- Lisa: Dad, wake up!
- Homer: What?
- Lisa: I think a hurricane is coming!
- Homer: Oh Lisa! There's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.
- Lisa: Yes, but the records only go back to 1978 when the Hall of Records was mysteriously blown away.
- Kent Brockman: And the weather service has warned us to brace ourselves for the onslaught of Hurricane Barbara. And if you think naming a destructive storm after a woman is sexist, you obviously have never seen the gals grabbing for items at a clearance sale.
- Marge: That's true... but he shouldn't say it.
- Apu: Stand behind the flaming garbage cans. We'll be letting you into the store, seventy people at a time.
- Kirk Van Houten: Oh, let's just beat him up and take his stuff!
- Apu: No, no, no, do not listen to that man. Remain calm. You will all have a chance to be gouged.
- [the crowd murmurs in approval]
- Lisa: Mom, let's just grab what we can and get out of here! This storm is making people crazy. [two old hands feel around Lisa's spikey hair]
- Mrs. Glick: The last pineapple! And plenty ripe, too! [picks up Lisa and puts her in a cart]
- Lisa: But I'm not fruit! I'm a kid!
- Mrs. Glick: That's what the pumpkin said.
- Ralph: Hi, Lisa. We're going to be in a pie!
- Evacuator: Sir, for your own safety, we do advise you to evacuate.
- Grampa: I ain't leaving! I was born in this nursing home, and I'll die in this nursing home.
- Evacuator: Is there any chance of you changing your mind?
- Grampa: Sure, let's go.
- Flanders: [to Homer] Need some help there? You know, maybe you folks should come over and hunker in our bunker. [the Flanders house is covered with tents] Oh, it'll be fun! We're gonna go through our old cancelled checks and receipts and give ourselves an audit. Make sure we don't owe anything extra.
- Marge: Why don't we do something to take our minds off the storm? [looks through a box] Oooh, a Rubik's Cube! Let's all work it together.
- Lisa: Okay, start with diagonal colors.
- [Marge turns the cube]
- Homer: Use your main finger on the yellow side and your other finger on the orange side and turn it.
- Marge: My main finger?
- [the family begins to talking at the same time]
- Bart: [simultaneously] Orange to orange!...
- Lisa: [simultaneously] Now you have to turn it back, Mom...
- Homer: [simultaneously] You gotta start backwards!
- Bart: [simultaneously] Mom, Mom!
- Lisa: [simultaneously] No, not so fast! No, ignore the red!
- Bart: [simultaneously] No, no, no!
- Homer: [simultaneously] Alternate corners!
- Marge: One at a time!
- Bart: Spin the middle side topwise. Topwise!
- Marge: Now I remember why I put this down here in the first place!
- Marge: Dear God, this is Marge Simpson. If you stop this hurricane and save our family, we will be forever grateful and recommend you to all our friends! So, if you could find it in your infinite wisdom to...
- Lisa: Wait! Listen, everybody.[the sunlight shines and birds chirp] The hurricane's over.
- Homer: He fell for it! Way to go, Marge!
- Marge: Remarkable. There doesn't seem to be any damage at all. It just goes to show you that everything will work out if you have faith.
- Flanders: [after emerging from the rubble] It's all gone. Everything gone-diddilly-on. Maude? Rod? Todd?
- Todd: [upside down; lying on the rubble] I'm right here, Daddy.
- Maude: Oh Neddy, it was terrifying. I thought I was headed for the eternal bliss of paradise.
- Todd: Oh my gosh! Look at Rod!
- Rod: [stuck horizontally inside a tree] I have a headache. [Flanders pulls him out]
- Flanders: Well, sir, everyone's alive. Guess that's something to be thankful for.
- Homer: Now, that kind of attitude's not gonna get your house back.
- Marge: I'm sure your insurance will cover the house.
- Maude: Uh, well, no. Neddy doesn't believe in insurance. He considers it a form of gambling.
- Kent Brockman: Meantime, Springfield bowlers will be happy to hear that the Bowl-A-Rama is back in business at its new location teetering over the Carter-Nixon tunnel.
- Flanders: I'm not a bad man. I don't drink or dance or swear. I've even kept kosher, just to stay on the safe side. I've done everything the Bible says! Even the stuff contradicts the other stuff! What more could I do? I feel like I'm coming apart here. I want to yell out, but I just can't dang-diddily-do-dang, do-dang-diddily-darn do it!
- Flanders: Reverend Lovejoy, with all that's happened to us today, I kind of feel like Job.
- Reverend Lovejoy: Well, aren't you being a tad melodramatic, Ned? Also, I believe Job was right-handed.
- Flanders: But, Reverend, I need to know. Is God punishing me?
- Reverend Lovejoy: Oh, short answer, "yes" with an "if." Long answer, "no" with a "but."
- Todd: We got new clothes from the donation bin! [wearing a Butthole Surfers shirt] I'm a surfer!
