|Homer and Ned's Hail Mary Pass||
- Homer: (singing, after beating Bart in the game) I'm number one! I beat my son! Victory is mine! So kiss my behind! (scatting and grunting at Bart) In your face! (starts dancing)
- Tom Brady: Everyone sucks but me.
- Charles Montgomery Burns: What would you use instead of Nuclear power?
- Marge: Solar.
- Lenny Leonard: Hydroelectric.
- Moe Szyslak: A mix of conservation and wind.
- Burns: Who told you about those?
- Carl: The talking tree in a commercial. audio clip
- Prof. Frink: (after seeing Ned's film, The Passion of Cain and Abel) You have taught me a world of faith beyond the world of science. I would pay to see it again and again and again and again but NOT SIX TIMES!!! audio clip
- Homer: I wish I were a screensaver.
- Comic Book Guy: My name is Jeff Albertson, but everyone calls me "Comic Book Guy".
- Michelle Kwan: Beware the wrath of Kwan!
- Milhouse: Look! It's my hero, Michelle Kwan!
- Michelle Kwan: You remind me of a young Dorothy Hamill.
- Milhouse: I didn't know you could talk!
- The Passion of Cain and Abel
- (Todd (Abel) and Rod (Cain) are together as Rod uses Todd's Shepard stick to sharpen his knife. Ned (Adam), wearing nothing but a leaf on his crotch walks up to them)
- Ned: Boys, I just talked to God. He's vacuuming Heaven to get it ready for when dead people show up. And he'd like you both to render a sacrifice.
- Todd: I shall sacrifice my finest grains and livestock.
- (cut to Todd setting his sacrifice on fire. Rod's sacrifice only has a few rotting rodents)
- Todd: Behold. I have found favor with the Lord.
- Rod: So shall my knife find favor with thy belly!
- (Rod begins stabbing Todd. Ned, dressed as the Devil, laughs as he watches Abel's murder. There are several gruesome close-ups to the stabbing and two newspaper headlines appear: "Massachusetts Okays Gay Marriage" and "Stem Cells Cure Alzheimer's". Rod kills Todd and runs off)
- (cut to Ned covering Todd)
- Ned: Now, I must bury my son, while you wander the Earth forever, with the mark of evil upon your face!
- (Rod turns; the left side of his face is now grotesquely deformed, complete with his left eye hanging out of its socket)
- THE END
- Crazy Cat Lady: (calm) Thanks to this psychoactive medication I enjoy brief moments of lucidity.
- Marge: Those are Reese's Pieces.
- Crazy Cat Lady: (goes crazy)
- Frank: Oh, I paid a thousand dollars for this seat and I can't even see the game!
- Marge: Just poke through!
- (Frank then pokes his head through Marge's hair)
- Announcer: The crowd gets ready for the half-time show, sponsored by the new Ford pickups, Citibank, and Moe's Tavern'
- (cut to private skybox, where Moe and the two executives are watching the game)
- Executive 1: How could you afford this?
- Moe: I hustled a lot of pool. Speaking of which, you wanna play? I gotta warn ya though, I ain't that good.
- Executive 1: All right. (under his breath) Sucker.
- (Moe swings his cue stick full force against the executive's back, possibly killing him)
- Moe: Who's the sucker now!? Huh?!!
- Mother: You try to raise your kids as secular humanists but these show-biz types keep shoving religion down our throat.
- Kid: Mommy, why wasn't I baptized?
- Mother: You see? YOU SEE??
- Yao Ming: "对不起，我实在不知道不知道你们在说哪一种语言." ("I'm sorry, I don't know which language you are speaking" in Mandarin Chinese)
- Lisa: Wait a second, I've heard you speak excellent English.
- Yao Ming: Shut up kid, I've got a good thing going on!
- (The athletes are carrying an ark in Homer's show)
- Tom: You think Homer's mad at me? I waved at him in the parking lot and his stared right through me.
- Yao: I left the People's Republic for this?
- Warren: Yo, Michelle, ya got a boyfriend?
- Michelle: Not in here I don't.
- LeBron: Omelettes? For dinner? This is the best day of my life!
- Lisa: Didn't you just sign a $100 million dollar contract?
- LeBron: Oh yeah. That was a good day too.