- Homer: It's been two hours now. How do you feel?
- Bart: I dunno. I kinda want a cigarette.
- Homer: Good, let's buy you a pack. What brand?
- Bart: Anything slim.
- Homer: DANG!
- Marge: Homer, didn't John seem a little "festive" to you?
- Homer: Couldn't agree more, happy as a clam.
- Marge: He prefers the company of men!
- Homer: Who doesn't?
- Marge: Homer, listen carefully. John is a Ho - mo...
- Homer: Right.
- Marge: ...Sexual.
- Homer: AAAAHHH!
- Homer: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! I danced with a gay!
- Marge: I'm very sorry you feel that way, because John invited us out on a drive today, and we're going.
- Homer: Whoa! Not me. And not because John's gay, but because he's a sneak. He should have the good taste to mince around and let everyone know that he's... that way.
- Marge: What on Earth are you talking about?
- Homer: You know me, Marge. I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals FA-LAMING!
- John: Oh don't you love those curtains? I have the same exact ones, but only in my bathroom. Didn't you just die when you found these?
- Marge: Not really. They just had corn on them. Kitchen, corn?
- John: Zzzzzap!
- [In a deleted scene on the DVD "Potty Time" and other deleted scenes on DVD, John is feeling lonely. Homer approaches John sitting on the couch.]
- Homer: John? Still not talking to me, huh?
- John: [nods head "yes"]
- [Long pause]
- John: I'm leaving.
- Homer: Where are you going?
- John: I'm getting married. See you there. [leaves]
- Homer: But…why? You can't just go outside to marry people.
- Alec Baldwin as Wedding Minister: Or would I?
- Homer: Sir Alec? What are you doing here?
- Wedding Minister: [brings Homer outside] I came here to encounter people on marriages. I am the minister. Reverend Lovejoy's twin brother.
- Homer: Are you my twin brother?
- Wedding Minister: Yes! That's right. John?
- John: [shakes hands] Thanks, Alec. I just wanted to marry your wife.
- Homer: Where is he going?
- [Cut to Kwik-E-Mart]
- Lurleen: I wanted a free slurpee.
- Apu: No, I am very sorry, but we are sold out, but you are going to have to buy another one. [Homer walks in with John] Well, well, well. Looks who's here.
- Homer: Uh, hi.
- Apu: You again?
- Wedding Minister: Yes. Me again. I just wanted to say we came in to Kwik-E-Mart. I like you to meet Homer, Marge's husband.
- Apu: [crossing his arms] Oh, yes. Fantastic speech.
- Wedding Minister: Very amazing, Apu. [to John] Go ahead John.
- [John approaches Lurleen with a diamond ring in his ring]
- John: Will you marry me?
- Lurleen: Yes! Yes! [They both embrace.]
- Homer: See? They always engage peoples' marriages. Come on, Alec. They're waiting in line.
- [Cut to the church.]
- John: [wearing a grooms' tuxedo] Hey, Homer. Is the night still young? And how do I look? Good?
- Homer: Yes. I hear you the first time.
- [Homer hears a piano playing in the background. Homer sits down.]
- Homer: This is all too beautiful!
- Bart: Dad, are you crying?
- Homer: I can't help it, son. Someone always cries at weddings.
- Wedding Minister: We are gathered here today for your honorable births between John Waters, and his amazing country singer.
- John: Really? That's all what I can do. Maybe Homer's your brother.
- Homer: I just wanted to pretend there are no bridesmaids in church. Ain't there?
- Bart: Uh, no.
- Wedding Minister: Do you, John Waters, take your amazing country singer to be your lawfully wedding wife?
- John: I doubt it.
- Homer: That is pathetic. If I'm not going to leave this ceremony, we are sitting impatiently until no one can put us under.
- Wedding Minister: [to John] I now pronounce you husband and wife.
- John: Oh, really? That's the correct answer about your speech, sir.
- Wedding Minister: [to John] Yes, John. I stand corrected. You may now kiss the bride.
- John: Fine. [grabs Lurleen's white dress and they both kiss passionately]
- Homer: Phew. That's a very, long ceremony. Right, John? [notices John isn't here] John?
- Wedding Minister: I demand you that this ceremony is very long, and no one can put us under. All rise, for weddings.
- Homer: [stands up] Woohoo! [Bart hands Homer a tissue box] Thanks. [blows nose]
- John: You OK, Homer?
- Homer: Yes, sir. Definitely okay. [heads outside with the people leaving] We're leaving this ceremony right just now. Come on. Let's just have children.
- John: That's because I already have children.
- Homer: You do?
- Wedding Minister: [to Reverend] Reverend, the ceremony is over.
- Reverend Lovejoy: Yes, it's over. You may leave the church.
- Bart: Oh, Dad. You are the living end.
- Homer: You! I should have known.
- John: Good morning, sunshine.
- Marge: Homer, John brought us cactus candy.
- Homer: Look, John, you seem like a perfectly nice guy and all. Just stay the hell away from my family!
- John: Well, now you don't get any candy. No that's cruel. Just take a teensy piece.
- Homer: No.
- John: Homer, what have you got against gays?
- Homer: You know. It's not... usual. If there was a law, it would be against it.
- (whistle goes off)
- Homer: Oh my god! What's happening now?
- Rosco: We work hard, we play hard.
- (Everybody Dance Now starts playing, as the whole room transforms into a Gay Nightclub)
- [In another deleted scene and other stuff on DVD, the Nightclub is closed.]
- Homer: What was I thinking? I don't want this place to be closed.