- Rod: [wearing a t-shirt with "I'm With Stupid" on it and a pointed finger] Look, Daddy, Todd is stupid and I'm with him. [walks to Maude] And now Mommy's stupid! [chuckles]
- Maude: Neddy, I know this has been a terrible day. But, by golly, first thing tomorrow morning, we're going to open up the Leftorium and before you know it, we'll be back on our feet.
- Kent Brockman: (on TV) Down here at Springfield Mall, a crowd appeared to have turned its rage… on the Leftorium. Surprisingly, people are grabbing things with both hands, suggesting it's not just southpaws in this rampaging mob.
- Marge: Ned, Maude! You've got to go back to your house. Something incredible has happened.
- Flanders: (sarcastically) Oh, what happened now? Did the rubble burn down?
- Marge: No! Come On!
- Flanders: [after seeing the Flanders' newly built house by the townspeople of Springfield] Oh, they rebuilt our house! Oh, it's miracle!
- Marge: I started making some calls last night, and before I knew it practically all of Springfield was offering to help.
- Homer: Mm-hmm. My pleasure. Happy to help.
- Flanders: Fabulous experience.
- Homer: [about the Flanders' newly built house] Sure! Hope you like it, neighbor. We didn't have the best tools or all the know-how, but we did have a wheelbarrow full of love!
- Apu: And a cement-mixer full of hope, and some cement.
- Flanders: I don't know how I can possibly repay you! But if any of you ever need a favor, just look for the happiest man in Springfield! [pan over to a spunky man with a smile on his face in suspenders and a red bowtie]
- Guy: No, no! Not me, friends. He's talking about himself. But thanks for looking!
- Flanders: [gets his sweater caught in a nail] Ooh, looks like a loose nail.
- Homer: Yeah, one out of twenty five ain't bad! [hammers in a nail]
- Flanders: Was that, uh, was that toilet always next to the refrigerator?
- Chief Wiggum: Uh, Ned, you ever try lugging a toilet up a flight of stairs?
- Bart: Lisa and I built your room.
- Rod: [taking down poster in Rod's new bedroom] But I don't like this clown!
- Bart: Ah, I wouldn't take it down if I were you. It's a load-bearing poster. [a crack ripples through the upper wall and up to the ceiling]
- Apu: This is the room with electricity. But it has too much electricity. So, I don't know, you might want to wear a hat.
- Flanders: Uh-huh. [walks further down the hallway] Floor feels a little gritty here.
- Moe: Yeah we ran out of floorboards there, so we painted the dirt. Pretty clever!
- Flanders: [walking down the extremely small and narrow hallway] Oh, something is definitely wrong with this hallway. [opens a 4-inch-tall door]
- Barney: Come on in! It's your master bedroom! [Ned shuts the dollhouse-sized door] Ow! My nose!
- Flanders: Well, I've seen about enough.
- Homer: So, Flanders, what do you think of the house that love built? [the Flanders' rebuilt house collapses] Aw shoot!
- Flanders: [after cleaning his glasses, but the lenses fall out and puts his glasses back on as he tries to calm himself down, knowing that everybody has done their best] Now, calm down, Neddly diddily diddily diddily, doodily. They did their best shodaiddily iddily iddily diddily diddily. Gotta be nice, hostidididildilidilly... [unable to control his emotions and instead, starts to snap] AW, HELL-DIDDLY-DING-DONG-CRAP! CAN'T YOU MORONS DO ANYTHING RIGHT?!!!! [everyone gasps]
- Marge: Ned! We meant well, and everyone here tried their best.
- Flanders: (to Marge) Well, my family and I can't live in good intentions, Marge! Oh, your family's out of control, but we can't blame you, because you have gooood intentions!
- Bart: Hey! Back off, man!
- Flanders: (to Bart) Ooh, okay, duuuuuuude, I wouldn't want you to have a cow, maaaaaaan! Here's a catchphrase you'd better learn for your adult years: "Hey, buddy, "'GOT A QUARTER?!" [everyone gasps again]'" [everyone gasps]
- Bart: I am shocked and appalled.
- Lisa: Mr. Flanders, with all due respect, Bart didn't do anything.
- Flanders: (sarcastic gasp of surprise and to Lisa) Do I hear the sound of butting in? It's got to be little Lisa Simpson, Springfield's answer to a a QUESTION NO ONE ASKED!
- Chief Wiggum: (laughs)
- Flanders: (to Wiggum) What do we have here? The long flabby arm of the law? The last case you got the bottom of WAS A CASE OF MALLOWMARS!
- Krusty: [opening a notebook] Mallomars, oh, haha. That's going in the act. [begins writing].
- Flanders: (to Krusty) Oh yeah, the clown. The only one of you buffoons who doesn't make me laugh! [Krusty ignores him]. (to Lenny) And as for you, I don't know you, but I'm sure you're a jerk!
