Moe: Listen up, this is the busiest drinking day of the year. Where are the designated drivers? [Two guys raise their hands] Beat it! I got no room for cheapskates.
Kent Brockman: Top of the morning to ye on this gray, grizzly afternoon. Kent O'Brockman, live on Main Street, where today everyone is a little bit Irish, except, of course, for the gays and the Italians.
Marge: Parades just bring out so many emotions in me! Joy, excitement, looking...
Kent Brockman: Ladies and gentlemen, what you are seeing is a total disregard for the things St. Patrick's Day stand for. All this drinking, violence, destruction of property. Are these the things we think of when we think of the Irish?
Kent Brockman: "What are you looking at?": the innocent words of a drunken child. Well, I'll tell you what we're looking at, young man. A town gone mad. A town whose very conscious was washed away in a tide of beer and green vomit.
Mayor Quimby: You can't seriously want to ban alcohol. It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism.
Helen Lovejoy: Oh, won't someone please think of the children?
Maude Flanders: What kind of example are we setting?
Chief Wiggum: Ladies, please. All our founding fathers, astronauts, and World Series heroes have been either drunk or on cocaine.
Marge: I'm tired of looking like the world's worst mother.
Homer: Oh, honey, you're not the world's worst mother. What about that freezer lady in Georgia?
Narrator: Dateline: Springfield. With prohibition back in force, sobriety's peaceful slogan was shattered by its noisy neighbor: the Speakeasy.
Mayor Quimby: Demand? Who are you to demand anything? I run this town. You're just a bunch of low-income nobodies!
Quimby's Assistant: [sotto voce] Uh, election in November. Election in November.
Mayor Quimby: What? Again? This stupid country.
Narrator: With rum-running hoodlums in the catbird seat, Springfield sent for the one man who could clean up the town and shoot the gangsters: Rex Banner.
Rex Banner: [to Wiggum after he's fired] Well, what are you waiting for? Somebody to kiss you goodbye?
Chief Wiggum: Well... no, no, no... I guess not.
Narrator: Wasting no time, Rex Banner tore into the bootleggers like a chippy tearing into a lobster.
Fat Tony: [to Rex Banner] How do you know you don't like bribes if you've never taken one? Here. [puts some cash into Rex's hand]
Rex Banner: [feeling the cash] Hey...this is nice! [returning to reality] No! No bribes!
Fat Tony: Okay. You win. From now on, we'll stick to smuggling heroin.
Rex Banner: See that you do!
Homer: At first, I thought prohibition was a good thing. People were drinking more and having a lot more fun. Without beer, prohibition doesn't work!
Homer: [while carrying Bart] We're going out, Marge! If we don't come back, avenge our deaths! [leaves]
Marge: [from the kitchen] All right!
Bart: [as Homer drives through a graveyard to escape Rex Banner] Dad! Knocking over gravestones is bad luck!
Homer: Really? I heard good.
Marge: What happened to you, Homer? And what have you done to the car?
Marge: I don't think it had broken axles before.
Homer: Before, before! You're living in the past, Marge! Quit living in the past!
Homer: [to Marge] Gone bowling. Not back, avenge death.
Marge: [to Homer] Why do you have so many bowling balls?
Homer: Ah, I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge. So long. [leaves]
(Bart and Homer run a bootlegging scam by rolling gutter balls at the bowling alley which then end up at Moe's, where he fills them with alcohol.)
Bart: Aww, rats, another gutter ball. Gee, Homer, you sure do suck tonight!
Homer: Yeah, suck like a fox! [they both laugh and hi-five each other]
Rex Banner: [to Barney] Listen, rummy, I'm gonna say it plain and simple. Where'd you pinch the hooch? Is some blind tiger jerking suds on the side?
Homer, Bart, and Marge: Go to your room, Lisa!
Narrator: Dateline: Springfield. The elusive beer baron continues to thumb his nose at the authorities. Swaggering about in a garish new hat, he seemed to say, "Look at me, Rex Banner! I have a new hat!"
(Moe's bar is disguised as a pet shop during prohibition)
Rex Banner: Pet shop, eh? Well, I have one thing to say about that. What kind of pet shop is filled with rambunctious yahoos and hot jazz music at 1:00 in the morning?
Moe: Er, uh ... the ... best damn pet shop in town!
Rex Banner: You're out there somewhere, beer baron! And I'll find you.
Homer: (way off in the distance) No, you won't.
Rex Banner: Yes, I will!
Rex Banner: (grabbing Ned Flanders) Are you the Beer Baron?
Ned Flanders: Well, if you're talking about root beer, then I'm guilt-diddily-ilty as char-diddily-arged.
Rex Banner: (to the other cops) He's not the Beer Baron, but he sounds drunk; take him in.
Rex Banner: Are you the Beer Baron?
Comic Book Guy: Yes, but only by night. By day I'm a mild-mannered reporter for a major Metropolitan newspaper.
Rex Banner: Don't crack wise with me, tubby!
Comic Book Guy: Tubby? Oh, yes. Tubby.
[While Homer and Bart are distilling more beer, a still explodes and they both scream; Marge rushes downstairs]
Marge: What on Earth happened down there?
Bart: One of the stills b... [Homer puts his hand over Bart's mouth]
Homer: Nothing, Marge. I think it must have been that bean I had for dinner.
Homer: Hey Banner, how's it hanging?
Rex Banner: None of your business.
Homer: Alcohol is a way of life! My way of life, and I aim to keep it!
Chief Wiggum: Sounds like you have a plan.
Homer: Maybe I do, Chief. Maybe I do.
(Bart is standing on his head and watching TV)
Homer: Come on, boy! Think of a plan.
Bart: I'm trying, Dad!
(As Marge waits in her bedroom, there is a loud explosion from one of Homer's moonshine stills, and Marge sees Homer running out to the front lawn on fire, screaming as he rolls on the grass to put out the flames)
Homer: (to Marge after collecting himself) I've thought about what you said, honey, and I've decided to quit.
Reporter: [to Rex Banner] What about the beer baron?
Rex Banner: I suspect he was just a figment of the media. The idea that someone like that could operate under my very nose is laughable. (tries to laugh, chokes and coughs instead) Well, you all know what laughter sounds like.
Mayor Quimby: How long will it take you to flood this town with alcohol again?
Fat Tony: Four minutes.
Narrator: And so, one town's brief flirtation with prohibition ended in a joyous remarriage to Lady Liquor. Congratulations, Springfield! We wish you the very best!
Homer: To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
(Rex Banner burst the door open, Wiggum, Eddie, Lou and unidentified officer stare at him. Rex Banner then throws the TV out of the desk and kicks Wiggum out of his chair)
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I was watching that! I was sitting there!
Rex Banner: Rex Banner. I'm running this department now. Wiggum you're out. Suspended indefinitely.
Chief Wiggum: (confused) Huh?
Rex Banner: (to Eddie) Tuck in that shirt! (to Lou) Get those shoes shining! (to unidentified officer) Take that badge out of your mouth! You're police officers!