Carl: The talking tree in a commercial. audio clip
Prof. Frink: (after seeing Ned's film, The Passion of Cain and Abel) You have taught me a world of faith beyond the world of science. I would pay to see it again and again and again and again but NOT SIX TIMES!!!audio clip
Homer: I wish I were a screensaver.
Comic Book Guy: My name is Jeff Albertson, but everyone calls me "Comic Book Guy".
(Todd (Abel) and Rod (Cain) are together as Rod uses Todd's Shepard stick to sharpen his knife. Ned (Adam), wearing nothing but a leaf on his crotch walks up to them)
Ned: Boys, I just talked to God. He's vacuuming Heaven to get it ready for when dead people show up. And he'd like you both to render a sacrifice.
Todd: I shall sacrifice my finest grains and livestock.
(cut to Todd setting his sacrifice on fire. Rod's sacrifice only has a few rotting rodents)
Todd: Behold. I have found favor with the Lord.
Rod: So shall my knife find favor with thy belly!
(Rod begins stabbing Todd. Ned, dressed as the Devil, laughs as he watches Abel's murder. There are several gruesome close-ups to the stabbing and two newspaper headlines appear: "Massachusetts Okays Gay Marriage" and "Stem Cells Cure Alzheimer's". Rod kills Todd and runs off)
(cut to Ned covering Todd)
Ned: Now, I must bury my son, while you wander the Earth forever, with the mark of evil upon your face!
(Rod turns; the left side of his face is now grotesquely deformed, complete with his left eye hanging out of its socket)
Crazy Cat Lady: (calm) Thanks to this psychoactive medication I enjoy brief moments of lucidity.
Marge: Those are Reese's Pieces.
Crazy Cat Lady: (goes crazy)
Frank: Oh, I paid a thousand dollars for this seat and I can't even see the game!
Marge: Just poke through!
(Frank then pokes his head through Marge's hair)
Announcer: The crowd gets ready for the half-time show, sponsored by the new Ford pickups, Citibank, and Moe's Tavern'
(cut to private skybox, where Moe and the two executives are watching the game)
Executive 1: How could you afford this?
Moe: I hustled a lot of pool. Speaking of which, you wanna play? I gotta warn ya though, I ain't that good.
Executive 1: All right. (under his breath) Sucker.
(Moe swings his cue stick full force against the executive's back, possibly killing him)
Moe: Who's the sucker now!? Huh?!!
Mother: You try to raise your kids as secular humanists but these show-biz types keep shoving religion down our throat.
Kid: Mommy, why wasn't I baptized?
Mother: You see? YOU SEE??
Yao Ming: "对不起，我实在不知道不知道你们在说哪一种语言." ("I'm sorry, I don't know which language you are speaking" in Mandarin Chinese)
Lisa: Wait a second, I've heard you speak excellent English.
Yao Ming: Shut up kid, I've got a good thing going on!
(The athletes are carrying an ark in Homer's show)
Tom: You think Homer's mad at me? I waved at him in the parking lot and his stared right through me.
Yao: I left the People's Republic for this?
Warren: Yo, Michelle, ya got a boyfriend?
Michelle: Not in here I don't.
LeBron: Omelettes? For dinner? This is the best day of my life!
Lisa: Didn't you just sign a $100 million dollar contract?