- Selma: I can't believe I'm saying this, but, Homer Simpson, do me!
- (Homer thinks she wants to have sex with him and is about to cut his head off)
- Selma: I meant my hair!
- Homer: Oh. (Sighs in relief)
- Homer: (Gasp) One hundred dollars? Marge, how much is that in smackeroos?
- Marge: A hundred.
- Homer: Woo hoo!
- Marge: Well, Newsweek says it's good to change careers, right after they laid off all their editors.
- Lisa: I don't get it. Why would a popular fifth grader like Taffy be into a Milhouse like Milhouse?
- Bart: I dunno. It's just one of those mysteries, I guess. Like how do my clothes pick themselves up from the floor and fold themselves into my drawers.
- Homer: Like Mozart and Johnny Knoxville, my genius cannot be stopped.
- Hans Moleman: [Lisa catches him and Lunchlady Doris at Holding Hands Point] We're just trying to rekindle our relationship.
- Lunchlady Doris: In the sack, he's Salsbury steak. Everywhere else, creamed corn.
- Marge: Oh, Homer, you make my toes curl. You really know how to please a woman.
- Homer: As long as I don't have to lose weight or change my pants.
- Marge: Homer, thanks to your unlicensed barbery, Patty and Selma have been getting compliments all day at the DMV.
- Grampa: You two look good. Open-casket good!
- Lindsey Naegle: I hear this is the home of Springfield's hottest hairdresser. I need a haircut, and I need it in 3-2-1 now!
- Homer: Lady, I'm not a hairdresser, I just put a new lid on a couple of trash cans.
- Bart: (Jumps in front of Lisa as she paints) Ha-ha! I ruined your painting!
- Lisa: Bart, this isn't a photograph. I'm not going to paint you just because...
- (Sees that she has painted in Bart)
- Lisa: Augh! You just ruined six months' work!
- Bart: Gee, I'm really sorry... it wasn't a year!
- Lisa: You're going to regret the day you were born!
- Bart: I already do. It's too close to Christmas.
- Selma: You did this? With your fat fingers and brain the size of a superball?
- (Cut to cross-section of Homer's head, showing brain bouncing around until it comes out his ear and bounces away)
- Homer: And stay out!
- Milhouse: Lisa, I love you. Is that love requited or un?
- Lisa: I'm sorry, Milhouse, but I don't love you and I never will.
- Taffy: I love your poem. It was romantic, and it rhymed.
- Milhouse: Well, I used a rhyming dictionary, but it only gives you options. The job of the poet is to say, "this one, I guess."
- Homer: All day long it's boring, endless talk, and I have to stand there with a phoney grin plastered on my face.
- Moe: (phoney grin plastered on face) Uh-huh.
- (After Taffy abandons Milhouse)
- Milhouse: You don't want me to be with you. You don't want me to be with someone else. how miserable do I have to be before you're happy?
- Lisa: Milhouse, I... I... Argh [She kisses him]
- Milhouse: Lisa, Does that mean you like me?
- Lisa: Yes. No! I-I don't know! It means that... that life is full of unexpected things, and you should never give up! and you're cute in the moon light.
- Milhouse: (Falls off mountain, but "rescued" by eagle) Everything's coming up Milhouse!
- Sideshow Mel: (announcing who enters the policeman's ball) Dr. and Mrs. Julius Hibbert! Mr. Discoteque Stuart unaccompanied!
- Disco Stu: My girlfriend isn't feeling well tonight.
- Sideshow Mel: Krusty the Clown and Disco Stu's girlfriend!