|Homer and Lisa Exchange Cross Words||
- Lisa: Guess what, mom? I'm a cruciverbalist!
- Marge: Oh, Lisa, another religion? You know, you'll just drop the whole thing at college when you get a Jewish boyfriend.
- Homer: Marge, I'm going to a hardcore gay club and won't be home until three in the morning!
- Marge: Have fun!
- (Bart enters Lisa's room and finds her surrounded by crosswords)
- Bart: Ay carumba!
- Lisa: Bart, I've fallen in love with crosswords.
- Bart: It finally happened. You've gone completely fruit loops.
- Lisa: Fruit loops! That's the answer to 38 down! (Writes in one of the crosswords) Toucan's delight.
- Bart: No, I mean you're loco in the cocoa.
- Lisa: Cocoa! (Writes in another crossword) Ice rink drink.
- Bart: You're losing it!
- Lisa: Losing it! (Writes in a crossword again) Risque '80s teen flick.
- Bart: Fine. Go nuts. see if I care.
- Lisa: Eye care. Optician's concern. Oh, thanks for your help, Bart. Bart... San Francisco people mover! (Writes in a crossword once more)
- Bart: Speaking of San Francisco people mover. (Scene cuts to Homer in a Gay club)
- Lisa: Dad, I know this is crazy, but did you plant a message to me in the New York Times crossword puzzle?
- Homer: Well, I had a little help from this guy.
- [Will Shortz and Merl Reagle appear]
- Lisa: (gasps) New York Times crossword editor Will Shortz and master puzzle constructor Merl Reagle!
- Merl Reagle: I actually wrote that crossword.
- Will Shortz: And I edited it. Now get back to crosswording!
- Merl Reagle: (dejected) Yes, sir.
- Superintendent Chalmers: I'm a bit of a crossword head myself. They help me relax after a day of having to deal with...Skinner!
- Principal Skinner: You called?
- Superintendent Chalmers: Made reference.
- Principal Skinner: My mistake.
- [After Lisa loses the crossword puzzle tournament]
- Lisa: Oh, I blew it again.
- Homer: She blew it again! Woo-Hoo!
- [The bartender approaches Homer with a large tray of money]
- Bartender: (disdainfully) Here's your money, soaked in your daughter's tears.
- Homer: You know for a bartender-bookie, you're awfully judgmental.
- (Homer goes to the school with a present trying to make Lisa happy)
- Homer: Lisa! Lisa? (Lisa walks by him) Lisa, sweetie! Please look at your daddy.
- Lisa: You stopped being my daddy as soon as you bet against me! All I have now is a mom, which is why I'm taking her maid name! For now on, I'm Lisa Bouvier! (Shows him a book with Lisa
SimpsonBouvier Written. Homer gasps)
- Nelson: Hey Mr. S. Lisa B.
- Homer: (screaming) Nooooooooo!!!!!
- Janey: Would you like to buy some band candy?
- Homer: (Screaming) Yeeeeeeeeeeees!!!!!