- Selma: I can't believe I'm saying this, Homer Simpson, do me.
- (Homer thinks she wants to have sex with him and is about to cut his head off)
- Selma: I meant my hair!
- Homer: Oh. (Sighs in relief)
- Homer: (gasps) One hundred dollars?! Marge, how much is that in smackeroos?
- Marge: One hundred.
- Homer: Woo hoo!
- Marge: Well, Newsweek Magazine did say it's good to change careers, right after they laid off all their editors.
- Lisa: Why would a popular fifth grader like Taffy be interested in a Milhouse like Milhouse?
- Bart: I don't know. It's one of those mysteries, like how do my clothes get clean and put back in my drawers?
- Homer: Like Mozart and Johnny Knoxville, my genius cannot be stopped!
- Hans Moleman: (Lisa catches him and Lunchlady Doris at Holding Hands Point) We're just trying to put our relationship back together.
- Lunchlady Doris: In the sack, he's Salsbury steak. Everywhere else, creamed corn.
- Marge: Ooh, Homie, you're making my toes curl. You sure know how to please a woman.
- Homer: (chuckles) As long as it doesn't involve losing weight or changing my pants.
- Marge: Homer, thanks to your unlicensed barbery, Patty and Selma have been getting compliments all day at the DMV.
- Grampa: You two look good. Open-casket good!
- Lindsey Naegle: I hear this is the home of Springfield's hottest hairdresser. I need a haircut, and I need it in three, two, one, now.
- Homer: Lady, I'm not a hairdresser. I just put a new lid on a couple of trash cans.
- Bart: (jumps in front of Lisa as she paints) I jumped in front of your picture! Now it's ruined!
- Lisa: Bart, this isn't a photograph. I'm not gonna just paint you into my--
- (sees that she has painted in Bart)
- Lisa: Aah! You just ruined six months' work!
- Bart: I'm really sorry it wasn't a year! (cackling)
- Lisa: Augh! You're gonna regret the day you were born!
- Bart: I already do. It's too close to Christmas.
- Selma: You did this? With your fat fingers and your brain the size of a superball?
- (fade to cross-section of Homer's head, showing his brain bouncing around until it comes out his ear and bounces away)
- Homer: And stay out!
- Milhouse: So, Lisa, I love you. Is that love "requited" or "un"?
- Lisa: I'm sorry, but I don't love you, Milhouse, and I never will.
- Taffy: I thought that was beautiful.
- Milhouse: You did?
- Taffy: Yeah. It was romantic and it rhymed.
- Milhouse: Well, I used a rhyming dictionary, but it only gives you options. The job of the poet is to say, "This one, I guess."
- Homer: All day long, they tell me stupid, pointless, boring stories, and I have to stand there listening with a phoney grin plastered on my face.
- Moe: (with a phoney grin plastered onto his face) Uh-huh.
- (After Taffy abandons Milhouse)
- Milhouse: You don't want me to be with you, you don't want me to be with someone else. How miserable do I have to be before you're happy?
- Lisa: Milhouse, I, I-- (groans)
- (Lisa kisses Milhouse)
- Milhouse: Lisa, does this mean you like me?
- Lisa: Yes. No! I don't know! It means that... that life is full of unexpected things and you should never give up. And you're cute in the moonlight.
- Milhouse: Aah! (falls off mountain, but "rescued" by eagle) Everything's coming up, Milhouse!
- Sideshow Mel: (announcing who enters the Policemen's Ball) Doctor and Mrs. Julius Hibbert! Mr. Discotheque Stuart, unaccompanied!
- Disco Stu: My girlfriend isn't feeling well tonight.
- Sideshow Mel: Krusty the Clown and Disco Stu's girlfriend!