|Homer Goes to College||
- [One lazy afternoon at Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, Homer is asleep at his workstation and a dog is sleeping on the floor next to his chair. In his sleep, Homer slumps over, falling onto a button labeled "Plant Destruct" and triggering an alarm.]
- Computer Voice: Core meltdown in ten seconds... nine... eight...
- [The dog wakes up, walks to the console, and pulls a lever. The alarm and the countdown stop.]
- Computer Voice: Meltdown averted. Good boy!
- [Later that same lazy afternoon, inspectors from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission arrive at the power plant in their van. A woman inspector presses the buzzer at the front door.]
- Mr. Burns [on intercom]: What? How dare you disturb me during nap time!
- Woman Inspector: We're from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. This is a surprise test of worker competence.
- Mr. Burns: There must be some mistake. We, uhh, we make cookies here. Mr. Burns' Old-Fashioned Good-Time Extra-Chewy-
- Man Inspector: [cutting Burns off] Get the axe.
- [Accompanied by his lawyers, Mr. Burns visits the Simpson home. Homer answers the door and screams at the sight of Burns and his lawyers.]
- Mr. Burns: Hello, Simpson. My lawyers and I were in the neighborhood and thought we'd stop by.
- Marge: Would you like to come in for tea and marshmallow squares?
- [Burns and his lawyers confer.]
- Blue-haired Lawyer: Yes, he would.
- [On being accepted to college, Homer burns his high school diploma, then dances around while the fire spreads.]
- Homer: [singing] I am so smart. I am so smart. I am so smart. S-M-R-T... Uh, I mean S-M-A-R-T.
- [Inside Benajmin's, Doug's and Gary's dorm room
- Doug: Come on, Mr. Simpson, you'll never pass this course if you don't know the periodic table.
- Homer: I'll write it on my hand.
- Doug: Ho! Including all known lanthinides and actinides? Good luck! [Benjamin, Doug and Gary chuckle]
- Homer: Come on, guys, look at yourselves! All you do is study! I'm gonna show you the true meaning of college; we're gonna go out and par-ty!
- Benjamin: Wait a minute, I'll put on my snow pants.
- Doug: Me too.
- Gary: Me too.
- [Now in college, Homer interrupts the Nuclear Physics Professor's lecture.]
- Homer: Uhh, excuse me, Professor Brainiac, but I worked in a nuclear power plant for ten years and I think I know how a proton accelerator works.
- Professor: Well, please come down and show us.
- Homer: All right, I will.
- [The scene shifts to students screaming and fleeing the building while a green radiation glow fills the windows. Homer casually walks out just as two technicians in radiation suits are walking in.]
- Homer: [gesturing over shoulder] In there, guys.
- Technicians: Thanks, Homer.
- [Assigned supplemental tutoring, Homer meets the three nerds typing away on their computer keyboards.]
- Homer: Hiya, gang.
- Doug: Intruder alert. Intruder alert.
- Benjamin: Stop the humanoid. [All three nerds laugh]
- Homer: Look, I'm supposed to get a physics tutor.
- Doug: Well, you've come to the right place, then. If there's one thing we know, it is science.
- Benjamin: And math.
- Gary: And the words to every Monty Python routine.
- Benjamin, Doug, Gary: We are the knights who say "Ni"! Ni, ni, ni, ni! [They laugh]
- Homer: Heh-heh, "ni".
- Homer: Ahh, the college road trip. What better way to spread beer-fueled mayhem.
- Bart: So it's a prank you're looking for, is it? I'll give you your prank.
- [After catching the three nerds with a drunken and kidnapped Sir Oinks-A-Lot, Springfield University Dean Bobby Peterson has just been forced to expel them.]
- Dean Peterson: I'm sorry, boys. I've never expelled anyone before, but that pig had some powerful friends.
- Richard Nixon: [angrily lecturing the nerds] Oh, you'll pay. Don't think you won't pay!
- [After their expulsion, the nerds say good-bye to Homer as they leave campus.]
- Gary: Aw, don't worry, Mr. Simpson. We can take care of ourselves.
- [As the nerds stand outside the college's front gate, Snake comes up to them.]
- Snake: Uh, wallet inspector.
- Doug: Oh, well. Here you go. [The nerds hand over their wallets.] I believe that's all in order.
- Snake: Whoah. I can't believe that worked! [runs off with their wallets]
- Homer: [seeing what happened] Hey ... that's not the wallet inspector.
- [The nerds are staying with the Simpsons. Marge picks up the phone and gets a high-pitched whining noise instead of a dial tone.]
- Marge: What's wrong with this phone?! It's making crazy noises!
- Benjamin: Those 'crazy noises' are computer signals.
- Gary: Yeah, some guys at M.I.T. are sending us reasons why Captain Picard is better than Captain Kirk.
- Doug: Hah! They're out of their minds!
- [All three nerds laugh. Marge grumbles.]
- [While Bart and Lisa are watching a much-anticipated Itchy & Scratchy cartoon ("It's the one where Scratchy finally gets Itchy!"), the TV abruptly shuts off and Bart and Lisa scream.]
- Benjamin: (appearing from behind the TV) We need the outlet for our rock tumbler.
- Bart and Lisa: Plug it in! Plug it in!
- Benjamin: What, the rock tumbler or the TV?
- Bart and Lisa: The TV! The TV!
- [Doug plugs the TV back in. It comes on just in time to show the ending frame of the cartoon. The children in the studio audience cheer loudly.]
- Krusty: [on TV] WOW! They'll never let us show that again! Not in a million years!
- [Bart and Lisa scream in horror.]
- [The Simpsons (except Homer) have had enough of the nerds' staying with them.]
- Bart: [sharpening two knives] Dad, start diggin' some nerd holes.
- Lisa: It's bad enough they put their retainers in the dishwasher! Can't we do something?
- Homer: Look, I'm sure we can work something out where we can all live in harmony. Right, Marge?
- Marge: No! I want those geeks out of my house.
- [The nerds are set to carry out their part in Homer's plan for them to save Dean Peterson's life, thus earning his gratitude and getting back into college. Homer drives his car into position, and the nerds wait at the front of the building as the dean leaves work.]
- Benjamin: Okay, guys. We push him out of the way in exactly three seconds.
- Doug: Should we correct for wind resistance?
- Gary: Possibly. What do you think?
- [While they talk, Homer's car zooms by the front of the building, hitting the dean and sending him flying into the air.]
- Doug: Ohhhh, my.
- [The final exam for Nuclear Physics 101 is coming up, and Homer is horrified.]
- Benjamin: What are you gonna do, Mr. Simpson?
- Homer: Actually, I've been working on a plan. During the exam, I'll hide under some coats, and hope that somehow everything will work out.
- Benjamin: [determined] Or with our help you can cram like you've never crammed before!
- Homer: Whatever, either way is good.
- Smithers: For the love of God, there are two seats!
- Mr. Burns: I like to put my feet up.
- Homer: D'oh! The bee bit my bottom, now my bottom's big!