|Homer Loves Flanders||
- Lisa: Dad and Ned Flanders friends? Hah! What's next? A's on Bart's report card?
- (She, Marge and Bart laugh together)
- Bart: (stops laughing) Hey!
- Marge: Homey, I'm very proud of you, but don't you think you're spending too much time with Ned? Your family needs you too.
- Homer: Oh, of course you'd say something like that, Marge. You've hated Ned for years! In fact, you wanted to bash his head in with a pipe.
- Marge: That was you!
- Homer: Love, Marge. Don't hate... love.
- Marge: Honey, I'm so glad you're ho--
- Homer: Can't talk, seeing Flanders. Later, sex.
- Homer: Ned, since you've let me spend time with your family, I want you to get to know my family. (they go to Moe's) Hey, everyone.
- Barney: Hey.
- Homer: I'd like to introduce Ned Flanders, my best friend.
- Moe: Hey, I don't want no one in here with their "evils of alcohol" rap.
- Ned: Wait a second: you're the man at the hospital who reads to sick children.
- Moe: (grabs Ned) If this gets out, the next words you say will be muffled by your own butt.
- (Homer throws a picture into the garbage)
- Marge: Homer, that's our wedding photo!
- Homer: Marge, quit living in the past.
- Homer: If anyone can pull it off, it's Stan "The Boy" Taylor.
- Crowd: Stan, Stan, he's our boy, If he can't do it, no one… will.
- Homer: Well, I guess I should pay my share.
- Ned: Relax, Homer. I keep telling you, you're my guest.
- Homer: Ooh, you brought me a nacho hat! Thanks, Ned (singing) Nacho, nacho man, I want to be a nacho man…
- Mr. Burns: Men, there's a little crippled boy sitting in a hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because I crippled him myself to inspire you.
- Milhouse: (to his mom and dad) I hope they win, or Mr. Burns said he's coming back.
- Marty: Oh, we have a winner! What's your name, sir?
- Ned: Ned Flanders!
- Homer: Oh, not Flanders, anybody but Flanders…
- Ned: Well, golly, if that doesn't put the "shaz" in "shazam." Oh, listen: what's the cash value of those tickets so I can report it on my income tax?
- Football Fan: Give me, er, 30,000 tickets.
- Ticket Lady: That'll be $950,000 please.
- Football Fan: Look, the thing about that is, I only got $10 on me. Can I pay you the rest later?
- Ticket Lady: Sure.
- Bart: Hey Dad, sell you these for fifty bucks…
- Homer: Woo hoo! Sold. (Bart takes the money and runs off)
- Marge: Those aren't tickets to the game, Homer.
- Homer: What do you mean? It says right here: "Free wig with every purchase of large wig. Downtown Wig Center". Why you little.
- Homer: (receives a football) Wow! Thanks. Now I have four children You will be called "Stitch-Face."
- Kent Brockman: Just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill. The government calls it the Army, but a more alarmist name would be... The Killbot Factory.
- Grampa: Let's sacrifice him to our god! Come on, we did it all the time in the thirties.
- Homer: I'd like to propose a toast to the coming together of the Simpsons and the Flanders. If this were a more perfect world, we'd all be known as the Flimpsons.
- Lisa: Don't worry, Bart. It seems like every week something odd happens to the Simpsons. My advice is to ride it out, make the occasional smart-alec quip, and by next week we'll be back to where we started from, ready for another wacky adventure.
- Bart: Ay, caramba!
- Lisa: That's the spirit.
- Homer: They don't call me "Springfield Fats" just because I'm morbidly obese!
- Ned: Oh, I guess it's time for me to duck again.
- Homer: No! I want everyone to know that-- (yelling out window) --this is Ned Flanders, my friend!
- Lenny: What'd he say?
- Carl: I dunno. Something about being gay.
- Lisa: What's so special about this game anyway? It's just another chapter in the pointless rivalry between Springfield and Shelbyville. They built a mini-mall, so we built a bigger mini-mall. They made the world's largest pizza, so we burnt down their city hall.
- Homer: Heh, heh, heh. Yeah, they swore they'd get us back by spiking our water supply. But they didn't have the guts.
- Marge: (drinks the tap water) Ooooh. The walls are melting again.
- Homer: Why am I such a loser? Why?
- Bart: Well, your father was a loser, and his father, and his father ... it's genetic, man. (thinks for a second) D'oh!
- Homer: (chuckling) I did it! Second in line, and all I had to do was miss eight days of work.
- Man: With the money you would have made working, you could have bought tickets from a scalper.
- Homer: In theory, yes. … Jerk.
- Lenny: Hey, look! Homer's got one of those robot cars.
- Carl: One of those American robot cars.
- Ned: Homer, I'd love to chitty-chat, but tonight's the night I do my charity work.
- Homer: Oh yeah. The judge made me do that once too. Stupid lack of public urinals.
- Kent Brockman: Springfield has come down with a fever . . . Football fever. If you have the fever, there's only one cure. Take two tickets and see the game Sunday morning.
- TV Voiceover: Warning, tickets should not be taken internally.
- Homer: See, because of me, now they have a warning.
- Homer: Marge, I think I hate Ted Koppel. No, wait. I find him informative and witty.
- Bart: It's okay. There's no sugar in Pixie sticks.
- Marge: Homer! Are you planning to hit Ned Flanders with that pipe and steal his tickets?
- Homer: Ye…no.
- Ned: (answers door) Huh? (Homer gets ready to hit him, but changes his mind)
- Homer: Oh. Flanders, I decided I'd like to go to the game with you.
- Ned: Well, get out the Crayolas and color me "Tickled Pink". Ooh, what's with the lead pipe, were you going to give my noggin a flogging?
- Homer: Well, yeah.
- (they both laugh)
- Homer: Why do you mock me, O Lord?
- Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there. (She scrapes it down with a broom.)
- Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but--(Eats waffle)--Mmm... sacrilicious.
- Maude: Come on, Ned! Move this thing!
- Ned: I can't! It's a Geo!
- (Homer is in his car on a line to enter the power plant)
- Homer: Oh ho! Stupid sheep! (Cuts the line in the wrong way, but a spike strip pops all his car tires) D'oh! D'oh D'oh D'oh D'oh!