|Homer the Father||
- Homer: I never thought of fatherhood as something that could affect a kid.
- Homer: I liked the producing, the executive producing and especially the co-producing, but the supervising producing was the best I've ever seen!
- Ghost: How could you mistake him for me?
- Willie: It was that sassy mouth that got you killed in the first place.
- Apu: Mr. Homer, you inadvertently left your nuclear power plant ID in the birthday card rack.
- Homer: I can't lose that, it's the best picture I have.
- Apu: I am more concerned with global terrorism. America's enemies would give anything for your nuclear knowledge.
- Homer: Yeah. I do know a lot about nuclears.
- Apu: And America has so many enemies: Iran, Iraq, China, Mordor, the hoochies that laid low Tiger Woods, undesirable immigrants, by which I mean everyone that came after me, including my children.
- Bart: Can I betray the country I pledge allegiance to every day?
- CIA Guy #1: You pledge allegiance to the flag.
- CIA Guy #2: And the flag is made in China.
- CIA Guy: Okay, but don't read our subtitles.
- Milhouse: Oh my God! I found my new look! (shows Bart a pair of overalls)
- Bart: Those are girl overalls!
- Milhouse: I could pull it off.
- Bart: Oh my god I think I just met the thing I'm going to die on.
- Homer: Life was so much easier when a machine told you when to laugh.
- Homer: (watching TV credits) I liked the producing, the executive producing and especially the co-producing, but the supervising producing was the best I've ever seen!
- Homer: The boy's acting really weird. I did everything that T.V. show told me to and he's still not happy.
- Marge: Well, maybe you shouldn't listen to a 30 - year old T.V. show that only got on the air because the creator had evidence the network president ran over a guy.
- Announcer: Thicker Than Waters was filmed live before a studio audience.
- Homer: He, he, he. Everyone in that studio audience is dead now.
- Lisa: Maybe if you studied harder and got better grades, Dad would give you the money for that bike.
- Bart: Does dad give you money for good grades?
- Lisa: I've been doing the family's checkbooks for years. I take what I need.
- Bart: I like going to work with you, dad.
- Homer: And I like having you here, son. 'Cause you can wake me up if someone comes.
- Homer: Why would a child go to the zoo?
- Sheldon Leavitt: (after writing a script) It's good enough. Let's go home.
- Sheldon Leavitt: I slept with everyone in the cast, including the dog.
- James Lipton: To quote Chandler Bing from Friends, too much information. And to quote Dwayne from What's Happenin'!, Hey... hey... hey.
- Homer: (singing the Thicker Than Waters theme) This is my favorite song now. Sorry, Don't Fear The Reaper.
- Bart: Can I have it Dad? (showing Homer a picture of the minibike)
- Homer: Huh?
- Bart: Can I?
- Homer: You still see that crow on shows sometimes.
- Homer: Hmm, hmm! Marge, would like a Thicker Than Waters collectable plate?
- Marge: Homer, you can't order anything from that magazine. It's 25 years old.
- Homer: Oh yeah? I'll show you. TV Guide Offer, 1 World Trade Center...
- James Lipton: Rebecca, you briefly inspired a hairstyle called "the Lizzy". Is "the Lizzy" with us here tonight?
- Rebecca: I was clear with your people that I would not recreate "the Lizzy".
- James Lipton: Oh but "the Lizzy" is here. (puts on a "Lizzy" wig") I shouldn't judge my prom date just because he's in a wheelchair. I should judge him by who he is in here. The family hugs.