Principal Skinner: This orange drink is the only way to recoup our terrible losses from Fire Drill Follies. I just don't know what went wrong.
Willie: You opened the show with a fire drill and everyone cleared out!
Principal Skinner: (sadly) Hmm. So Mother was right. It was my fault. (pauses, then whispers) Well, go ahead. Water it down some more.
Willie: I can't, man! I've watered her down as far as she'll go! I cannot water no more!
Principal Skinner: Good evening, everyone, and welcome to a wonderful evening of theater and picking up after yourselves.
Bart: Hey, girls, check out this president! (pulling his pants down, revealing a butt with glasses and a big nose; as Richard Nixon) I am not a butt. (girls scream and hide behind Miss Hoover)
Miss Hoover: Bart, do you want to play John Wilkes Booth, or do you want to act like a maniac?
Bart: (pulling his pants back up) I'll be good.
Ralph: Leave me alone. I'm here to play George Washington.
Milhouse: (as Abraham Lincoln) I thought that civil war would never end. Now to soothe my head with an evening at Ford's Theater. (Bart as John Wilkes Booth barges in the door behind him) Oh, no! John Wilkes Booth!
Bart: Hasta la vista, Abey! (he and Milhouse battle it out)
Homer: (from the seat in the audience) Come on, boy! Finish him off!
(Kids as presidents run away from Bart as John Wilkes Booth)
Bart: You're next, Chester A. Arthur! [after Miss Hoover carries him offstage] Unhand me, Yankee!
Willie: I did not cry when me own father was hung for stealing a pig... But I'll cry now. (cries on Principal Skinner's shoulder.)
(Skinner pulls the lever that closes blasts Washington's bed up and pats Willie on the shoulder to comfort him.)
Ralph: (reads Lisa's card) "Let's 'bee' friends." It says, "bee" and it has a picture of a bee on it. [laughs]
Krusty: What's your name, son?
Krusty: And is this your girlfriend, Ralph?
Ralph: Yes! I love Lisa Simpson, and when I grow up, I'm going to marry her!
Lisa: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now you listen to me! I don't like you! I never liked you and the only reason I gave you that stupid valentine is because nobody else would!
(Scene pauses as the show was taped; Bart is holding the remote)
Bart: Watch this, Lise. You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half. (pushes button until it goes to Ralph cringing) And now. (Lisa sighs)