|How the Test Was Won||
- Ralph: (using a urinal in the gas station) Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want, So tell me what you want, what you really really want, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want, So tell me what you want, what you really really want.
- Principal Skinner: Ralph, are you almost finished?
- Ralph: I finished before we came in.
- (Some of the book club members have just been killed and the Simpsons don't have an insurance)
- Marge: Oh my god, oh my god! We're totally liable!
- (She and Lindsey Naegle look at each other and then kiss passionately)
- Homer: Oh yeah.
- Homer: Insurance is the greatest deal ever. If I get hurt, I get paid. And man do I get hurt!
- (Cut to a montage of Homer's previous injuries)
- Homer: [laughs] What a week.
- Bart: I can't believe we have to start another year at school. I never learned anything at that suck shack.
- Homer: Who taught you language like that?
- Bart: Kid at school.
- Homer: So you did learn something!
- Principal Skinner: Brilliant plan sending the all the underachievers to Capital City until the day after the test.
- Superintendent Chalmers: Yes, all of them. Why, Seymour, I believe I left my sunglasses in the bus.
- Principal Skinner: Well, I've best retrieve them.
- Superintendent Chalmers: Yes, you've best.
- (as Skinner enters the bus, Chalmers motions Otto to close the door)
- Principal Skinner: Uh, sir?
- Superintendent Chalmers: So long, superstars!
- Principal Skinner: I can't believe it. Superintendent Chalmers betrayed me! After all the wrapping paper I bought from his daughter...
- Lisa: 96%? What did I get wrong?
- Superintendent Chalmers: Several questions.
- Lisa: Several? That's more than a few, and almost a bunch.
- Principal Skinner: Let me explain this so that even the simplest can understand: You are being hidden in Capital City so that you won't weight down the test with your numbskullery and ruin the future of those students who are our future.
- Bart: Told ya.
- Kearney: Will there be other numbskulls there, sort of an numbskull Olympics?
- Jimbo Jones: Hey, let's all act like numbskulls!
- (They make dumb faces and go "duh")
- Nelson: Guys, guys, let's save it for the competition.
- Ralph: Mommy, I have to go potty.
- Principal Skinner: Otto, pull the bus over. I said pull over!
- Otto: Huh? Sorry, I was mesmerized by the little boy's dance.
- Bart: So what's the plan now, Skinrash?
- Principal Skinner: My name is not Skinrash. It's Principal Skinner, and you will refer to me as such.
- Bart: Sure thing, Such.
- Principal Skinner: I'll deal with your insubordinate wordplay later.
- Principal Skinner: Time to do what I've never done as school principal: something.
- Lisa: (thinking) Let's move on to question two. "Question two: using what you've learned from question one..." (out loud) Aaargh!
- Marge and Homer: Three, two, one... Happy new year!
- Marge: Of school!
- Bart: What are you guys doing?
- Marge: It's the first day of school.
- Homer: You're the government's problem now!
- Principal Skinner: When you take the practice test, be sure to use a number two pencil. (holds a big pencil)
- Bart: What kind of pencil do we use?
- Principal Skinner: Number two. Take a number two.
- (Kids laugh)
- Bart: Looks like you took a big number two!
- Principal Skinner: Yes, as you can see, I have a big number two in my hands, enjoing the weight and feel of it.
- (Kids laugh; Chalmers rolls eyes)
- Lisa: Bart, what did you put on question 36?
- Bart: Slurp my snot!
- (Lisa gasps)
- Bart: That was my answer. I wrote down "Slurp my snot" in the answer sheet.
- Lisa: Dad, Bart's throwing away his future!
- Homer: Oh, no! Now who will sell oranges on the offramp? (laughs and high-fives Bart)
- Bart: Hey, Skinner, I've just realized something. You're stuck babysitting us losers, which makes you the real loser.
- Principal Skinner: For your information, I am not a loser. I am a successful school principal who paints houses in the summertime.
- Dolph: You painted our house in July and it was peeling by October.
- Principal Skinner: Your father insisted on using an inferior primer.
- Bart: Wait a minute! This ain't no genius copter! This is Con Air!