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Homer's History

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From 'The Homer Book'.

ONE DAY Homer astounds medical staff/parents by somehow getting hold of a pizza in hospital nursey.
4 Along with best friend Barney, Homer wraps his little red wagon around a tree. Boys vow to never drink beer again.
5 Homer's first year of school. Never forgets father Abe's advice on first day: "You're as dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride,I say take it!"
6 Homer invents new game that involves cramming crayons up his nose/sneezing them out. Accidentally leaves one lodges in his bran further lowering his mental capabilities. Doctors/teachers surprised that lower mental capabilities are possible.
7 Homer plants hot dog tree behind family farmhouse; spooks the cows so they give sour milk; dreams of becoming president one day by imitating JFK. Abe inspired to start calling him "Melon Head."
9 Running from "the law," Homer's mother Mona leaves home. Told she had died, Homer spends night crying/mourning. Several evenings of Abe-administered Nyquil follow.
12 Homer finds maggot - infested, bloated dead body at quarry swimming hole. Time it takes to suppress awful memory on crayon-impacted brain: 2 minutes.
13 Learns abour "birds and bees" by watching monkeys mating at zoo. At first, Homer thinks they are trying to kill each other.
14 Moderately musically-inclined, Homer takes after-school job as "one man band." Daily attacks by organ grinder's monkey result.
17 It is a "very good year" for Homer to start drinking on regular basis. Tells Abe he is starting beer can collection.
18 Meets Marge Bouvier/they fall in love. After this Marge's father is never seen again. Rumors persist he was eaten by huge ape.

Homer goes on "The Gong Show" with Barney; they receive more gongs than a break-dancing robot that catches fire.

25 Homer/Marge marry after discovering she is pregnant. Realizing his miniature golf job is insufficient to meet needs of family, Homer tries his hand as candle maker/door-to-door knife salesman/attack dog trainer/Gulp 'N' Blow attendant. Minimum wages ensue.
26 Homer finally lands job at Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, changing life of C. Montgomery Burns forever. Shortly after, Bart is born, changing lives of everyone in Springfield forever.
28 Homer forms barbershop quartet, The Be Sharps; writes award winning song (Grammy®makes great back-scratcher). Lisa is born; combined household I.Q. increases dramatically.
31 Homer buys Lisa her first saxophone instead of using money for air conditioner during heat wave. Slew of heat strokes/saxophone-induce headaches follow.
35 Year of dreams: Little Maggie, "a dream come true," is born. Homer fulfills boyhood dream of eating world's biggest hoagie sandwich at county fair. He also accomplished lifelong dream of running out onto field during baseball game, ruining pennant race dreams of Springfield Isotopes.
36 Nothing matches 36th year: Homer learns his mother is still alive, his middle name is Jay; he has a half-brother, Herb Powell. He bowls a "perfect" game, takes several cannonballs to his gut, recovers from triple bypass, battles ex-President of United States, climbs Murderhorn. Nothing beats loving family waiting at home while in outer space eating potato chips.

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