|Homer the Moe||
- Moe: That's the stupidest story I've ever heard, and I've read the entire Sweet Valley High series.
- Homer: Geez, Moe. You've been a real crank lately.
- Moe [takes out a shotgun]: You take that back.
- Homer: Now, you see. That's what I'm talkin' about. You're always pointing that shotgun at us.
- Lenny: And callin' us dumbasses.
- Carl: Which we are so not.
- Lisa: It's not fair, Dad. Why should an animal die just because you and Moe are fighting?
- Homer: It's the law. My hands are tied.
- Homer [to Moe]: Well, you've turned into a big phony!
- Moe: Hey, nobody calls Moe St. Cool a phony!
- Homer: I'm sorry I shot you, Moe.
- Moe: Aw, that's okay. It's like my dad always said, "Eventually, everybody gets shot."
- [An eagle starts pecking at Moe's face]
- Moe: Ow, ow! Not the face! [the eagle starts pecking at Moe's crotch] Ooh, ooh, okay the face! [the eagle starts pecking Moe's face again] Ooh. Whoa, that actually feels good after the...after the crotch.
- [When Moe gives Homer some last-minute instructions]
- Moe: And if anyone wants potato chips or anything fancy, tell 'em to go to Hell.
- Homer: Can do. Now, don't you worry about a thing. [he gleefully turns on a beer tap, spilling the beer on the floor]
- Moe: [shuts the tap off] Hey, what are you doing? I gotta pay for that!
- Homer: No, Moe, you've got it all wrong. People buy beer from you.
- Homer [singing while walking to Moe's]: I'm a-walking down the street, gonna open Moe's bar. I'm a-singing what I'm thinking [points to a dog] hey, look at that dog!
- Carl: I don't get all this eyeball stuff. Uh, what are they supposed to represent? Uh, eyeballs?
- Moe: It's po-mo! [Homer, Barney, Lenny, and Carl stare blankly] Post-modern! [Homer, Lenny, Barney, and Carl continue to stare blankly] Yeah, all right, weird for the sake of weird.
- Homer, Barney, Carl, and Lenny: Oooh!
- Homer: Uh, whatever, just give me a Duff.
- Moe: Oh, we don't serve Duff no more. We got a Malaysian beer that's better than Duff. It's made out of soy sauce. [hands Homer a bottle]
- Homer: Uh, whatever. Just give me a Duff.
- Supermodel: After Chernobyl, my penis is falling off.
- Moe: And "penis" is Russian for ...?
- Marge: [to Homer] Running a bar is a full-time job and you don't even do your full-time job.
- Homer: Well, when I'm passionate about something, I see it through to the end. [moves some boxes, discovering a half-finished robot]
- Robot: Father, give me legs. [Homer tosses out the robot] Father! [Homer stares it down, and the robot drags himself away on the street on his "arms"]
- Homer: [to Marge] Barkeep!
- Marge: I thought this was gonna be your bar.
- Homer: It's a family bar, right, kids? [scene shows Bart and Lisa washing glasses and cutting up lemons]
- Lisa: Can we go to bed now?
- Homer: As soon as you finish cutting up those lemons.
- Lisa: But you're not even using them.
- Homer: [in mock baby-talk] She's so sweepy, she doesn't even know what she's saying.
- Carl and Lenny: Aww.
- Moe: How could I toss my friends out into the cold? With no place to get liquored up?
- Michael Stipe: (to Homer) You lied to us! [attacks Homer, but the other members of R.E.M. hold him back]
- Mike Mills: Michael, no!
- Peter Buck: That's not the R.E.M. way.
- Michael Stipe: You're right. Let's recycle those shards and get out of here.
- Moe: Lisa!
- Lisa: Moe?
- Moe: Listen, I don't like you, you don't like me, but we both want to stop Homer from shooting a turkey.
- Lisa: You don't like me? I like you.
- Moe: You do? Then I like you, too.
- Lisa: [to Moe] How'd you get the bar back to normal so quickly, Moe?
- Moe: It's a snap when you use certified contractors.
- Bart: Like the ones found in your local yellow pages?
- Moe: Exactly.