- Lisa: Ooh, there's new marshmallows in the Belfast Charms!
- Marge: No! No, that's Bart's cereal. It's the only way I can get him to take his "vitamins".
- Bart: The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side.
- Lisa: That's not right.
- Bart: Yes, it is. They're my lines as the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz.
- Selma: Well, he's not in the Boise morgue. Maybe he was mistaken for a dead elephant and flown back to Kenya.
- Marge: You're talking about my husband.
- Selma: To spare your feelings, we'll just call him the Blob.
- Patty: Two to one says the Blob is stuck in the water-intake pipe at the reservoir.
- Chief Wiggum: Sorry I'm late, everyone. I had some trouble getting the voice mails off the 9-1-1 line. Why does everyone have to talk so fast and panicky?
- Man on the phone: (slowly and clearly) A man with a gun is in my house.
- Chief Wiggum: Gibberish!
- Marge: Homie, what happened to you?!
- Homer: I overslept, lost my cell phone, missed my flight.
- Marge: Why didn't you call us?
- Homer: Well, all the pay phone at the airport were replaced by self-serve yogurt. I ate all the cookie dough toppings a man could want.
- Bart: So many cookies will never be born.
- Marge: Dear Christian God...
- Lisa: Hey!
- Marge: Sorry, dear God... You know which one I mean.
- Marge: I been having snuggle dreams.
- Homer: Marge, I changed in Boise. I'm not sure a man who eats right and doesn't drink.
- Lisa: (to Bart) Don't you think it's weird that Dad stopped eating pork and drinking beer?
- Marge: (to Lisa) Who cares what happened? Daddy's back.
- (Lisa tries to sneak in Homer's room, but she bump into some boxes making noises. Homer turns around)
- Lisa: (Pretending to be a cat) Meow!
- Homer: If you are a cat, prove it! Do you hate Mondays like Garfield?
- Lisa: Meow!
- Homer: And do you love lasagna like me?
- Lisa: Meow.
- Homer: Okay then.
- Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
- Annie Crawford: Agent Crawford, FBI.
- Bart: You guys know I don't talk to field agents. Get your boss on the phone.
- Annie: Don't talk.
- Homer: Okay.
- Annie: I want you to know I'm the best there is at finding out what you're up to.
- Homer: Ooh.
- Annie: I can torture you. I can give you incredible sex. Or you can just tell me what I want to know.
- Homer: What was the first one again?
- Annie: I see. You're stupid.
- Homer: Hey. I'm the one in bed with two beautiful women.
- Annie: (gasps) You think I'm beautiful? Oh!
- Homer: In a breaking-and-entering kind of way.
- Annie: Well, give me something or I'm not leaving.
- Apu: Chief Wiggum, how come every time there's a terrorist chatter in this town, you come to me?
- Chief Wiggum: Lay off, Apu. When I look at people, I don't see colors. I just see crackpot religions.
- Lisa: Dad?!
- Homer: Huh? How'd you get in here?
- Lisa: Girl Scout Cookies get you in anywhere.
- Lisa: We did it, Dad. We did it.
- Homer: We sure did.
- Lisa: You weren't shot.
- Homer: No, I was just up late watching a movie. Something with William Holden and... (snoring)
- (Homer is arrested by the FBI)
- Lisa: I can complete my dad's mission just like George W. Bush! (Approaches the device, but Chief Wiggum points his gun to Lisa)
- Chief Wiggum: I... can't shoot a little girl! (Throws his gun away, but it hits a wall and fires, hitting Wiggum's leg) Oh damnit! There's some things they just don't teach at the police academy!
- (Lisa hangs up the phone after talking to the FBI. Homer appears behind her)
- Homer: Hanging up the receiver, eh?
- Lisa: (Gasps) How much did you hear?
- Homer: How much did you say?
- Lisa: Nothing, really.
- Homer: So I heard half of nothing.
- Lisa: (Scared) Dad, you're scary when you're calm and focused.
- Homer: Lisa, I'll miss you when this is all over.
- Lisa: When what's all over?
- Homer: This conversation. (Lisa chuckles nervously) See you on the other side.
- Lisa: What other side?
- Homer: Of the house! Where the fireplace is! We're toasting marshmallows. (Slowly) Marsh (Pause) Mallows.