- Marge: Can't beat a skybox! All the excitement of being in the sky, with the security of being in a box.
- Bart: Oh-ho-ho! This is gonna be the coolest basketball game ever!
- Lisa: Actually, it says here we're gonna see hockey.
- Homer, Marge and Bart: Noooo!
- Cletus All Right a pepole teeth Gummy Sue This is your lucky day There :Gummy Sue Spuckler Now I is like Britney Spears ----
- Raphael: These are no ordinary termites. What you got here are Russian No-wood-nicks.
- Marge: Can you save our house?
- Raphael: Okay, but, in order to kill these bugs, I've got to live like a bug, think like a bug, become a bug! (gets on his hands and knees and starts gnawing on the coffee table)
- Marge: (to Homer) Why do you always hire the cheapest guy?
- Homer: (referring to the "A Bug's Death" logo on the exterminator's van) I go by how funny the sign is.
- Homer: I know. We'll stay with my very best friend in the whole world... Lenny.
- (The Simpsons are now at Lenny's front door. They ring the buzzer.)
- Lenny: Hey, Simpsons!
- Homer: That's Lenny?! Oh, I wanted the black one!
- (At The Reality Channel)
- Female Executive: Well, this family looks pretty interesting.
- Mitch Hartwell: But isn't the dad Bill Cosby?
- Bill Cosby: Ya see, I gotta get back on the TV, 'cause with the Osbournes and the soft-core porns, and the dogs poopin' and nobody scoopin', and the vee-tha-vul hah-hah hah!
- Female Executive: We need a family that hasn't been on TV forever. Let's try the Simpsons!
- Mitch Hartwell: Welcome to your home for the next six months.
- Bart: (wearing old style clothes: a blue shirt tucked into a pair of blue shorts, a pink bowtie and a blue hat with golden curls) Oh, man, I can't wear this. I look like Buster Brown... whoever that is.
- Homer: Oh-ho-ho, you look so adorable (pinches Bart's cheek)... Lisa.
- Marge: Your school chums are going to be so jealous of your little outfit.
- (Outside the window, the bullies look inside. Jimbo punches his fist into his other hand.)
- Jimbo: God, I wish I had that little outfit.
- Kearney: Yeah, those golden curls are to die for.
- Homer: (pulls a pot out from under a bed) Wow! They had an army helmet under every bed? (puts the pot on his head)
- Mitch Hartwell: Mr. Simpson? That's a chamber pot. You're supposed to go to the bathroom in it.
- Homer: Befoul an army helmet? You'd like that, wouldn't you? Hippie!
- (Marge is shopping at the Kwik-E-Mart.)
- Apu : By orders of The Reality Channel, I must make sure you only buy items available in 1895! (begins looking through the items Marge wants to purchase) Oreos? Sorry, these are from 1896. Non-scarring toilet paper? Ho! Dream on! Urkel-O's? Delicious, but forbidden.
- Marge: I'll just take these tampons.
- Apu: (looking through a 1895 Almanac) I don't believe they had those in 1895.
- Marge: Yes they did! Look closer! (slams the almanac on Apu's face) Twenty-three skidoo! (exits)
- Moe: Telegram for Heywood U. Cuddleme! Heywood U. Cuddleme! Hey, big guy in the back, Heywood U. Cuddleme?
- (Lenny and Carl start laughing)
- Moe: Oh...Dooh, that little...! (starts sending message) I'm gonna drive a golden spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific, stop!
- (Bart starts laughing)
- (The Simpsons and Squiggy eat dinner.)
- Lisa: Why is the guy from "Laverne and Shirley" living in our house?
- Squiggy: 'Cause nobody's waching you clowns! If you was to ask me, you're all too calm and happy. The essence of drama is conflict. That's why they gave me this taser. (shocks Homer with the taser)
- Homer: I can't remember the last time I cried like this!
- Lisa: When you put your T-shirt on backwards?
- Homer: (breaking down) Aaah-ha-ha-ha-oh, yes! The tag chafed my throat!
- (The Simpsons watch "Law and Order: Elevator Inspectors Unit")
- Elevator Inspector 1: Here's the problem, Inspector: the Floor 5 button doesn't light up.
- Elevator Inspector 2: I think I'm gonna be sick.
- (Back the Simpson's home)
- Homer: TV was the one good thing in my life, and now I can't enjoy it anymore!
- Marge: I guess we'll have to find a new way to entertain ourselves.
- Lisa: What about books?
- Marge: Yeah! If we read books, we could form a club.
- Homer: If we formed a club, we can serve drinks!
- Bart: Hey, Dad! Why don't we watch you drink from a hose?
- Homer: Good idea, Lisa!