?
- Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
- Lisa: What if he...?
- Bart: You don't want to know how far I'll go.
- Lisa: Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like?
- Homer: Sure it is, honey. You do mean stealing, don't you?
- Lisa: That story isn't suitable for children.
- Chief Wiggum: Really? I keep my pants on in this version.
- (Groundskeeper Willie and Principal Skinner stand before the Presidents Day Refreshments stand, with orange drinks costing 50 cents.)
- Principal Skinner: This orange drink is the only way to recoup our terrible losses from Fire Drill Follies. I just don't know what went wrong.
- Willie: You opened the show with a fire drill and everyone cleared out!
- Principal Skinner: (sadly) Hmm. So Mother was right. It was my fault. (pauses, then whispers) Well, go ahead. Water it down some more.
- Willie: I can't, man! I've watered her down as far as she'll go! I cannot water no more!
- Principal Skinner: Good evening, everyone, and welcome to a wonderful evening of theater and picking up after yourselves.
- Miss Hoover: Bart, do you want to play John Wilkes Booth, or do you want to act like a maniac?
- Ralph: Leave me alone. I'm here to play George Washington.
- Bart: [after Miss Hoover carries him offstage] Unhand me, Yankee!
- Willie: I did not cry when me own father was hung for stealin' a pig... But I'll cry now. (cries on Principal Skinner's shoulder.)
- (Skinner pulls the lever that closes blasts Washington's bed up and pats Willie on the shoulder to comfort him.)
- Ralph: (reads Lisa's card) "Let's 'bee' friends." It says, "bee" and it has a picture of a bee on it. [laughs]
- Krusty: What's your name, son?
- Ralph: Ralph.
- Krusty: And is this your girlfriend, Ralph?
- Ralph: Yes! I love Lisa Simpson, and when I grow up, I'm going to marry her!
- Lisa: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now you listen to me. I don't like you. I never liked you. And the only reason I gave you that stupid valentine is because nobody else would!