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I Love Lisa/Quotes

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Episode
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Quotes
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Brother from the Same Planet
I Love Lisa
Duffless
Ralph: The doctor said I wouldn't have any nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there!

(The variations of Lisa's Valentine's Card)
Lisa: I Choo-Choo-Choose You!
(Later)
Ralph: You Choo-Choo-Choose me?
(Later)
Ralph: I was so glad when you Cho-Cho-Chose me!

Moe: [reads his Valentine] "To Moe. From your secret admirer."
Barney: Yoo hoo!
Moe: Oh God, no!
[Barney blows a kiss and belches]

Guy: Where do you want these beef hearts?
Lunchlady Doris: On the floor.
Guy: It doesn't look very clean.
Lunchlady Doris: Just do your job, heart boy.
[The man drops the hearts from the truck to the floor]

Lisa: Ralph thinks I like him but I only gave him a valentine because I felt sorry for him.
Homer: Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?

Homer: You know, one day, honest citizens are going to stand up to you crooked cops!
Chief Wiggum: [worried] They are!? Oh no! Ha-have they set a date?

Ralph: [to Lisa] Uh... so... do you like... stuff?

Ralph: My parents won't let me use scissors. [kids laugh at him]
Miss Hoover: The children have a right to laugh at you, Ralph. These things couldn't cut butter. Now, take out your red crayons.
Ralph: Miss Hoover. I don't have a red crayon.
Miss Hoover: Why not?
Ralph: I ate it. [kids laugh at him again]

Grampa: Bah, this is just another Hallmark holiday cooked up to sell cards.
Jasper: Aww... a Valentine from my granddaughter!
Grampa: Can I have the envelope?

Miss Hoover: You may now exchange Valentines.
Ralph: Miss Hoover, I glued my head to my shoulder.

Ms. Hoover: First, we're going to construct paper mailboxes to store the valentines.
Lisa: Isn't that just pointless busy-work?
Ms. Hoover: [taps her nose] Bull's-eye. Get cracking.

Principal Skinner: Attention everyone, this is Principal Skinner. Some student, possibly Bart Simpson, has been circulating candy hearts with crude off-color sentiments.

Krusty the Clown: Hey, kids! Don't forget to watch my 29th Anniversary Show, featuring clips like this one of Sideshow Mel whacked out on wowie-sauce!
[shows video]
Sideshow Mel: Everybody's always kissing your ass. Well I'm not afraid to tell you, you're a -bleep-

[About Krusty's 29th Anniversary Show]
Bart: I'd give anything to go to that show!
Homer: I'd sell my first-born son!
Bart: Hey!
Homer: You'll do as you're told!

Lisa: What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?
Marge: Well, honey, when I...
Homer: [puts up a hand] Let me handle this, Marge, I've heard 'em all. I like you as a friend... I think we should see other people... I no speak English...
Lisa: I get the idea.
Homer: I'm married to the sea... I don't want to kill you, but I will.

Homer: Six simple words: I'm not gay, but I'll learn.

Lisa (when Ralph shows up at the Simpson house) Just make up some excuse! (runs to hide)
Homer: (answering the door) She's in the can. Go away.

Bart: Oh it isn't fair. I'm ten times the Krusty fan you are. I even have the Krusty home pregnancy test!
Lisa: I'm not sure if I should go. I don't even like him.
Bart: You're right, Lis, you shouldn't go. It wouldn't be honest. I'll go, disguised as you.
Lisa: What if he wants to hold hands?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he wants a kiss?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he...?
Bart: You don't want to know how far I'll go.

Lisa: Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like?
Homer: Sure it is, honey. You do mean stealing, don't you?

Lisa: That story isn't suitable for children.
Chief Wiggum: Really? I keep my pants on in this version.

(Groundskeeper Willie and Principal Skinner stand before the Presidents Day Refreshments stand, with orange drinks costing 50 cents.)
Principal Skinner: This orange drink is the only way to recoup our terrible losses from Fire Drill Follies. I just don't know what went wrong.
Willie: You opened the show with a fire drill and everyone cleared out!
Principal Skinner: (sadly) Hmm. So Mother was right. It was my fault. (pauses, then whispers) Well, go ahead. Water it down some more.
Willie: I can't, man! I've watered her down as far as she'll go! I cannot water no more!

Principal Skinner: Good evening, everyone, and welcome to a wonderful evening of theater and picking up after yourselves.

Miss Hoover: Bart, do you want to play John Wilkes Booth, or do you want to act like a maniac?

Ralph: Leave me alone. I'm here to play George Washington.

Bart: [after Miss Hoover carries him offstage] Unhand me, Yankee!

Willie: I did not cry when me own father was hung for stealin' a pig... But I'll cry now. (cries on Principal Skinner's shoulder.)
(Skinner pulls the lever that closes blasts Washington's bed up and pats Willie on the shoulder to comfort him.)

Ralph: (reads Lisa's card) "Let's 'bee' friends." It says, "bee" and it has a picture of a bee on it. [laughs]

Krusty: What's your name, son?
Ralph: Ralph.
Krusty: And is this your girlfriend, Ralph?
Ralph: Yes! I love Lisa Simpson, and when I grow up, I'm going to marry her!
Lisa: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now you listen to me! I don't like you! I never liked you and the only reason I gave you that stupid valentine is because nobody else would!
(Scene pauses as the show was taped; Bart is holding the remote)
Bart: Watch this, Lise. You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half. (pushes button until it goes to Ralph cringing) And now. (Lisa sighs)


Season 3 Season 4 Quotes Season 5
Kamp KrustyA Streetcar Named MargeHomer the HereticLisa the Beauty QueenTreehouse of Horror IIIItchy & Scratchy: The MovieMarge Gets a JobNew Kid on the BlockMr. PlowLisa's First WordHomer's Triple BypassMarge vs. the MonorailSelma's ChoiceBrother from the Same PlanetI Love LisaDufflessLast Exit to SpringfieldSo It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip ShowThe FrontWhacking DayMarge in ChainsKrusty Gets Kancelled

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