- Lenny: Hey, I've only been here a few minutes! What's going on?
- Flanders: (to Moe) You ugly, hate-filled man.
- Moe: [acting bravely]. Hey, hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I... um, what was the third thing you said?
- (Deleted Scene)
- Flanders: (to Millhouse) WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, FOUR-EYES?!
- Millhouse: But, you have glasses too.
- Flanders: (to his neighbor Homer, coldly and quietly) Homer, you are the worst human being I have ever met.
- Homer: Hey, I got off pretty easy.
- Flanders: I just attacked all my friends and neighbors just for trying to help me. I'd like to commit myself.
- Receptionist: Very well. Shall I show you to your room, or would you prefer to be dragged off kicking and screaming?
- Flanders: Ooh, kicking and screaming, please.
- Receptionist: As you wish. [two men in white grab hold of him and drag him away]
- Flanders: [doesn't kick] Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
- Dr. Foster: (on phone) Yes, Dr. Foster here. … Ned Flanders? You're sure? … No, no, no, I'll come right over. And may God have mercy on us all. (hangs up) Darling, there's an emergency at the hospital, uh, where are my shoes?
- Mrs. Foster: I think they're in the den.
- Dr. Foster: The den? May God have mercy on us all.
- Young Flanders: [barging in] Whee! I'm Dick Tracy! [hits the other kids] Bang! Take that Pruneface! Now I'm Pruneface, take that Dick Tracy! Now I'm Prune Tracy, take that Dick...
- Dr. Foster: Ned, stop it at once! Stop it!
- Dr. Foster: [to a young Flanders] Get down from that bookshelf, please. Most of those books haven't been discredited yet!
- Dr. Foster: Would you please tell your son to stop?
- Flanders' Dad: We can't do it, man! That's discipline! That's like tellin' Gene Krupa not to go [starts banging on the desk] "boom boom bam bam bam, boom boom bam bam bam, boom boom boom bam ba ba ba ba, da boo boo tss!" We don't believe in rules, like, we gave them up when we started livin' like freaky beatniks!
- Dr. Foster: You don't believe in rules, yet you want to control Ned's anger.
- Flanders' Mom: Yeah. You gotta help us, Doc. We've tried nothin' and we're all out of ideas.
- Homer: Y'ello? Yes? Mental hospital? Well, I don't know any Ned Flanders.
- Marge: The man who lived next door until his house blew down?
- Homer: Oh, him!
- Jay Sherman: [to the doctor] It stinks! It stinks! It stinks!
- Doctor: Yes, Mr. Sherman. Everything stinks.
- Homer: Ned Flanders, I mock your value system. You also appear foolish to the eyes of others.
- Flanders: Well howdy, Homer! [partition slides up] Ooh, thanks for dropping by!
- Dr. Foster: Hmm. He's not responding. [into microphone] Proceed to level 2 antagonism. [slides down partition]
- Homer: Past instances in which I professed to like you were fraudulent.
- Flanders: Oh, well, I'll just have to try harder. Heh heh. [partition slides up] Ooh! Thanks for dropping by!
- Dr. Foster: Ah, he's still repressing. [into microphone] Maximum hostility factor. [slide down partition]
- Homer: I engaged in intercourse with your spouse or significant other. Now that's psychiatry! Eh? Eh?
- Homer: [directly towards mirror] Aw that's it, you just can't insult this guy. You call him a moron and he just sits there, grinning moronly.
- Flanders: [to mirror] Hi, neighbor!
- Homer: You know what your problem is, Flanders? You're afraid to be human.
- Flanders: Ho ho, now why would I be afraid of that?
- Homer: Because humans are obnoxious, sometimes. Humans hate things.
- Flanders: Well, maybe a few of them do... back East.
- Dr. Foster: I can't find what Homer's saying. Did you write that?
- Doctor: Um, did you like it?
- Homer: Come on, Flanders, there's gotta be something you hate. What about mosquito bites?
- Flanders: Mmm mmm! Sure are fun to scratch! Mmm! Satisfying!
- Homer: What about, uhhhhh, florescent lights?
- Flanders: Oooh, they hum like angels! You're never lonely if you've got a florescent light!
- Flanders: I don't like the service at the post office. You know, it's all "rush rush! get'cha in, get'cha out!" Then they've got those machines in the lobby, they're even faster, no help there. You might even say, I hate the post office. That, and my parents. Lousy beatniks.
- Flanders: [when he comes out of the hospital] Thanks, everyone! I'm all better now. No more storing up the anger till I explode. If any of you does something I don't like, yo-ou're gonna hear about it! All right?
- [the crowd cheers]
- Dr. Foster: Yes, that's very healthy, Ned.
- Flanders: [ominous] And if you really tick me off, I'm gonna run you down with my car.
- [the clapping dies down dramatically and everyone except for Homer looks worried]
- Homer: Heh heh! Ned, you so craz-ay! [Ned winks and he and Homer both laugh]